Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetary.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a man walking a large dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man with the dog and said "I am sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's".
"What happened to her"?
The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her".
He then inquired "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered "My Mother-In-Law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her too".
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog"?
The man replied "Get in line".
People often ask me why I got divorced from my most recent wife.
It kind of happened like this: my wife and I were sitting in the living room watching TV about some life threatening illnesses, and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state like that, dependent on some machines and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug.'
She got up,
unplugged the computer
switched off the telly,
and emptied out my beer.
That's how the fight started....
It kind of happened like this: my wife and I were sitting in the living room watching TV about some life threatening illnesses, and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state like that, dependent on some machines and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug.'
She got up,
unplugged the computer
switched off the telly,
and emptied out my beer.
That's how the fight started....
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
An older GT40 driver approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'
That's not a joke Pete; that's a true story.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided
to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much
will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would
need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband "Does she
realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're
finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her
along with a ten dollar tip.
"And by the way, "the blonde added," it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"
to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much
will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would
need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband "Does she
realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're
finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her
along with a ten dollar tip.
"And by the way, "the blonde added," it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"
"Do You Know Me?"
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma
a question if they aren't prepared for the answer: In
a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly
woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you
cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're
a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to
do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and
he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the
bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of
you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you
both to the electric chair."
Garry
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma
a question if they aren't prepared for the answer: In
a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly
woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you
cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're
a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to
do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and
he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the
bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of
you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you
both to the electric chair."
Garry
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
A blond and her husband are lying in bed Listening to the next door
neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up
out of bed and says,"I've had enough of this".She goes downstairs.
The blond finally comes back up to bed And her husband says "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two Blonds With Hammers..
Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it In.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you
Throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blonds who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blond hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blond replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blond said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blond went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blond roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blond told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up
out of bed and says,"I've had enough of this".She goes downstairs.
The blond finally comes back up to bed And her husband says "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two Blonds With Hammers..
Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it In.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you
Throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blonds who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blond hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blond replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blond said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blond went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blond roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blond told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
a redneck from georgia decides to travel across the south to virginia to see god's country. When he gets to franklin , he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!!!!
He walks into the i nternational paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day!!! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree "see that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
the redneck promptly answers, "that thar's a whitepine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."
the foreman is impressed!!! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger w indow and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"that's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet."
the foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!! !!
One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "and what about that one?"
before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "white oak, 242 board feet at best."
the foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks bubba to step outside.
He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "see that tree over there?" "i want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!!"
the foreman thinks to himself, "idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?"
when bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and plac es a white x on the trunk.
He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "that thar's the front," the redneck says.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "how in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
the good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "cuz somebody took a shit behind it!"
he got the job.
Miranda Rights
A female police officer pulls a man over for drunk driving.
The officer stated to the man :
"Sir you understand anything you do or say will be held against you."
The Drunk Replied "tits"
A female police officer pulls a man over for drunk driving.
The officer stated to the man :
"Sir you understand anything you do or say will be held against you."
The Drunk Replied "tits"
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
Garry
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
Garry
An armed hooded robber bursts into a bank, and forces the tellers to load a bag full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer
grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the man without hesitation! He then looks around
the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is
looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him
also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. Did
anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.
There are a few moments of silence.........then a man, looking
down, timidly raises his hand and says: "I'm pretty sure my wife peeked"....
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer
grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the man without hesitation! He then looks around
the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is
looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him
also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. Did
anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.
There are a few moments of silence.........then a man, looking
down, timidly raises his hand and says: "I'm pretty sure my wife peeked"....
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
Agincourt</st1
lace> in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
lace> in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew'). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o
></o>
A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.."
The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says, "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says, "What happened"?
The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"
The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says, "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says, "What happened"?
The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to F**ck off!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
I told them to F**ck off!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
Genius...ROTFLMAO
True friendship
Are you tired of those pi$$ weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card
Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.
1. When you are sad --I will help you get pis$$ed and plot revenge against the barsteward who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will take the pi$$ out of you every chance I get until you're NOT.
5.When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until YOU STOP WHINING!
6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.
7.When you are sick --Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, I will laugh at you, you clumsy ar$e,
but I'll help you up.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
Because you are my friend.
Friendship is like pi$$ing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Are you tired of those pi$$ weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card
Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.
1. When you are sad --I will help you get pis$$ed and plot revenge against the barsteward who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will take the pi$$ out of you every chance I get until you're NOT.
5.When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until YOU STOP WHINING!
6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.
7.When you are sick --Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, I will laugh at you, you clumsy ar$e,
but I'll help you up.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
Because you are my friend.
Friendship is like pi$$ing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
