Jokes anyone? -

Our local Zoo got a new Female Gorilla. Shortly after her arrival, she came into heat and became very difficult to handle. The Zoo keepers searched in vain for a male to satisy her but could not find any available. They decided to ask Pete, the cage cleaner, if he could help them out.
" Pete, would you be interested in making love to that Gorilla for $500.00"? Pete thought about it but said he would have to sleep on it and would give them an answer in the morning.
The following day Pete arrived and announced that he decided to do it but only if three conditions could be met. The Zoo keeper asked what they were.
"First, I'm not going to kiss her" The Zoo keeper agreed.
"Second, If there are any children, I will not be held responsible" Once again, the Zoo keeper aggreed.
"Third, Your going to have to give me at least two weeks to come up with the $500.00.

 

[Bill Bayard]

A black woman is walking by the gorilla cage at the zoo, when a big male gorilla reaches through the bars, grabs her, and snatches her inside the cage. After shagging her half to death, he tosses her onto the sidewalk.

A week later, she describes the incident to her friend, who replies in horror, "My God! Were you hurt?"

The woman says, "It's been a week, and that sucka hasn't sent no card, no flowers. Hell yeah, I'm hurt!"

 

[David Morton]

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Airport noticed a reallybeautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she workfor?"
Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and utteredthe Delta slogan:
"Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought tohimself:
"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into hishead.
He leaned towards her again,
"Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself,and scratched Singapore Airlines off thelist
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan:
"Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him,
"What the f *** do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said

"Ahhhhh, Air France".
​

 

[Peter Delaney]

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother. "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut" Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?" Sally replied, "No...salty!"

 

[Peter Delaney]

US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat in the crowded train. The only seat left was beside a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman whose poodle was sitting on it.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the length of the train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "You Americans are rude and , you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the
fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the
road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole

 

[Dalton Veitch]

Hey, they are really great, Pete. Now if only I could work out what neologism meant! Must be the bozone affecting me..

Dalton

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Hey, they are really great, Pete. Now if only I could work out what neologism meant! Must be the bozone affecting me..

Dalton

It means creating a new meaning for a word.
For instance "Mouse" years ago only referred to a Furry little rodent.
And "beaver" referred to the furry little animal with a flat tail that builds dams in creeks.

 

[Bill Bayard]

Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine." ", the lawyer asked?

Boudreaux responded, "Mais, Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . . ."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud."

"Please tell him to answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move att all. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over to her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes."

Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?..............'



Now what da hell would you say?"

 

[Danimal W]

Smart Italian

An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for
two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security
for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian
produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees
to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this
Transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"


The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

 

[Jeremy]

Religion Again
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I could make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slaps her

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A Touching Story of Love and Marriage

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up
the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table was literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral!!!"

 

[Peter Delaney]

'THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH'............................
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'
£ 124,237.64. pounds'
The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!
What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined PowerCat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki'.
The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend and I said.........
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.' !

 

[Bill Musarra]

The Italian Lover, virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen, named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he proceeded to rattle her senseless with his sexual abilities.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling sex resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian"

 

[Bill Musarra]

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no
warning.

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?", he asked the second man.
"Hmmm...let me see "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is
the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The
blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of".

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing
the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh sure", said BUBBA. "You see, the
other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants."

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a
Wal-Mart near you!

 

[Peter Delaney]

NOAH - A RING OF TRUTH HERE.


In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in

NSW[Australia

>>>"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I

see The end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of

every living thing along with a few good humans."

>>>He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build

theArk before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40

nights."





Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his

yard - but no Ark.

Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Arc

> "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed

abuilding permit from the local council. I've been arguing with the

NSW WorkCover about the need for an on-site toilet. My neighbours

claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building

the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to

go to the Land and Environment Court for a decision.



"Then the Roads and Traffic Authority demanded a bond be posted for

the future costs of damaged kerbs, moving power lines, and other

overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to

thesea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would

hear nothing of it.







"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting

localtrees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the

environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no

go!







"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued

me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel

and Inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.





"Then the Department of Environment and Conservation (or whatever

they're called this day of the week) ruled that I couldn't build



the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your

proposedflood.



"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human RightsCommission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my

buildingcrew.



The Department of Immigration is checking the working visa status

of

most of the people who want to work.



The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to

hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make

matters

worse, the ATO seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to leave

the

country illegally with endangered species.



So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me

to

finish this Ark."



Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow

stretched across the sky.



Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to

destroy the world?"



"No," said the Lord.



"The NSW State Government has beat me to it."

 

[Danimal W]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard
and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said, "You have done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday
night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he
did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt" He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes
into town again, you're fired!"

 

[JimmyMac]

Interesting fishing joke site.


Google Image Result for http://www.mdranglers.com/Pictures/2bass.jpg

 

[Mike]

Here's one for all the 'professional pilots )
Don't know if the caption is copied. If not, it says:

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR DOG WAS A PILOT IN HIS FORMER LIFE....

David, comment???

 

[Peter Delaney]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart
>with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
>entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome
>to Wal-Mart.
>Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
>The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
>"Hell no they ain't." "The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7.
>Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
>stupid?"
>"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just
>couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for
>shopping at Wal-Mart".