Jokes anyone? -

[Scott]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk..
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset..
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him th at I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent..

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
..............................

HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->__________________

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a
Deep coma.After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees
That she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her
Baby.The doctor replies, "You had twins; a boy and a girl!
The babies are fine now, but they were poorly at birth and had to be
Christened immediately. Your brother came in and named them."The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not MI brother!
He's a f8%#!#, clueless, gob-sh8$^!"Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.The new mother is totally relieved.
"Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother, I
Like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"


"Denephew".

 

[Gregg]

Childbirth
Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3-yr old
girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place......smack his a$$ again!'

 

[Jay V]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago the fence wasn't electric!

 

[Bill Musarra]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Beverly.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Beverly felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.





So they buried Beverly .

 

[Brian Hamilton]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

 

[RichardH]

Hamilton loses Belgian GP appeal


its a joke - no?

 

[David Lowe]

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.


After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it.'

 

[Al Wohlstrom]

Little Johnny sees his mother nude, sitting on his prone father, bouncing up and down as he passes their bedroom on the way to the bathroom late one night! He talks to his mother at breakfast and relates what he had seen the previous night. Thinking quickly, his mother says that father is gaining weight and that she is bouncing the weight off him. Johnny says mom that's never going to work! Mom asks why? Because as soon as you leave for work, the lady next door comes over and blows him back up again!

 

[David Lowe]

> An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
>
> Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing
some on
> sale, he bought them and wore them home.
>
> Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his
wife,
> "Notice anything different about me?"
>
> Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
>
> Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and
walked back
> into the kitchen completely naked except
> for the boots.
>
> Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice
anything
> different NOW?"
>
> Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's
hanging
> down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
> it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
>
> Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?"
>
> "Nope", she replied.
>
> "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
>
> Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought
a hat,
> Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
>
>

 

[Bill Musarra]

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?



These men​

were considered some of the world's most successful of their days.

Now,
85 years later,
the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.​

​

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab ,
died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson ,
went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney ,
was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger ,
died abroad, penniless.

5. The president
of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore ,
also committed suicide.

However:
in that same year,
1923,
the PGA Champion
and
the winner of
the
most important golf tournament,
the US Open,
was
Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:
Screw work.
Play golf

 

[Simon]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag?

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man of about 12 inches tall and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

'Where on earth did you get that?' asked the surprised bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here, Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish - just one.'


The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says,
'I want a million bucks!'


A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!



The bartender turns to the man and says, 'You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'


The man replies...
'Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist???

 

[Simon]

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch

> together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

>

> The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'

>

> Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

>

> The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.

>

> Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.

>

> A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

>

> The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'

>

> Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

>

> Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.

>

> Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.

>

> A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some

> cookies.

>

> Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'

>

> The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

>

> Gramps replies , 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.

>

> The little boy replies, 'Then go f*ck yourself'. Grandma made these for

> me'.

 

[Russ Noble]

Hamilton loses Belgian GP appeal


its a joke - no?

No but this is....

"Renault's Fernando Alonso was stripped of a dramatic victory in the Singapore Grand Prix after stewards handed him a 25-second post-race penalty.


The Spaniard was demoted to tenth place in front of McLaren's Heikki Kovalainen as a result of the 25 second penalty.
He was accused of gaining an advantage by cutting the first corner of the Singapore circuit's turn one at the start of the race.
Renault announced that they intend to appeal against the stewards' decision.
Before the penalty, Alonso had seemingly won the gran prix in dramatic fashion by moving from 15th place on the race grid to win the race - due in large part to a safety car brought out by a incident involving his teammate Nelson Piquet.

The stewards have further announced that an investigation is ongoing to verify that no collusion took place within the Renault team to draw a safety car following an early pit stop by Alonso. Most of his on track competitors had not yet pitted at the time of the incident involving his teammate - providing Alonso with a significant advantage that ultimately allowed him to move into first place.
"It was an incredible race" Alonso said before his penalty was announced. "After qualifying, I believed our weekend was over because it is so difficult, if not impossible to pass here."

The first place finish was the first for the Spaniard since the 2006 season in which Alonso raced for McLaren - a season that included the much publicized Formula One spying scandal and conflict within the McLaren team.

Like the decision passed down at the Spa circuit two races ago, the steward's decision is likely to be controversial."

j/k

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A Cat called Lucky.

Read text before opening image.

I guess with a title like that you are expecting a story about a cat that got hit by a car and dragged itself on three legs 200klms after being bitten by a snake?


Wrong....open image.
















I

 

[David Lowe]

Don't know who she is?

But she claims to know you!

 

[Simon]

Don't know who she is?

But she claims to know you!

V V good!

 

[Ian Anderson]

Cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'




I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'.

I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin'.



I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ' Tenpin?'

I said, 'No, permanent.'



I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'

T he guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'

I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'



I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'

I said 'No, just a watch.'



IMy mate is in love with two schoolbags.

He's bisatchel.



I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his

name, it's P something T something R.



I was reading this book today, ' T he History Of Glue'.

I couldn't put it down.



I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just

went on and on.



I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,

'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'

He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'



I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.

She said, 'Are you having me on?'

I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you

anything.'



I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip

outside my house?'

He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'





I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, 'How flexible are you?'

I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A note of explanation for the non Aussies. Kevin Rudd is our left wing Prime Minister. Julia Gillard is the deputy Prime Minister.





A platoon of soldiers werepatrollingnorth of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.


The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.


The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.


He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'


'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard !'


'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, When a f**king truck hit us.'<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>

 

[Phil]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour.

But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.
His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.