Jokes anyone? -

[Trevor Booth]

The brilliance of Ronnie Barker

In memory of a very funny man.
...........................................................................
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits,and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary
Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really
Forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.

Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage
with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. “Mist all chucking frighty! !“ said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

“Who’s fust jarted??” asked the prandsome hince.

“Blame that fugly ucker over there!!” said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

 

Tranks Threvor. That's the best laugh i've had in ages.
And it's goodnight from him..

 

[David Morton]

​

New Sex Study...

It has been determined, the most used

sexual position for married couples is a


doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

:lol:That's true.



> A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to

> university, but halfway through the semester he

> foolishly has squandered all of his money.

>

> He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what

> modern

> education is developing. They actually have a program here

> in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to

> talk."

>

> "That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in

> that program?"

>

> "Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo

> says, "I'll get him in the course."

>

> So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

>

> About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs

> out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?"

> his father wants to know.

>

> "Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't

> believe

> this. They've had such good results with talking, they've

> begun to

> teach the animals how to read."

>

> "Read?" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol'

> Blue in that program?"

>

> "Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."

>

> The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At

> the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can

> neither talk nor read.

> So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the

> year, his father is all excited.

>

> "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and

> see him read something!"

>

> "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.

> Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol'

> Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner,

> reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to

> me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with

> that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"

>

> The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that

> bastard before he talks to your Mother!"

>

> "I sure did, Dad!"

>

> "That's my boy!"

>

> The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Beer, Blow job & Shut the F#ck Up Day.'

Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a beer a BJ& shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Beer Blow job & Shut the F#ck Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling.
So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world

 

[Dalton Veitch]

Well, Pete, the first part went OK. Now we'll see what happens on Steak, Beer, Blow Job, & Shut the F#ck Up Day!

 

[David Morton]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.' 'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?' 'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'NO SHIT.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies ?'

 

[Jeremy]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is
ahead by a couple
of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,"
the golfer mumbles
to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be
willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking the man is crazy
and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also
feels that maybe this is
a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I
sure would like to get
an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side
again and whispers,
"Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex
life?" Shrugging,
the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to
win. Without waiting
for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to
his side and says,
Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of
your sex life?"
Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger
walks alongside him
and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because
you don't know who I
am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will
have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father
O'Malley.

 

[Jeremy]

An interview with an 80-year-old woman The local news station was
interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married --
for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it
felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's
occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about
her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in
her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a
preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she
had married four men with such diverse careers?

Scroll down......











She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the

show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 

[Jeremy]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of
the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill
you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns
with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the
blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across
the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time
with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What
is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dumb ass horse. For
the last time...

BRING POSSEEEE!!!!

 

[Jeremy]

THOUGHTS FOR 2008

10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without
an erection, make him a sandwich.

7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
Dying of nothing.

4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax
cut saves you 50p?

2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is
Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:

"We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of
Cars in Britain......"

....but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants
and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of
Immigration.......!!!!

 

[Bill Bayard]

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was walking on the side of the
road hitchhiking on a dark and stormy night. The rain and fog was so severe
he could only see a few feet ahead of him. There were no cars in sight and
John was beginning to panic. Suddenly, he saw headlights approaching. The
car was traveling very slowly and came to a stop in front of him.
Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into the car
and closed the door. Only then did he realize there was nobody behind the
wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving forward slowly. John looked at the road ahead and
knew the car was approaching a sharp curve. Scared that the car would go
over the embankment, John started to pray for his life. Just before the car
hit the curve a hand appeared through the drivers side window and turned the
wheel. John was paralyzed with fear and terror as he watched the hand
repeatedly come through the window though it never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a Pub ahead. Gathering all his
strength, he opened the car door, jumped out, and ran towards the Pub.
Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everyone
about the horrible experience just had. A silence enveloped the Pub when
everyone realized he was crying.......and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the Pub door opened and two other people walked in to escape the
stormy night. They, like John, were soaking wet and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other, "Look Paddy, there's that fooking idiot that got in our car while we
were pushing it."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?










Because she smells like a new car!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute;

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?



2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?


3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?


4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?


5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?


6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?


8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racing car not called a racist?


9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?


10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?


11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced Tenty one?


12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?


13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?


15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?


16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.


18. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? ...Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE


19. Wasn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?


20. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?


21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one
enjoys it?

​

​

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

I unashamedly stole this from another forum.




10 Rules For Dating My Daughter
As my daughter is now at the age where she's taking notice of the opposite sex, I thought it was time to post the following rules which will be strictly enforced. She's a great kid and I trust her but you know how guys/boys are?

I'd elaborate more but I have to go clean my guns.

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 

[Dimi Terleckyj]

Pete

You had me in a quandry with the first paragraph.

"you know how guys/boys are"

I am still trying to remember what it was like to be a man before I was married.

Guys/boys are dirty creatures, I know because I think I was one once.

Dimi

 

[Charlie Farley]

Pete, excellent.

Whilst on the subject of choppers over paddy fields, try this one.

A Nam vet is shuffling his way down a street with his two sticks.
As he approaches the postman coming towards him, he says
' De Nang , 1968 '

The postman approaches him, dragging his right leg behind him with
the right foot flat on the tarmac and says,
' Dog shit , house number 20 '

 

[speed220mph]

No Joke: GM's CEO said, "I have Electile Dysfunction. None of the presidential candidates arouse me!"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

One for the sisters.......

Subject: Re: PC Magazine's 2007 Award Letter







PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning
letter".
Subject: Actual Letter to Proctor & GambleThis is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine hygiene products. She
really gets rolling after the first paragraph... Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your "Always" brand maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak
Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and
down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos
on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that
maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel
each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
"an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into
a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Period." Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything that I
have mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M-freak girl, there will never be
anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like "Put down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong", or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And, though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bulls**t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning
letter.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

The sad thing about this one is that it's totally believable!!

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a
warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a
1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a
magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of
cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse
lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in
the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is
atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped
handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do
their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush saying, "Mr President, please
accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things
that even a Queen cannot control."

Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do
not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I
thought it was one of the horses."