Jokes anyone? -

[David Lowe]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ..."I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.

After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. . . "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says. . . "You'd better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

 

[Larry L.]

^^^ I did NOT see that coming! :laugh: :thumbsup:

 

[Keith]

I hate golf, but found this mildly amusing...

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud and almost feel like a hybrid.

 

[Robert May Eng.]

I have just deleted all German contacts from my mobile phone. its now Hans free.

Sorry Marcus, please dont shoot the messenger

Bob

 

[Keith]

Ah yes, I remember when Herr Schmidt discovered the laser. Curiously, all his sons were named Hans (vun, do, drei etc) unt zey vere wery instrumental in nailing the discovery, hence the expression "many Hans make light work."

 

[Ron Poast]

A young lady was married and went on her honeymoon. When she got back she was talking to her grandmother. Grandma, just how long do you have to put up with that kind of stuff? Grandma said, until you don't have a tooth left in your head. Well, at least you don't have to put up with it anymore Grandma. Grandma said, oh I've got a old snag back in here somewhere.

 

[Ron Poast]

All the nurses were snickering about a guy in the hospital because he had Shorty tattooed on his penis. When he was well he asked a young nurse to go on a date with him. She thought that would probably be safe. When she came to work the next morning she could hardly walk. The other nurses asked her what in the world happened? She said, remember that guy with the penis tattoo? When it got hard it said "Welcome to the world famous Shorty McGillacuttys Bar and Grill, Chattanooga Tennessee.

 

[Marcus]

I have just deleted all German contacts from my mobile phone. its now Hans free.

Sorry Marcus, please dont shoot the messenger

Bob

How could I...:laugh:

 

[Paul Brameld]

Just came across this in the bowels of my old work files so you may well have seen it before, so I apologize if you have.
Nonetheless it has some interesting phrases, still usable today!

Things to say when you're stressed at work!


1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!" (priceless)
3. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
4. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
6. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"
7. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
8. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"
10. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"
11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
13. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"
16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
21. "Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."
22. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
23. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
24. "Earth is full. Go home."
25. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
27. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
29. "If assholes could fly, this place would be a fuckin' airport.

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

[David Lowe]

Not sure if this has been posted before. Apologies if so.

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called:Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called:Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called:Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called:
Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife / husband any more. He / she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is calledension Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.
I have enough problems of my own!!

 

[Larry L.]

Conversation overheard in an Athens restaurant between a waitress and the establishment's owner:

"The spokesman for foursome at table 23 told me the group doesn't have the money to pay their full tab, and they asked if you might lower their bill somewhat and loan them the money to pay the remaining balance?"

 

[Larry L.]

deleted. double post. 'no idea how/why...

 

[Glenn M]

In a recent survey it was found that 25% of women had a mental disorder and were on medication.

That's appallingly scary! It means that 75% are not being treated!

 

[Ron Poast]

A woman at work didn't like a comment I had made.
She said, you would not be married to me very long.
I said your right, probably about 30 minutes.
She said, what do you mean by that?
I said, that is about how long it would take me to get you to the Mississippi
and get your cement shoes on.
My eye is not black now but it is still several shades of grey.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Donald Trumps hair leaves to seek a better life.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

deleted double post.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Forget Newton and Galileo - Here are the real Laws of nature:
••Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
•• Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
•• Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
•• Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
•• Supermarket Law- As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
•• Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
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••Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
•• Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
•• Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
••• Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
••• Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people are also very surly folk.
••• The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
••• Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
••• Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
••• Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
••• Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
••• Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
•••Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
••• Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
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Life gets tedious don’t it?

 

[Ron Poast]

A buddy of mine asked me, what can I do to make the girls look at me when I go to the beach? I said put a potato in your swim trunks. He came back and said, now all the girls do look but they just sneer. I seen the problem right away and I told him, you have to put the potato in the front.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called "Bomb Jovi".
Brilliant songs like “Losing my head over you”, “Rocket Launcher Man”
“You’re 6, You’re beautiful, and You’re Mine”
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on a DVD.
I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started . . . those bastards have no sense of humour!

 

[John]

Pete your a shocker thats classic.

kaspa