Garage Commandments:

Apologies if the below has been posted before, and hopefully within the spirit of this forum section.

Cheers

Fred W B


May God Bless our garages and contents therein, as well as our goods works we doith in said garages!

Womans Commandments:
The garage shall be forever kept as the sacred realm of the Man. No lacy curtains nor gingham privacy panels shall be allowed on the windows of the sacred garage.
The garage shall not be cleaned, except in cases of extreme need, such as when a pair of holy Vise-Grip locking pliers hath gone missing.
Sawdust, grease, and oil are the holy sacraments of the garage, and thus must never be disposed of in haste or with malice.
Honor thy rags.
Complaineth not when the Man's Friends cometh over to work on a vehicle on a Thursday night until 2:00 a.m. Be thee grateful that the Man and his Friends are not attending stimulating performances of voluptuous harlots at Shotgun Willies on this evening.
Thou shalt not remove the beer bottles from the front yard before work in the garage hath yet been completed. Yea, the front yard must be considered an extension of the garage when the garage door remaineth in an uprighl position.
Honor the Man and his Friends at all times, even when one of these Friends dropeth a heavy steel wheel in the driveway at 12:30 a.m., awakening thyself and wrathful neighbors who calleth to complain.
Storeth not antique doll houses in the garage.
Thou shalt not ask the Man to bring in the groceries when you see that his hands are greasy, or that he is underneath a car working on the evil U-joint.
Adjust not the volume of music that playeth in the garage. Impose not your questionable music tastes on those who savor the druidic chant of Rage Against The Machine at 11 p.m.
Borroweth not the hammer of the Man which hangeth in position on the blessed pegboard. If thou breakest this commandment, at least have the courtesy to place the hammer back in correct position on the blessed pegboard. No, putting it on the workbench isn't good enough---how wouldst the man know to looketh there?
Tools of the garage shouldst remain in the garage at all times, excepting when the Man shall use them for home repair, in which case the sacred tools must remain wherever the Man leaves them, verily including even the kitchen counter and the hallway.
Leaveth not the tools of the Man on the back porch, lest they become rusty from rain.
Loaneth not the tools of the Man to your dodgy work friends who hath not earned tools of their own.
Pulleth not your car into the garage whilst a repair doth transpire in the other bay. The space is needed for many great deliberations and ritual beer drinking. Considereth any precipitation removal that may be required from your vehicle the next morning as a small penance to pay in comparison to the bloody knuckles, hangover, and bodily suffering borne by the Man.
Covet not the eleven Phillips head screwdrivers on the Man's pegboard, and cast not thy insults on the Man's need for additional screwdrivers in the future. Each screwdriver serves a unique, substitution-impossible purpose.
Thou shalt not remove the multitude of straightened, oddly-formed, spray-paint-encrusted coat hangers dangling from the garage ceiling. Resist the temptation to dispose of these humble tools, and your rewards shall include a freshly painted iron planter---as soon as the Man finishes working on his bike, car or four-wheel-drive vehicle, of course.
Respect the large piece of cardboard against the garage wall. The Man useth it to lay on when he is under the car. Touch it not, lest lightning strike thee dead.

Mens garage commandments

Maintaineth a minimum of six retracting tape measures, or findeth not one when needed.
Obayeth the Flat Surface Rule. Always put down the tool you are using on the nearest flat surface. Then look for it elsewhere---stopeth for a beer when discouraged.
I sayeth to you: No sweeter sound ever shall be heard than thy own air impact wrench in thy own garage.
Blessed be thy neighbor who bringeth beer when in need of all mighty tool.
Let not thunder nor rain nor snow interrupt thy work except for thy loss of power.
Bless thy latest part and let it worketh and not be cause for casting blasphemy as thy parts wench shall surely have retired for the night.
Give man patience to not kill thy child that borroweth thy tool and not returneth within thy year.
Bless thee wench that stocketh thy beer fridge without being asketh.
 
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Does anyone know where to find the list of tools and their purposes that read something like this:

Drill Press: an electrically powered device employed for the purpose of rapidly flinging a small sharp square of metal through the air, impaling it into the nearest upholstered surface...

ETc etc I remember reading something like this a few years back, which the Garage Commandments reminded me of...
 
Does anyone know where to find the list of tools and their purposes that read something like this:

Drill Press: an electrically powered device employed for the purpose of rapidly flinging a small sharp square of metal through the air, impaling it into the nearest upholstered surface...

ETc etc I remember reading something like this a few years back, which the Garage Commandments reminded me of...
Peter Egan, ROAD & TRACK:

Automotive: The Right Tool for the Job
These hilarious automotive tool definitions have been floating around on the Internet for some time now with no credit to the author. Sensitive to such things because people have plagiarized and out-and-out stolen stuff that I've written, I decided to track down the author. Much to my surprise and pleasure, it was none other than Peter Egan, one of my all-time favorite automotive writers. This piece originally appeared in Road & Track, April 1996 in Peter's column, Side Glances. The original column has a half-page introduction and some additional definitions, so I recommend you try to obtain that issue of R&T. It was also reprinted in the book, Side Glances, Vol. 2, 1992-1997 by Peter Egan, published by Brooklands Books Ltd., a wonderfuil collection of 66 or Peter's columns.
Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetelene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell

Zippo Lighter: See oxyacetelene torch.

Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw.

Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

Grease Gun: A messy tool for checking to see if your zerk fittings are still plugged with rust.




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That's it....I suspect there are others out there as well. How well I know these, having made most of these mistakes over the years.

There's a marine dictionary as well, I think; one of the definitions is the following:

Drill bit: a tool for drilling holes, or for seeing if there is still water under your boat while it is floating at its dock...
 
Mark and Fred-
I had a really bad day today until I came across this thread. I'm actually wiping tears of laughter from my eyes. Thanks for taking the time to research and post these.
John
 
There is a good one for the Haynes manuals floating around somewhere, I'll have a butchers......

FOUND IT!!

This deserves a post on its own ;)
 
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The true meanings of those well known Haynes manual phrases.

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "@*&'#*" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
 
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