Dimi Terleckyj
Lifetime Supporter
Pete
Even an apology wont cover that lot.
Dimi
Even an apology wont cover that lot.
Dimi
Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Favorite Joke: "The Retired Postman"
After thirty years of delivering the mail, our postman made his last delivery to the Smiths.
Mrs. Smith met him at the door and asked him in.
Upon entering, Mrs Smith took him up stairs and proceeded to take very good care of him.
After they were finished making love, Mrs Smith said gave him a envelope with a dollar bill in it and said, " When you get dressed, come on down and I will fix you breakfast."
As the postman entered the kitchen he stated " Mrs Smith, I just don't get it. I've been deliveing mail to you for thirty years and you never acked like you knew me."
Mrs Smith replied. "I told my husband that you were about to retire and that it would be nice to do something for you. He told me screw (f___K) him, give him a buck- breakfast was my idea!
topolino2
1948 MG TC
1932 Ford Roadster
1932 Ford Pick-up
1948 Fiat Topolino B
After thirty years of delivering the mail, our postman made his last delivery to the Smiths.
Mrs. Smith met him at the door and asked him in.
Upon entering, Mrs Smith took him up stairs and proceeded to take very good care of him.
After they were finished making love, Mrs Smith said gave him a envelope with a dollar bill in it and said, " When you get dressed, come on down and I will fix you breakfast."
As the postman entered the kitchen he stated " Mrs Smith, I just don't get it. I've been deliveing mail to you for thirty years and you never acked like you knew me."
Mrs Smith replied. "I told my husband that you were about to retire and that it would be nice to do something for you. He told me screw (f___K) him, give him a buck- breakfast was my idea!
topolino2
1948 MG TC
1932 Ford Roadster
1932 Ford Pick-up
1948 Fiat Topolino B
Last edited:
Peter Delaney
GT40s Supporter
The 1st Affair
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified
at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'Not this time!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said, ' pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,
'the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, ' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied,
' now just rest
and let the poison work.'
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified
at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'Not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery..
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said, ' pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,
'the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, ' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied,
' now just rest
and let the poison work.'
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
All absolutely brilliant.rockonsmile
epper:
epper:
Subject: Potentially and Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your
mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you
kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep
with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a
million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back
to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million
dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your
mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you
kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep
with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a
million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back
to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million
dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the
clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there
before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed
into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying
here on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued
climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner,
cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On
another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so
bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and
sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed
woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He
climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the
ladder ends, and a latch closes behind
him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy
with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there
before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed
into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying
here on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued
climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner,
cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On
another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so
bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and
sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed
woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He
climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the
ladder ends, and a latch closes behind
him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy
with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Paolo and Wanni, here is one for you.
Greece v Italy:
A Greek and an Italian were sitting one day, debating who had
the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon".
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum".
The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians"
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire".
And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up
and says... "We invented sex".
The Italian nods slowly , thinks, then replies,
" That is true. But it was Italians who introduced it to
women
Greece v Italy:
A Greek and an Italian were sitting one day, debating who had
the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon".
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum".
The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians"
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire".
And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up
and says... "We invented sex".
The Italian nods slowly , thinks, then replies,
" That is true. But it was Italians who introduced it to
women
from 1946: (Italy had 45 milions people at the time)
How many citizens has italy?
90 milions !!!!!!
45 milions of fascist before.....and 45 milions of anti-fascist after war..
How many citizens has italy?
90 milions !!!!!!
45 milions of fascist before.....and 45 milions of anti-fascist after war..
Peter Delaney
GT40s Supporter
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar, and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, So the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar, and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, So the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
While the Cat's Away
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb
blonde joke?"!!!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it
is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,
5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in
karate and a very bad attitude!
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says;
"Naaaah.............. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb
blonde joke?"!!!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it
is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,
5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in
karate and a very bad attitude!
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says;
"Naaaah.............. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the first bat, " Because I bloody didn't."
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the first bat, " Because I bloody didn't."
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them:
"It'sa illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro"
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly.
Look at ze papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily: "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over.I vant to zpeak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno".
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them:
"It'sa illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro"
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly.
Look at ze papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily: "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over.I vant to zpeak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno".
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
:lol::lol::lol::lol:Excellent Marcus.
May not be defined as proper jokes but they made me smile.....
This puts your own bad day into perspective!!!! I like the last one......
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A post mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries.
Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest.
The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear.
The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door.
She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet. After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming.
Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.
The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself.
She told them. They started laughing so hard one slipped, the stretcher falling and dumping the husband out.
He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
This puts your own bad day into perspective!!!! I like the last one......
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A post mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries.
Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest.
The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear.
The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door.
She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet. After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming.
Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.
The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself.
She told them. They started laughing so hard one slipped, the stretcher falling and dumping the husband out.
He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
Dimi Terleckyj
Lifetime Supporter
