Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
David Lowe
Lifetime Supporter
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huv tae to come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Noo, dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huv tae to come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Noo, dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
unable to attach photo.
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
I give in. Keith can you sort it ?
Last edited:
I guess what Dave is trying to do, is show you an advertisment for a job he's thinking of applying for, but I will have to tell him that I have also applied! But, seeing as he is younger, I suppose he'll have the edge. I wonder if anyone else out there has also applied out of interest?
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
Thanks Keith.
I don't mind if it costs $100 /week.
ps - It's six weeks before my shoulder comes out of
the sling and can take any weight at all so I guess you'll
have to take my slot.
I don't mind if it costs $100 /week.
ps - It's six weeks before my shoulder comes out of
the sling and can take any weight at all so I guess you'll
have to take my slot.
Pete
Lifetime Supporter
Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield...Because he said ....
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
Chicago</st1
lace> last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
lace> last night.My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
Donald is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that ?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that ?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'
Pete
Lifetime Supporter
Pete
Lifetime Supporter
It was David's Joke he is the sick puppy.
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
It was sent to me by a friend who just ditched his first wife and got remarried to a Thai girl.
He is sticking to his story.
He is sticking to his story.
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this year only two banks will <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
be left operational ...... <o></o>
></o>
the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!<o></o>
></o>
And before you know it, these two will merge, <o></o>
></o>
and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers<o></o>
></o>
If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this year only two banks will <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-combe left operational ...... <o
the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!<o
And before you know it, these two will merge, <o
and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers<o
Should be a very successful operation with more deposits than withdrawals.......
