Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
To the person who stole my spectacles yesterday.
I'm coming after you, I will hunt you down, where ever you are I will find you. I have contacts.
I'm coming after you, I will hunt you down, where ever you are I will find you. I have contacts.
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
"Why didn't you show up for your shift yesterday? We had to cover you the whole time."
"I'm sorry- I was becoming a father."
"Really? Congratulations!! Boy or girl?"
"I'll let you know in nine months, lol"
"You're fired."
"I'm sorry- I was becoming a father."
"Really? Congratulations!! Boy or girl?"
"I'll let you know in nine months, lol"
"You're fired."
Charlie Farley
Supporter
GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE
Charlie Farley
Supporter
AN ALIEN ENCOUNTER
Two (2) aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps & the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning & repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun & said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."
"Rubbish!!!" replied the young alien. He aimed his weapon & opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him & blew the younger alien off his feet & threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three (3) eyes, straightened his bent antenna & looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend & replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess w/a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice & then stick it in his ear!!!"
Two (2) aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps & the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning & repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun & said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."
"Rubbish!!!" replied the young alien. He aimed his weapon & opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him & blew the younger alien off his feet & threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three (3) eyes, straightened his bent antenna & looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend & replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess w/a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice & then stick it in his ear!!!"