Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

The Light turned yellow


The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

[flatchat(Chris)]

This is the guy to run our country -- aye Pete

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel
This strong urge to grab and squeeze you,
Because I can't forget what happened last night.
You came to me so unexpectedly during the calm
And balmy night, and what happened in my bed
Still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from no where and shamelessly
And without any reservations, lay on my naked
Body. So voluptuously you applied your hungry
Mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation,
And you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched
For you in vain, and only the sheets bore witness
To last night's events. My body still bears faint
Marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making
It all the more difficult for me to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you......


Bloody Mosquito

 

[Garry]

Cowboy: "GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE."

Cashier: "DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?"

Cowboy: "NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!"

Garry

 

[Ian Anderson]

Remember that satellite that recently was gonna drop a 300# chunk ..... somewhere - maybe Canada, maybe India, maybe Washington State .... but it was gonna fall "somewhere"? And, there was "only a 1/3200 chance" that it would injure somebody?

Then, NASA announced that it fallen to earth, but they didn't know where?

Well, here's the answer



NASA satellite falls on car. [VIDEO]


ps No politicians were hurt in the posting of this message!

 

This is a simple concept that I have been working on for most of my life.

I am delighted to say that I believe I have refined it sufficiently to share it with a select band of friends that may appreciate its elegance and simplicity.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets the new teeth his sermon only lasted for 8 minutes. The following Sunday, his speech at church lasted for 10 minutes. The following Sunday, his speech lasted for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they all asked him what had happened.
The Pastor explained that the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldnt talk for more than 8 minutes, on the second Sunday, his gums wer still hurting and so he could only talk for 10 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he put his wifes dentures in by mistake and he couldnt shut up......

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Amarula - YouTube

 

[Mark]

a pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first sunday after he gets the new teeth his sermon only lasted for 8 minutes. The following sunday, his speech at church lasted for 10 minutes. The following sunday, his speech lasted for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they all asked him what had happened.
The pastor explained that the first sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldnt talk for more than 8 minutes, on the second sunday, his gums wer still hurting and so he could only talk for 10 minutes. But, on the third sunday, he put his wifes dentures in by mistake and he couldnt shut up......

hahahahah

 

[Bob Fechter]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,


Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.



As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....

 

[Mark]

..

 

[Nick]

Cinema Stunt by Carlsberg | THEINSPIRATION.COM l THIS IS WH

 

[Darren]

"Although I applied the brakes as quickly as I could, I was unable to avoid hitting the car in front. As I sat there, still shocked at the impact, a stunning blond climbed from the drivers seat of the car I'd hit. She strode toward me yelling " Ram me up the arse, why don't ya". And that, I believe, is where the confusion started, your Honour"

Darren

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Good news for insomniacs, only 2 more sleeps until Christmas

 

[Nick]

This should not be funny but it is.

Clarke and Dawe - European Debt Crisis - YouTube

 

[John]

a very clever Kiwi who's previous alter ego Fred Dagg is equaly as funny.

cheers John

 

[Nick]

John,

Thank you so much I had never heard of him just did a search on you tube the guy is a genius. Can't help but post another one.

John Clarke on BP oil Spill FUNNY - YouTube

 

[Mark]

Brilliant. My whole office is in stiches. There goes my personal economy!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Let's test the way you think.


Thepenisinhermouth.


Did you read The pen is in her mouth?

Nah neither did I.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided
to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to
apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment - convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety-five church tower steps,
and when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure,
drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,







( scroll down )


' ................ BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'


WAIT! WAIT! There's more ....

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due
to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued
his interviews for the new bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.

I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but..


(. . . Wait for it ...)











... HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER