Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

This morning on the "F3",
I looked over to my

left and there was a


WOMAN !!


in a brand new


BMW doing 125 klm


with her


face up next to her


rear view mirror


putting on her eyeliner.


I looked away


for a couple seconds


and when I looked back she was


halfway over in my lane,


still working on that makeup.


As a man,


I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much;


I dropped


my electric shaver,


which knocked


the donut


out of my other hand.


In all


the confusion of trying


to straighten out the car


using my knees against


the steering wheel,


it knocked


my cell phone


away from my ear


which fell


into the coffee


between my legs,


splashed,


and burned


Big Jim and the Twins,


ruined the damn phone,


soaked my pants,


and disconnected an


important call.


Damn women drivers​

 

[David Morton]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

 

[JoeTreu]

A baby harbor seal walked into a club...

 

[JoeTreu]

MUST READ!!!
Okay, one more but this is not a funny joke just an impossible situation:

Three traveling salesmen who dont know one another all arive at a
motel at the same time. They all need a room, but the manager
informs them that there is only one room left. The men talk for
a few minutes and decide that they will all share the room for
this one night only, then part ways in the mourning. The manager
has no problem with this, so he tells the men that the room is
$30.00, each man pays $10.00 dollars each adding up to the $30.00
total. About an hour after the men settle in, the manager realizes
that there was a special that day and rooms were only $25.00
So the manager gives the bell boy $5.00 to split up between the
3 men. As the bell boy is walking to the room he is trying to
figure out how to split the money evenly, so he decides to keep
$2.00 and give each man back a dollar each so that now they paid
a total of only $9.00 each. Now if you add the the $9 x 3 salesmen
this equals $27.00, plus the $2.00 from the bell boy equals $29.00
So where's the extra dollar???

now lets hear the solutions people???

 

[Chris]

27 - 2 = 25. You need to subtract the two rather than add it.

 

[Keith]

Sorry if you've already heard this chaps, but when I need cheering up this always works for me. Never fails to crack me up.....

Video of Tom Mabe - Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

PS sound on...

 

[Geoff Hurrell]

Hans vas a Norvegian vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the clinik and vhen he got dar, da Norsky doctor looked at Hans and said, "Let's hafe da finkers
and I'll see vhat I can do."

Hans said, "I hafen't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he asked.

"Lordy! It's 2008! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Hans responded: "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

 

[Keith]

At 85 years of age, Desmond married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Desmond should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself
they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Desmond, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.All goes well, Desmond takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Desmond, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Desmond kisses his bride,bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Desmond Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Desmond gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.You are truly a great lover, Desmond.'

Desmond, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

 

[Duncan Potter]

That's one advantage of losing my memory I hadn't thought of before....At least I don't think I did!

 

[MReid]

Keith, I love that Tom Mabe clip! Never gets old.

 

[David Morton]

<TABLE cellPadding=5 width=478 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=Text>Rules of the air</I>

</TD></TR><TR><TD class=Text>1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.</I>

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.</I>

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.</I>

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.</I>

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.</I>

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot starts sweating.</I>

</I>​

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one has ever collided with the sky.</I>

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.</I>

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.</I>

​

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.</I>

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.</I>

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.</I>
12a. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.</I>

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.</I>

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.</I>
</TD></TR><TR><TD class=Text>

​

</TD></TR><TR><TD class=Text>16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.</I>

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.</I>

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.</I>

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.</I>

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.</I>

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.</I>

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.</I>

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.</I>

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.</I>


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

<HR style="COLOR: #666666" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->
JAPANESE SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A CAMERA WITH A SHUTTER SPEED SO FAST,
THEY CAN NOW PHOTOGRAPH A WOMAN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT.

A BOY ASKS HIS GRANNY, "HAVE YOU SEEN MY PILLS, THEY WERE LABELLED LSD?"
GRANNY REPLIES, "F... THE PILLS, HAVE YOU SEEN THE DRAGONS IN THE KITCHEN?!"

LITTLE BILLY ASKS HIS DAD FOR A TELLY IN HIS ROOM. DAD RELUCTANTLY AGREES.
NEXT DAY BILLY COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND ASKS, "DAD, WHAT'S LOVE JUICE?"
DAD LOOKS HORRIFIED AND TELLS BILLY ALL ABOUT SEX.
BILLY JUST SAT THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN IN AMAZEMENT. DAD SAYS, "SO WHAT WERE YOU WATCHING?"
BILLY SAYS, "WIMBLEDON!"



A WOMAN STANDING NUDE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, SAYS TO HER HUSBAND, "I LOOK HORRIBLE, I FEEL FAT & UGLY, PAY ME A COMPLIMENT."
HE REPLIES, "YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!"

WIFE GETS NAKED & ASKS HUBBY, "WHAT TURNS YOU ON MORE, MY PRETTY FACE OR MY SEXY BODY?"
HUBBY LOOKS HER UP & DOWN AND REPLIES, "YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR!"

 

[Duncan Potter]

Dear Tide Detergent People

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people

 

[Keith]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still
clasping his hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and
put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

 

[Jeremy]

A man was in a long queue at his local Tesco store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms,Till 5.'

The next man in the queue thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...









(you'll love this one...................)











'Mop and bucket, Till 5'

 

[Jeremy]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?



Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."

 

[Andy Besic]

BLONDE EASTER

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said 'Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.” St. Peter said, 'Noooooo,' and he banished her to H*ll.

The second blonde, a Brit, said 'Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts.' St. Peter said, 'Noooooo,' and he banished her to H*ll.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, 'So, tell me. 'She said, 'Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder...

St. Peter said, 'Verrrrrry good Then the blond continued, 'Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey.'

St. Peter fainted.


Happy Easter!

 

[Bill Musarra]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'



The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'



The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls............... You must be a POLITICIAN !!!!​

 

[Charlie Farley]

Seeing as its Easter.

A little Christian humor
This is one of the best clean jokes I've seen in awhile!


Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. The y had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,



JESUS SAVES

 

[Simon]

Viagra' is now available in

powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual

performance but it does stop your

biscuit going soft.