Jokes

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because; over the years they have become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit; he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
 
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in
Jersey to say hello to this friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto excepta for da train ride down."

"Whaddyou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basketa food.
She bringa da vino, some nicea cigars for me, and we werea lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basaket .
The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'

So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again
and say, 'No a smokina in disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia, and I, we go to a sleeper
car anda go to bed. We just about to go badabing badaboom and the conductore, he walka through da hallway
shouting at a topa his a voice..

'Nofolka Virginia !
Nofolka Virginia !

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."
 

Allan

Supporter
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
 

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
'Big city guy was driving down a country road doing about 50 mph when, to his surprise, in his rear view mirror he spotted a chicken running up the road behind him...and it was starting to overtake him. Amazed, he stepped down on the accelerator and sped up to about 60. The chicken not only had kept up with him...it was now passing him...which it did with ease. It was then the guy noticed the chicken had 3 legs.

Fascinated by the feat (and the bird's 3-legs), the big city guy raced after the chicken...whereupon the chicken promptly pulled a hard right off the road, rocketed up a farmer's driveway and disappeared between a couple of outbuildings.

There wasn't enough room between the 'buildings to allow the big city guy's car to follow, so he stopped the car...at which point the farmer who owned the place walked up to him and asked what the heck was going on. The city guy asked the farmer if he'd seen the 3-legged chicken that had just rocketed up the driveway. The Farmer confirmed that. 'Also confirmed it was one of his chickens and that he had several hundred of them.

The guy asked the farmer why he was raising 3-legged chickens...and the farmer explained that the third leg came in handy when cooking dinner for a family of three...among other reasons.

The guy asked if the 3-legged chickens taste as good as the regular 2-legged variety.

The farmer replied; "I dunno. Nobody's caught one yet."
 
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No but it looks like Walt got so excited he bumped the 'caps lock' key while he was recounting Luigi & Virginia's honeymoon train trip. Dont tell him though.
 
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