Jokes anyone? -

[Larry L.]

View attachment 110058

 

[Randy V]

 

[Larry L.]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."

 

[Randy V]

 

[Stephen Ducker]

To the person who stole my spectacles yesterday.

I'm coming after you, I will hunt you down, where ever you are I will find you. I have contacts.

 

[Randy V]

 

[Randy V]

 

[Larry L.]

 

[Larry L.]

 

[Larry L.]

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

"Why didn't you show up for your shift yesterday? We had to cover you the whole time."
"I'm sorry- I was becoming a father."
"Really? Congratulations!! Boy or girl?"
"I'll let you know in nine months, lol"
"You're fired."

 

[Larry L.]

 

[Larry L.]

 

[Larry L.]

 

[Larry L.]

 

[Larry L.]

 

[Larry L.]

 

[Larry L.]

 

[Larry L.]

 

[Charlie Farley]

GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.’

The man says, 'Yes, it is.’

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.’

Man - 'That's nice.’

Boy - 'Want to buy it?’

Man - 'No, thanks.’

Boy - 'My dad's outside.’

Man - 'OK, how much?’

Boy - '$250’

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.’

Man - 'Yes, it is.’

Boy - 'I have sand wedge.’

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?’

Boy - '$750’

Man - 'Sold..’

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.’

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?’

Boy - '$1,000.’

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.’

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.’

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again."