Jokes anyone? -

[Keith]

On a train from London to Cambridge, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
“ The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy.
You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us .
Look at me ... I'm me !
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Spanish
blood. What do you say to that?”



The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, "How frightfully sporting of your mother!”

 

[Grady]

Critical Thinking At Its Best!


<tt>Woman:</tt>
<tt>Do you drink beer?</tt>
<tt>Man: Yes</tt>

<tt>Woman:</tt>
<tt>How many beers a day?</tt>

<tt>Man:</tt>
<tt>Usually about 3</tt>

<tt>Woman:</tt>
<tt>How much do you pay per beer?</tt>

<tt>Man: $5.00 which includes a tip</tt>

<tt>(This is where it gets scary!)</tt>

<tt>Woman:</tt>
<tt>And how long have you been drinking?</tt>

<tt>Man:</tt>
<tt>About 20 years, I suppose</tt>

<tt>Woman:</tt>
<tt>So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending </tt>
<tt>each month at $450.</tt>
<tt>In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?</tt>

<tt>Man:</tt>
<tt>Correct</tt>

<tt>Woman:</tt>
<tt>If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past</tt>
<tt>20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?</tt>

<tt>Man:</tt>
<tt>Correct</tt>

<tt>Woman:</tt>
<tt>Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could </tt>
<tt>have been put in a step-up</tt> <tt>Interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for </tt><tt>the past 20 years,</tt> <tt>You could have now bought a Ferrari?</tt>



<tt>Man:</tt>
<tt>Do you drink beer?</tt>

<tt>Woman:</tt>
<tt>No</tt>



<tt>Where's your Ferrari?</tt>

 

[Grady]

These two, short sentences tell you a lot about our American government and our culture:


1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics. Funny how that works.

And here’s another one worth considering.



2. Seems we constantly hear about how the Social Security Pension Plan could run out of money. How come we never hear about welfare running out of money?

What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second group didn't.



Think about it.....

 

[Jack]

You nailed it Grady!

 

[Larry L.]

+2!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and
demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says,
"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number
of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and Hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do

 

[John]

classic Pete.

it reminds me of a young fella I knew a few years ago when I was still working in the mines.
it was up around Meekathara in the middle of nowhere in WA.
now for those of you who don't reside in this great land down under, all there is up there is desert a pub a service station and a couple of gold mines.
and young Mort was an aborigine lad born and raised in the local mission and never set foot out side the place, so he didny have much of an education but he wasn't stupid.

anyway one day after driving into town on pension day for a few drinks, on the way home he gets stopped by the local constable who thinks his driving is a bit suspect
police officer , "allo there young Mort had a few drinks in town have we"
"oh just a couple boss"replies Mort, "honest"
"I think you've had more than a couple " says the coppa "so think you'd better blow into this bag for me"
OH no boss I cant do that" replies Mort "i cant blow in that bag cause i'm a bad asthmatic"
öh, is that so says the coppa, "well in that case you will have to accompany me back to the station and ill get the doc to take a blood test"
Oh no boss, you cant take no blood fröm Mort, no no no, cause i'm bad haemophiliac boss I bleed all over"
"well if that's the case", says the coppa getting a bit tired of poor Morts excuses
we will have to take a urine sample is that ok"
"Oh no fear boss, you cant take no urine sample from Mort, no no never can do that boss"
"oh for Gods sake" says a now irate coppa "now what's the problem you got some sort of kidney disease or what"
Oh no boss, nothing wrong with Morts water works, its just that John Howard fella you know the big chief prime minister fella, well he passed a new law that says you coppas are not allowed to take the piss out of us black fellas anymore.

john

 

[John]

I will apologise in advance as i'm stuck in bloody hospital again and i'm bored out of my tree so the missus bought in her lap top.

another little story I can tell you about young Mort,
Is one day on a lonely out back dirt rd, a couple of kiwis were traveling along in their hired 4wd and as the hit a rather large pot hole they came across young mort sitting on the side of the road swearin and cussing like they've never heard before.
so they stops, and the young Kiwi wife is so excited as she's never seen a real live aborigine before, so she rushes over to young Mort and starts asking all kinds of questions about boomerangs and how they survive in the desert etc , and then she asks Mort "is it true that aborigines have eyes like eagles and can see food a mile away"
Oh yes miss" replies young Mort, "I can spot a tick on a crows back at 500 yards"
"can you give us a demonstration please" she asks "we'd dearly love to see that"
so Mort focuses then says "miss, you see the pile of bull dust way up there" pointing to the road about a mile ahead,
"well makin that dust is a Blue 63 Holden ute with the registration number 162FGT and on the back is 2 blokes and 3 dogs"
"That's absolutely amazing" says the young wife, "I really cant believe it , are you absolutely positive"
"sure as i'm standin in this bull dust missus, cause not 10 minutes ago untill it hit this pot hole I was sittin in the back of the f#ckin thing"

 

[John]

Last one honest before me jab of happy starts to take effect

Constable Jones was heading back to town after being out to the mission to quell a bit of a disturbance, when he notices a vehicle coming towards him wandering all over the road.
so he pulls up and waves the car down, the vehicle in question finally comes to rest in a ditch on the wrong side of the road, so he rushes over and low and behold who should be slumped behind the wheel
"allo young Mort" says the coppa and noticed the smell of alcohol coming from the car was over powering, "I think you better blow into my bag and no excuses this time"
so poor young mort knows he cant talk his way out of this one, says "ökey dokeÿ boss gimme a blow",
so he blows in the bag, and the poor ole coppa is amazed , the reading was that high, he shouldn't be alive let alone driving.
Mort" says the coppa, "you no, ive never, in all my years, seen a blood alcohol reading as high as yours"
"yeh that right boss", slurs young Mort, "so what dose that mean" he asked
"it means your dead drunk"
"thank god for that" says Mort
"for a while there I thought me steering was shot"

 

[Keith]

Hospital eh Kaspa? I know how that feels mate.

Have a go at this - keep you occupied for hours plus bring back some memories.

Get fit soon mate...

Clicky >>>>>>>You're Getting Old!

 

[John]

good god Keith no wonder I feel so old
john

 

[John]

Must be the drugs, I just thought of another

Traffic officer was on duty one day in his patrol car, and having a very quiet day, when all of a sudden he sees a car turn on to the high way and proceed to speed off at a great rate of knots, so on with the lights and off in hot pursuit, only to have the offender immediately speed up, but the officer soon catches and forces the offender to the side of the road , get out and walks up to the offending car thinking, I wonder what doozy of excuse ill get this time, as he'd heard them all before, so he makes a mental note to himself, if I hear one ive never heard before ill give him a warning.
with that he arrives at the offenders window and says "afternoon sir, traveling a bit fast weren't we, considering this is an 80kph zone"
"yeh sorry officer but when I saw you put the lights on I panicked"
"Oh and why would you panic" says the officer
"well sir you see about three months ago, my wife ran off with a police man, and for a moment there I thought you were trying to bring her back"
"have a nice day and keep your speed down"

 

[Jack]

A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied: “a can of peaches.” The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

 

[Keith]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week,
a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him..."

 

[Larry L.]

Critical Thinking At Its Best!


<TT>Woman:</TT>
<TT>Do you drink beer?</TT>
<TT>Man: Yes</TT>

<TT>Woman:</TT>
<TT>How many beers a day?</TT>

<TT>Man:</TT>
<TT>Usually about 3</TT>

<TT>Woman:</TT>
<TT>How much do you pay per beer?</TT>

<TT>Man: $5.00 which includes a tip</TT>

<TT>(This is where it gets scary!)</TT>

<TT>Woman:</TT>
<TT>And how long have you been drinking?</TT>

<TT>Man:</TT>
<TT>About 20 years, I suppose</TT>

<TT>Woman:</TT>
<TT>So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending </TT>
<TT>each month at $450.</TT>
<TT>In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?</TT>

<TT>Man:</TT>
<TT>Correct</TT>

<TT>Woman:</TT>
<TT>If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past</TT>
<TT>20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?</TT>

<TT>Man:</TT>
<TT>Correct</TT>

<TT>Woman:</TT>
<TT>Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could </TT>
<TT>have been put in a step-up</TT><TT>Interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for </TT><TT>the past 20 years,</TT><TT>You could have now bought a Ferrari?</TT>



<TT>Man:</TT>
<TT>Do you drink beer?</TT>

<TT>Woman:</TT>
<TT>No</TT>



<TT>Where's your Ferrari?</TT>

^^^THIS HAS TO BE ONE OF MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE JOKES OF ALL TIME!

:thumbsup::thumbsup:

 

[Jack]

The Nun's cab ride

A Cabbie picks up a Nun.

The Nun gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

The Cabbie says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

The Nun responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1 - you have to be single and
#2 - you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the Nun says, "Pull into the next alley."

The Nun then fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the Nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The Nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

You cleaned that one up substantially Jack.

 

[Jack]

Yes Pete, made it palatable for all.

 

[Nick]

Yes Pete, made it palatable for all.

Saves me the job before sending it to my mum, who has a direct line to the pope :thumbsup:

 

[Keith]

For Americans only: You've got to say it out loud phonetically as written.

(Apologies to all sweaties)

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...."

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”