Jokes anyone? -

molleur · Nov 22, 2014

I shot my first turkey of the season today.

Scared the crap out of the folks at the frozen food counter.....

Keith1 · Nov 24, 2014

I reckon Pete has heard this one a thousand times, so here it is for everyone else...

Jack and his date, Blossom were parked on a back road some distance from Brisbane, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from Brisbane.

Things were getting hot and heavy when Blossom stopped Jack

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $120 for $ex," she said.

Jack just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they went on to have mind blowing $ex for the next hour.

After they were done, and had smoked a cigarette, Jack just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked Blossom

"Well.........",Jack replied with a grin on his face,

"I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a Taxi Driver and the fare back to Brisbane is $130 "

Larry L. · Nov 24, 2014

He shudda said $230...

David Lowe · Nov 26, 2014

NAG! NAG! NAG!

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where

Have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on it went.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak

In the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

Al Wohlstrom · Dec 1, 2014

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got
what he deserved.
He yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying,
good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dressed and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.

Nick Brough · Dec 1, 2014

I know the feeling.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iTTNRE-njM]Hilarious Golden Retriever Really Wants To Race But.. First Things First. - YouTube[/ame]

molleur · Dec 4, 2014

There’s a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena was hired at the factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am Lena’s foreman storms into the Personnel Manager's office and rants about the new hire, Lena. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush ted fabric and a huge bag of small marbles

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. “I'm sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

Larry L. · Dec 5, 2014

A lawyer and a senior citizen were seated next to each other on a plane.

The lawyer thought he'd have a bit of fun with the senior quite literally at the senior's expense since he figured seniors aren't too bright and it'd be easy to put one over on the guy.

The lawyer asked the senior if he'd like to play a game. The senior declined saying he'd rather get a bit of sleep.

The lawyer persisted. He said, "It'll be fun. I'll ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then, you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll pay you $500."

This grabs the senior's attention, so, he agrees to play the game for a bit.

The lawyer then asked the senior, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The senior doesn't say a thing...'just hands the lawyer $5, and, per the rules, he then asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down with 4?"

The lawyer frantically searches the 'net on his laptop, emails every smart person he knows - researches every source he can think of, but, after 45 minutes of searching he can't find the answer. He hands the senior $500 whereupon the senior simply closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep.

About an hour later, the lawyer can't stand it anymore, 'wakes the senior from his nap, and asks, "Okay, so, what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down with 4?"

The senior hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with old people...

IanAnderson · Dec 5, 2014

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly gentleman as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!'

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,

'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm off for the weekend so I really don't need the paperwork.

If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,

'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman

Larry L. · Dec 5, 2014

</PRE>
Bob and Joanne are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public-address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us, and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Bob turns to his wife and asks, “Joanne, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Bob, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Joanne, did we pay our American Express card yet?”

“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Joanne. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, darling,” begs Joanne. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

Bob grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Joanne pulls away and asks, “What was that for?”

Bob answers, “They’ll find us!”

By the way, are y'all aware that women who carry a few extra pounds generally live longer than the men who mention it?

</PRE>

Pete · Dec 6, 2014

1. When I was born, I was given a choice: A big dick or a good memory...
I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
Many men still sleep with their wives!!

Keith1 · Dec 8, 2014

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A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh, she replies, . . . "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

Keith1 · Dec 12, 2014

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent
to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies
(gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc), the retiring colonel said,

"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man,
he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked,
one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity,
a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and
won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal
in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can
find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."

Pete · Dec 13, 2014

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol
Reminds me of a time in the mess when a few retired Colonels and a youngish Major were having a few ports after dinner. The senior colonel about 60 started telling a story about the most embarrassing time of his life when his mother caught him masturbating, after a few chortles and hurumphs among the cigar smoke the young Major said " I wouldn't worry to much about that Sir, we've all been guilty of that as lads".
The Cononel replied "quite true old bean but sadly this was yesterday ".

David Morton · Dec 13, 2014

It really is the joke of the year.

Veek · Dec 13, 2014

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as
fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy
bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider
and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug,
and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went
to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked
it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not very many people know this.

gtbob · Dec 13, 2014

Paddy joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

Larry L. · Dec 18, 2014

Yeah, I know, I know...this is faaaaar 'too tame' for many here, but, it's so darned cute I just hadta post it anyway! Besides, it just hit me funny for some reason!

Larry L. · Dec 18, 2014

...'may as well add this one:

IanAnderson · Dec 18, 2014

Larry
Nothing showing

Ian

Jokes anyone? -

Jack

Keith

Larry L.

David Lowe

Al Wohlstrom

Nick

Jack

Larry L.

Ian Anderson

Larry L.

Pete McCluskey.

Keith

Keith

Pete McCluskey.

David Morton

Pat

Robert May Eng.

Larry L.

Larry L.

Ian Anderson

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