Jokes anyone? -

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero.

I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose, that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs (which would be gay) "The Turban Cowboy" and the other being a topless bar "You Mecca Me Hot".

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and adjacent to that have an open barbeque pork rib restaurant, called something like “Iraq o’ Ribs”?
Across the street there could be a very daring lingerie store called Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge), its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store, maybe call it "Morehammered"?
 

Chris Kouba

Supporter
If you ever had a colonoscopy or are planning on one, you can't miss this one!!

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy....



Somewhere out there on the internet is another equally well-written and entertaining (and disturbing) saga of a gent who went through the entire pre-procedure prep, showing up for his appointment only to find that he was off by a week...

Sorry, I looked but couldn't find it.
 
A formerly affluent married couple had fallen on hard times and were discussing ways to economize.

"Dear," the wife said, "we don't live far from the train station. If you rode a bicycle to the train to work, we could sell your car and then we wouldn't have all those payments and insurance expenses."

"Excellent idea," said the husband. "And if you'll take it up the ass and let me blow a load in your face, we can fire the nanny, too."
 
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun op ens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees .....




Ees a ham bush....."
 

Glenn M

Supporter
Marriage is like a pack of cards. In the beginning you just need two hearts and a diamond. However at the end you're desperate for a club and a spade!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. So is monogamy!

Glenn
 
IRISH Alzheimer's



Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost passed out

when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I'm

so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you, Father. A while back,

I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that

McGlynn has a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every

Sunday. I also knew that he would have to take off his hat during Mass

and figured he'd leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to

leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal

McGlynn's hat, after all. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, Father, after I heard your sermon on the

Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a smile and said;

"After I spoke about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', ya decided you would

rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about

'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
 
There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, We will not hath a thermon tewday.'
 
A dog lover, whose poodle was a bitch and 'in heat,' agreed to look after and house her neighbor's male poodle while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," the vet replied.
 

David Lowe

Lifetime Supporter
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her........He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always mouthing off, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'
 
The Preacher says, "Anyone with needs to be prayed for, come forward to the front, at the altar!"

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays he prays for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"













Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday."
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
Supporter
Why do Sharks swim circles around you before attacking?


Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?

His wise father replied,

"Because they taste better without the shit inside!
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
Supporter
Politically Incorrect




Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
============================================
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma..
=============================================
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
=============================================
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
=============================================
I just saw my first Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?
=============================================
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
=============================================
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
=============================================
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"
 

Ian Anderson

Lifetime Supporter
Supporter
1. Top tip; if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex..... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

2. I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today... Apparently the instruction “finish off on her face” didn't mean what I thought it did

3. A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said “sorry about the wait” I said “don't worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually”

4. One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch butt... IN THE DARK...... but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?

5.Snow eh! The TV weather woman said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'

6. I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them... Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

7. Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best
 
Proofreading is a dying art













Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.





Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says


I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No kidding, really? Ya think?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something here!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they ever tall!
**************************************************************

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
**************************************************************







Garry:shocked:​
 
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Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot
Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required
ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating
from
Princeton , she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where her daughter attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Medical School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .

Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Ben, a biker. They run a tropical bird park in California and
grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel
blurts out that her husband, in all honesty, is a cashier at Walmart. They
live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a
nearby storage facility.

Clare, chastised and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live
in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Samantha says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.



Garry
 

David Morton

Lifetime Supporter
The Old Flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that magic?

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
"Anyway", she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.
 

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
I have a platonic relationship with my secretary.


It's play for her and a tonic for me.


"Have you anything to say for yourself"? asked the Judge.
"Fuck all", said the bloke in the dock.
"what did your client say"? Asked the Judge.
The Barrister approached the bench and whispered, "he said fuck all your Worship".
"Odd ' said the Judge, 'I was sure I saw his lips move.'
 
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