Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another. The elephants were connected trunk to tail. They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them.
Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000. B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?"
Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each."
B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!"
Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."

 

[Brian Kissel]

"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol."

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana,with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.

 

[Jeremy]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.



I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.



My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.



I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.



I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.



My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.



I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor. She only had £1.20 in her purse.



My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.



I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.Then I was petrified.



The wife said to me: "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." I said: "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."



I was explaining to the wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said, "I would like to come back as a cow." I said, "You're obviously not listening."



The wife was counting all the 1ps and 2ps out on the kitchen table when suddenly she got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."



When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse it or anything!



I Bought some rocket salad yesterday but it went off before I could eat it.



Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.



Nineteen paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks: "Why so many of you?"

Mick replies: "The film said 18 or over."

 

[Jeremy]

Irish golfer



A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.



"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise." and the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself, "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."





A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers, "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."



"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"



"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states, "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"



"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"



The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.

How many times a week?"



Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."



"What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock, "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"



"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

 

[Robert May Eng.]

geography

The Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild, and naturally beautiful with bush land around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

bob

 

[Larry L.]

Quips And Quotes

 

[Robert May Eng.]

I have been waking up really Grumpy in the mornings but this morning I let her have a lie in

Bob

 

[Pat]

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on
$4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

 

[Jack]

me likes that one Pat!

 

[Pat]

They just installed these at the airport. Has anybody else tried one?

It is the worst urinal ever!

 

[Jack]

Anything with rapidly rotating stainless steel blades, I keep far from. Pat, check out the newer Dyson Air Blade V. It stands only 4" from the wall.

You funny!

 

[Ian Anderson]

Adult Scrabble





Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body, which is even more useful when erect.


P N E S I


People who wrote SPINE became doctors.....the rest are all my e-mail friends...

 

[Bill Musarra]

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket you idiot!

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

�

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

�

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

 

[tom pritchett]

Nature photos are as endearing to me as any. This is a really moving shot of a falcon nesting in a tree. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

http://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg

 

[Jack]

Saw a Falcon wagon yesterday, a 1964 in close to the same shape. The guy said it was mostly original, still driving it.

 

[Danimal W]

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based ON what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The result:

Drink: Beer Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel) Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has NO clue. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk ... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila No explanations required -- everyone KNOWS what happens here.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay. (Or a lawyer)

 

[Jack]

Priceless, I can confirm all of the above!

 

[Marcus]

Excellent, just one missing...

Schnaps: Utterly frustrated because he couldn´t get laid.

 

[Danimal W]

Excellent, just one missing...

Schnaps: Utterly frustrated because he couldn´t get laid.

I'll take your word on it... Never had the stuff, my story and I'm sticking to it. :drunk:

 

[Larry L.]

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row."

What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.