Jokes anyone? -

[Simon]

Autumn Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, September 23rd 2009

PLEASE NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM...


Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours


Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past M & S Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks..

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program - Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 9
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 10
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined



Class 11
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.:thumbsup:

 

[Keith]

Marriage - The Before & After

MARRIAGE BEFORE - THE PRE-NUPTIAL BLISS :drunk:

John – Ah... At last I can hardly wait!
Jane – Do you want me to leave?
John – NO! Don’t even think about it.
Jane – Do you love me?
John – Of course! Always have always will!
Jane – Have you every cheated on me?
John – NO! Why are you asking?
Jane – Will you kiss me?
John – Every chance I get!
Jane – Will you hit me?
John – Hell No! Are you crazy?
Jane – Can I trust you?
John – Yes
Jane – Darling

MARRIAGE AFTER - WHEN THE THRILL HAS GONE :cry:

(Just read the above backwards)

 

[Gary]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever'

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying GO TO HELL

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time: priceless

 

[David Morton]

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>
<o></o>

 

[Keith]

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>
<o></o>

I don't know if anyone remembers (I always retain totally useless information and forget the good stuff) but maybe 10 years ago, this joke in it's original southern USA red neck hunting guise, was officially recognised as the world's funniest joke... and it made I laugh lots.

 

[Simon]

YouTube - When the wife doesn't listen

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister
Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness
if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and
pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night
bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,
and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where
he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to
Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation
was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old b******' said the old nun... 'He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years !
...................................................................................................

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 15 metres above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude drifting with the wind at about 0.5 metres per second on a heading of 036 degrees."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f***ing fault.

 

[Garry]

MOMS IN GROUP THERAPY


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy , quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

Garry

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

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..</B>.

Deleted

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[Brian Hamilton]

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Aaawwww...

 

[Keith]

Trying to be Politically Correct Here

This ain't going to be easy and to be honest, perhaps I shouldn't post this joke but if it offends I'm sorry but I thought it funny. It does reinforce a stereotype but if you can laugh about it then you're halfway to not being bothered. And if you're not bothered, no one will make jokes about it!

Anyhow, it's probably as old as the hills to you lot...

Anyway there's these two guys who are non-white stunned talking about their respective experiences whilst having sex with a white woman.

The first non white guy says: Everytime I have sex with a white woman I always get the same problem, maybe I'm allergic. I get streaming eyes and a burning sensation..

Second non white guys says: Yeah funny that, me too. Must be the pepper spray.

 

[Brian Hamilton]

:lol:

Heard that one AGES ago. Oldie but a goodie...

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

POOF and the light goes off
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top width="100%">An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor says, 'Bert, everything looks great. How are you
doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

Bert replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,
*poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bert's wife. 'Ethel,' he says,
'Bert is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done,
*poof*! the light goes off?'

'OH MY GAWD!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pi $$ ing in the fridge again!!!!'


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[Garry]

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed
took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for
their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.
I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next
stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing
question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf. I
read about golf. I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe
golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added.

"You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists
straight when you tee off."

Garry

 

[David Morton]

deleted - innappropriate for elder members.

 

[Jay V]

deleted - innappropriate for elder members.

deleted - innappropriate for British members...

Come on David, re-post it...

 

[David Morton]

How would you pronounce this child's name?

She spells her name..... "Le-a"



So... How would YOU pronounce her name?


Leah? .................NO.
Lee - A? ........... NOPE.
Lay - a? ............ NOT A CHANCE.
Lei?,,,,,,,,,,NICE TRY...BUT... GUESS AGAIN!

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA.. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. She says it's pronounced................. "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked how in the world did she figured it should be pronounced that way....... She said....




..."cause the dash don't be silent!"

So, if you see a name come across your desk like this... Please remember to pronounce the dash.


And... If anyone axe you why, tell them it's 'cause the dash don't be silent!




Someone... Pleeeeze, pleeeze tell me dis don't be true! Surely, someone be's jokin' with us?!?!

 

[Rick Muck- Mark IV]

David,

It's pronounced "SEAN"!!!! Those damn celts have all the funky pronounciations!!


snopes.com: Le-a

 

[Miles]

A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a pair of quality, fur lined leather gloves.

His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two items, so the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers!

Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to take off). These are a very delicate shade, and the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me, and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that they rub against her ring, which keeps it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit, because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

Love,
Ron

P.S I thought you might like to know that my Mum likes to wear hers folded down with a little bit of fur showing.