Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Yeah my favorite is where he is laying into his Trombone player and pulls the tour bus over and drops him in the road
Charlie Farley
Supporter
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Attachments
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous
And does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States,
He wakes one morning to find his penis covered
With bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, He immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this
Before, orders some tests and tells the man to
Return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and
The doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you,
You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very
Rare and almost unheard of here, we know
Very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says,
'Well, give me a shot or something and fix
Me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's
No known cure.
We're going to have to amputate it.'
The man screams in horror,
'Absolutely not,! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead, if
You want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
Figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
Proclaims, 'Ah, Yes, Mongolian VD.
Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already
Know that but what can we do,?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it,!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
'Stupid American docttah, always want to
Opawate. Make more money dat way.
No need to amputate.!'
Oh, Thank God,!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor,
'Wait two weeks..
Fawl off by self. !'
And does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States,
He wakes one morning to find his penis covered
With bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, He immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this
Before, orders some tests and tells the man to
Return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and
The doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you,
You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very
Rare and almost unheard of here, we know
Very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says,
'Well, give me a shot or something and fix
Me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's
No known cure.
We're going to have to amputate it.'
The man screams in horror,
'Absolutely not,! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead, if
You want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
Figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
Proclaims, 'Ah, Yes, Mongolian VD.
Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already
Know that but what can we do,?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it,!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
'Stupid American docttah, always want to
Opawate. Make more money dat way.
No need to amputate.!'
Oh, Thank God,!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor,
'Wait two weeks..
Fawl off by self. !'
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
Ray, a nine bob note, one who goes home on the other bus - a poofta, goes
Into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says,'" Ray I'm not going to beat around the bush.
You have AIDS."
Ray is devastated. "Doc, what can I do ?" he asks.
The Doc replied:
"Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of Cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno Peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box Of All Bran,
And top it off with a litre of prune juice".
Ray is bewildered. " Will that cure me, Doc?"
The Doc says " No, but it should leave you with a better understanding
of what your ARSE is for !"
Into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says,'" Ray I'm not going to beat around the bush.
You have AIDS."
Ray is devastated. "Doc, what can I do ?" he asks.
The Doc replied:
"Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of Cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno Peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box Of All Bran,
And top it off with a litre of prune juice".
Ray is bewildered. " Will that cure me, Doc?"
The Doc says " No, but it should leave you with a better understanding
of what your ARSE is for !"
SORRY GUYS - CAN'T FIND PETE'S "NON PC" THREAD
And, I think this may qualify..
"Ive just put a deposit down on a new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I cant understand why the Americans are so upset. All I said was I couldn't wait for the new 911.
However 40,000 Paki's have added me as a friend..."
And, I think this may qualify..
"Ive just put a deposit down on a new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I cant understand why the Americans are so upset. All I said was I couldn't wait for the new 911.
However 40,000 Paki's have added me as a friend..."
<TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" width="100%">The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
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<o>Garry</o>
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
fficeffice" /><o></o></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
<o
></o><o
>Garry</o>David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>
An elderly couple are attending church services.
About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back , "Put a new battery in your hearing aid.."
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
An elderly couple are attending church services.
About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back , "Put a new battery in your hearing aid.."
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
Just love the type size for the visually challenged, so...
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of decency, and to keep IT from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, sniggering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of decency, and to keep IT from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, sniggering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
DIVORCE - AUSTRALIAN STYLE :laugh:
(you will need sound chaps)
IhaveeverythingIneed.flv video by hard11 - Photobucket
(you will need sound chaps)
IhaveeverythingIneed.flv video by hard11 - Photobucket
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Keith, a classic:thumbsup:
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study
for a test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt.
They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding
last night and on their return, a tyre burst on their car and they had to
push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to
do the test.
The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day, they went for their test.
The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were
required to sit in separate classrooms.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days...
The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks........
Q. 1. Which tyre?
a) Front Left b) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right
for a test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt.
They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding
last night and on their return, a tyre burst on their car and they had to
push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to
do the test.
The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day, they went for their test.
The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were
required to sit in separate classrooms.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days...
The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks........
Q. 1. Which tyre?
a) Front Left b) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
A man gets extremely depressed and decides to kill himself. However, thinking maybe he shouldn't, he remembers that his medical insurance company has a suicide prevention hotline and the number for it is on the back of his medical insurance ID card. Taking out the card, he dials the number. From the voice that answers, it's clear that the job of answering the suicide hotline has been outsourced- to Pakistan.
"Suicide hotline- can I help you?" says the voice, whose first language is obviously NOT English.
"Yes," the man says. "I am extremely depressed, I can't bear it any longer, and I want to kill myself."
"Ah," says the voice, "Can you drive a truck?"
"Suicide hotline- can I help you?" says the voice, whose first language is obviously NOT English.
"Yes," the man says. "I am extremely depressed, I can't bear it any longer, and I want to kill myself."
"Ah," says the voice, "Can you drive a truck?"
One dark night outside a small town in northern Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed over to the fire chief. 'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant'. They must be saved. I will give $100,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact!
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. In the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian Rural Township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians well over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant and, without even slowing down, drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on video, asking their chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Vell,' said Ole Olson, the 80-year-old fire chief, 'Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!'
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed over to the fire chief. 'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant'. They must be saved. I will give $100,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact!
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. In the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian Rural Township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians well over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant and, without even slowing down, drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on video, asking their chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Vell,' said Ole Olson, the 80-year-old fire chief, 'Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!'
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Roller parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires...
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Roller parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires...
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead..
At a Cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man..'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
And by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead..
At a Cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man..'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
And by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
No One is Safe in the New Shiny Politically Incorrect Paddock
A Jewish man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Motorway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife.
IF you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen"
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>
A Jewish man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Motorway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife.
IF you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen"
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></o>