Jim,
That's not what you said last night!!!:shocked::shocked:
Bill
That's not what you said last night!!!:shocked::shocked:
Bill
Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Jim,
Another well known one you may like
"Like being savaged by a dead sheep"
Origin
This was said by combative UK Labour politician Dennis Healey on being criticized by the mild mannered Tory minister Geoffrey Howe in the UK House of Commons in June 1978.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Former Australian Prime Minister Sir Robert Menzies said of the leader of the opposition "the Honourable member has the brains of a sheep". After the uproar had died down Menzies was told to withdraw by the Speaker. Menzies said
" I apologise Mr Speaker the Honourable Member doesn't have the brains of a sheep".
" I apologise Mr Speaker the Honourable Member doesn't have the brains of a sheep".
Very good
I don't condone violence, but then again you shouldn't throw eggs at a deputy prime Minister. Even when he does deserve it.
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XTiI1e-wVc]Prescott Egged Bad! - YouTube[/ame]
I was always horrified Nick, by the way MrPrescott's actions were defended and universally appluaded. Another example of how badly I seem to be isolated by my opinions.
I am not interested a man's right to self-defence in a case like this. I really would prefer to be governed by people that are better than the rest of us. Did Mrs. Thatcher ever hit anyone who threw an egg at her? Even more so, on camera?
Mr Prescott is a thug, who's inteligence only extends far enough to have spotted and exploit a way to make money for himself and secure position. One step up from the Monkey who is clever enough to hide his nuts!
I am not interested a man's right to self-defence in a case like this. I really would prefer to be governed by people that are better than the rest of us. Did Mrs. Thatcher ever hit anyone who threw an egg at her? Even more so, on camera?
Mr Prescott is a thug, who's inteligence only extends far enough to have spotted and exploit a way to make money for himself and secure position. One step up from the Monkey who is clever enough to hide his nuts!
I dunno, I think I would have probably done the same to be fair, but there again, I could never have lied my way to any Govt cabinet, never mind that shower.
Prescott was (is) a diehard champagne socialist on the grand scale akin to Arthur Scargill (who I see is fighting to keep his Pimlico flat for life from the NUM @ £35K pa). Prescott's most favourite restaurant in Scunthorpe I think it is, is a standard type Chinese Restaurant he eats in all the time, and whereas their food is relatively affordable, apparently the wine and champagne list tops The Ivy!
"The Working Class can Kiss my Ass"
Prescott was (is) a diehard champagne socialist on the grand scale akin to Arthur Scargill (who I see is fighting to keep his Pimlico flat for life from the NUM @ £35K pa). Prescott's most favourite restaurant in Scunthorpe I think it is, is a standard type Chinese Restaurant he eats in all the time, and whereas their food is relatively affordable, apparently the wine and champagne list tops The Ivy!
"The Working Class can Kiss my Ass"
I don't say things like this very often, but the man is SCUM. His style of Politics is despicable and people who would vote for such a fake, quite frankly should have their rights to vote revoked through their clearly having a mental deficiency significant enough to require them being sectioned.
Apologies for the Prescott post, on reflection I got that one wrong, back to something that is funny, I hope
So which one do you read? The San Francisco Chronicle sounds the best to me :lipsrsealed:
A Guide to U.S. Newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores
So which one do you read? The San Francisco Chronicle sounds the best to me :lipsrsealed:
A Guide to U.S. Newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores
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The Banker.....
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k04p0hoTi-c"]City Slicker | Banker Wanker | Bunch of Plebs - YouTube[/ame]
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k04p0hoTi-c"]City Slicker | Banker Wanker | Bunch of Plebs - YouTube[/ame]
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
For some reason, this post reminds of of the vintage description I once saw of Baltimore, MD: (I don't know who made this up and given what it says, I don't think anyone's stepping forward anytime soon)
A city owned by the Jews and run by the Catholics for the benefit of the Polish...... or something like that.
As far as newspapers go, you left out:
The Chicago Sun-Times, whose readers are just figuring out that they are part of a country...
Any Texas newspaper, whose entertainment section only comments on NASCAR and music only if it's country....
Any Alaska newspaper, who feel they are an international news source because they can see Russia.....
A city owned by the Jews and run by the Catholics for the benefit of the Polish...... or something like that.
As far as newspapers go, you left out:
The Chicago Sun-Times, whose readers are just figuring out that they are part of a country...
Any Texas newspaper, whose entertainment section only comments on NASCAR and music only if it's country....
Any Alaska newspaper, who feel they are an international news source because they can see Russia.....
Horatio Nelson is standing on the rear deck of his ship surveying his fleet on the high seas.
First Mate Hardy addresses Nelson and says "Admiral, 10 french war ships have been spotted on the horizon." Admiral Nelson says "Hardy, go down below and bring me my red tunic. If I'm struck I don't want them to see me bleed." Hardy goes below and gets his tunic and gets an update from the crow's nest lookout on the way back. Hardy says "Admiral Nelson, we have an updated report, there's actually 100 french war ships on the horizon." Admiral Nelson says "Hardy, go down below and get my brown pants."
First Mate Hardy addresses Nelson and says "Admiral, 10 french war ships have been spotted on the horizon." Admiral Nelson says "Hardy, go down below and bring me my red tunic. If I'm struck I don't want them to see me bleed." Hardy goes below and gets his tunic and gets an update from the crow's nest lookout on the way back. Hardy says "Admiral Nelson, we have an updated report, there's actually 100 french war ships on the horizon." Admiral Nelson says "Hardy, go down below and get my brown pants."
Thats a shame, its the funniest thing I've seen in a while...even just listening is funny!
I do enjoy English humour:laugh:
That Sir, is a massive miss-quotation and a slur on our beloved Nelson. The Brown Pants refers to the French at Waterloo. The mere suggestion that Nelson of all people was shit scared of anything is outrageous.
It's like me suggesting that the Alamo was full of Cowards.
Not only that but Hardy was the Captain, a top flight 4 ringer, and an ancestor of mine.
I think Mr Beer2 should be made to Kiss The Gunner's Daughter without delay, although he may well enjoy that.
Actually, that Nelson slur is on a par with calling Benedict Arnold a Great American Patriot - which he was of course..
:evil:
I think Mr Beer2 should be made to Kiss The Gunner's Daughter without delay, although he may well enjoy that.
Actually, that Nelson slur is on a par with calling Benedict Arnold a Great American Patriot - which he was of course..
:evil:
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
THESE REALLY WORK!!
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
THOUGHT for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
THOUGHT for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious...
Here she is –- in the middle of dealing with this Libyan mess -- now this has happened to her!
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"You bastard! How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this ! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault !............Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper:
“Who’s speaking?”
She is furious...
Here she is –- in the middle of dealing with this Libyan mess -- now this has happened to her!
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"You bastard! How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this ! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault !............Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper:
“Who’s speaking?”
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Ah, yes, our former HMFIC who can't keep either his mouth or his trousers zipped...... very entertaining.