Jokes anyone? -

jimbo · Sep 12, 2010

Three elderly Jewish ladies walk into a restaurant in Miami and sit down for lunch. The waiter approaches them, and says:

"Hello ladies!! Is anything okay today?"

molleur · Sep 12, 2010

Cute Jim!

wbmusarra · Sep 12, 2010

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor...Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,

Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!

Pete · Sep 13, 2010

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ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;
all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug,
then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons!).
Then you have to drink the whole jug.
This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -
and here I am being kind -
like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser,
with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour,
state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.
I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?
This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.
You eliminate everything.
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty,
you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point,
as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and
start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
Not only was I worried about the procedure,
but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'
How do you apologise to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,
where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes
and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts,
the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this,
but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.
You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist.
I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden
around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.
I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure,
'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.
If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it.
One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,'
and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, a
nd that my colon had passed with flying colours.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.....
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

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David Morton · Sep 13, 2010

I am crying with laughter. So incredibly funny. Nice one Pete.

Pete · Sep 13, 2010

And if you have ever had one you know it is not too far fetched.:laugh:

Gravy · Sep 13, 2010

Pete said:
And if you have ever had one you know it is not too far fetched.:laugh:

I'll second that!

Brian Kissel · Sep 13, 2010

Policeman do care

Policemen Do Care!

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don’t care. Well, here is a story that shows not all of them are in that category.

The Joplin , Mo. Police Department reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the Spring River near the Empire Electric Plant. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Riverton , KS . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G string, purple lipstick, and an Obama t-shirt .

The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Police officers do care.

slowhand · Sep 14, 2010

Only a <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

ffice:smarttags" /><st1

lace w:st="on"><st1:State w:st="on">Texas</st1:State></st1

lace> man can make you feel like a woman.

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die,." Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from <st1

lace w:st="on"><st1:State w:st="on">Texas</st1:State></st1

lace> stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke...

"Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

Garry:thumbsup:<o

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>

Keith1 · Sep 14, 2010

Since the Pope Dude is visiting our shores soon and I have a major major down on negative people, I thought this little piece appropriate.

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oNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w

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ontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--> A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on the Tiber called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who f*cked up your hair?"

glarrivee · Sep 14, 2010

The Stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded
on a deserted island for over 10 years,
saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".
As the speck got closer and closer,
he began to rule out even the possibilities
of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure
clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba
tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the
wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said
to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've
had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a
waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her
wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of
cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long
drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway,
"that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great
a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a
drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked
the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right
sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask
and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink.
" 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman.
" 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly
unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the
middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,

"And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees
and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me
that you've got golf clubs in there too!

Gravy · Sep 15, 2010

Gary, that is funny... I like!

Pete · Sep 15, 2010

Subject: A homeless man's funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends,
so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral
guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of
the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know
what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've
never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,'
the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished
I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart
was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o

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>

IanAnderson · Sep 16, 2010

Golden Wonder has announced that for every multipack of NikNaks sold, 50% of
profits shall be donated to the Pakistan flood appeal. The aim is to provide
rain coats and temporary housing for the victims. The NikNak Paki Mac Give A Wog A Home scheme starts Monday.

marcus · Sep 16, 2010

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.
I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?
This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.
You eliminate everything.
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty,
you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point,
as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and
start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

...it had me rolling in tears.

Thanks for posting Pete!

Pete · Sep 20, 2010

Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Pete · Sep 20, 2010

5000 men were surveyed as to why they like blow-jobs..

1% liked the warmth.

2% liked the sensation.

3% liked the eroticism.

94% just liked the peace and quiet.

David Lowe · Sep 20, 2010

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled...
'For f*#k's sake ....... You should see the back of mine!!!'

David Morton · Sep 21, 2010

Suicide Bombers to go on strike!
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this October, from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.

David Morton · Sep 21, 2010

TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football match.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women

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Jokes anyone? -

Jim Rosenthal

Jack

Bill Musarra

Pete McCluskey.

David Morton

Pete McCluskey.

Graham

Brian Kissel

Garry

Keith

Gary

Graham

Pete McCluskey.

Ian Anderson

Marcus

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

David Lowe

David Morton

David Morton

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