Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
Its a rebadged Marklin complete mit bundeswehr winken aus dem Fenster.
Das ist ein Verbotenwagen !
What can you expect of a nation that doesn't play cricket, Keith?
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Do you mean New Zealand ?
Like it.
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Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
An Oldie but a goodie.
A knight went off to fight in the Holy Crusades but before leaving he made his wife wear a chastity belt. After tightly securing it to her, he handed the key to his best friend with the instruction: "If I do not return within seven years, unlock my wife and set her free to lead a normal life."
The knight then rode off on the first leg of his journey to theHoly Land, but he had only travelled barely an hour when he was suddenly aware of the sound of pounding hooves behind him. He turned to see that it was his best friend.
"What is the problem?" asked the knight.
His best friend replied: "You gave me the wrong key."
A knight went off to fight in the Holy Crusades but before leaving he made his wife wear a chastity belt. After tightly securing it to her, he handed the key to his best friend with the instruction: "If I do not return within seven years, unlock my wife and set her free to lead a normal life."
The knight then rode off on the first leg of his journey to theHoly Land, but he had only travelled barely an hour when he was suddenly aware of the sound of pounding hooves behind him. He turned to see that it was his best friend.
"What is the problem?" asked the knight.
His best friend replied: "You gave me the wrong key."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a bloody mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my bloody pyjamas and can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
“Because he’s thinking of getting married..."
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a bloody mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my bloody pyjamas and can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
“Because he’s thinking of getting married..."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
<?xml:namespace prefix = "o" ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
She slams the door again.
That night when her husband gets home, she tells him what happened for the last two days.
<o
></o>
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off, to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."
<o></o>
The next morning, they hear a knock and both run for the door.
<o></o>
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
"Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where the bastard is going, with it."
<o></o>
She nods "yes," to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question...
"Do you have a vagina"?
"Yes, actually I have.” She says.
<o></o>
The man replies..
"Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
<?xml:namespace prefix = "o" ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
She slams the door again.
That night when her husband gets home, she tells him what happened for the last two days.
<o
></o>The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off, to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."
<o
></o>The next morning, they hear a knock and both run for the door.
<o
></o>The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
"Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where the bastard is going, with it."
<o
></o>She nods "yes," to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question...
"Do you have a vagina"?
"Yes, actually I have.” She says.
<o
></o>The man replies..
"Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"
Jenny Craig for Men
A Bloke calls the company and orders their 5 day – 5 kgs weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
The sign reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few kilometres later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kgs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5 day – 10 kgs programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 kgs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day – 25 kgs programme.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous programme.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 31 kgs that week. .. ..
A Bloke calls the company and orders their 5 day – 5 kgs weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
The sign reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few kilometres later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kgs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5 day – 10 kgs programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 kgs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day – 25 kgs programme.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous programme.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 31 kgs that week. .. ..
An old "Geezer" became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000".
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired:
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22, and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh !!?This is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't? That's gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak?I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story?Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer!"
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired:
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22, and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh !!?This is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't? That's gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak?I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story?Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer!"
Just how "true" this actually is I have NO idea...but, I'd like to believe it actually happened:
A ‘TRUE STORY ABOUT’ General McChrystal's resignation in Obama's office from General McChrystal's book! NEVER STAND IN LINE AGAIN
Some men carry and handle their diplomacy better than others. When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan, General McChrystal, was called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting him in his political role as President.
"It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied, and he handed Obama his resignation.
Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation, the President made a cheap parting shot.
"I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my grave."
The General saluted and said, "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again."
Amen...
A ‘TRUE STORY ABOUT’ General McChrystal's resignation in Obama's office from General McChrystal's book! NEVER STAND IN LINE AGAIN
Some men carry and handle their diplomacy better than others. When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan, General McChrystal, was called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting him in his political role as President.
"It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied, and he handed Obama his resignation.
Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation, the President made a cheap parting shot.
"I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my grave."
The General saluted and said, "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again."
Amen...
flatchat(Chris)
Supporter
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A checkout chick walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping....
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
The girl thought for a moment and said:
"No, no I didn't....... but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."..
A checkout chick walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping....
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
The girl thought for a moment and said:
"No, no I didn't....... but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."..
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.
He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."
"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
.
He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."
"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
.
As I age, I realize that:
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice.
Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud?
When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation!
The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!
I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!
Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.
I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree, which makes it a plant, which means it's salad....Almost.
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap and give me patience and give it to me NOW.
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice.
Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud?
When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation!
The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!
I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!
Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.
I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree, which makes it a plant, which means it's salad....Almost.
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap and give me patience and give it to me NOW.
