Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
How's your termite inspection going?
:laugh:
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Groan again.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a great place to be today."
Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters the plane, and to the guy's delight, sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight, with the Pope sitting next to me. The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.
The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that His Holiness is tapping his pencil, thinking.
After a little while of pencil tapping, the Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
"Anything Your Holiness.. What is it?"
"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"
"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a great place to be today."
Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters the plane, and to the guy's delight, sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight, with the Pope sitting next to me. The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.
The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that His Holiness is tapping his pencil, thinking.
After a little while of pencil tapping, the Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
"Anything Your Holiness.. What is it?"
"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
So the Pope lands in NYC in his private Vatican jet, and before he deplanes, they unload his armored Mercedes limo with the dark windows and his chauffeur, and the chauffeur warms up the limo on the runway, and waits for the Pope to get in. But the Pope doesn't get in. Instead he walks up to the drivers' side window, and when the chauffeur rolls it down, he tells the chauffeur to get inside, where the Pope usually sits, because the Pope wants to drive the limo.
The chauffeur is really upset, because he doesn't know if the Pope even knows how to drive, but an order is an order, so very reluctantly the chauffeur gets inside the back of the limo, and the Pope gets in, cranks the wheel around, and peels out of the airport and in no time at all he's flying down the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway in the limo, doing a hundred, having the time of his life. And as he goes past an underpass, a New York motorcycle cop named Danny, who happens to be Irish, pulls out behind him, sirens and lights on, chasing him.
It takes Danny a while to catch the Pope, who is driving like a crazy man, and when he finally does, he rides up next to the drivers' window with the siren going, and waves the Pope's limo over to the shoulder. The Pope rolls down the window- they look at each other, and the Pope doesn't say a word. Neither does Danny. Danny walks back to his police motorcycle and calls his sergeant.
"Sarge, this is Danny, I got a problem on the BQE"
"Yeah? What kind of problem?"
"I just stopped a celebrity, speeding in a limo. I don't know who it is, in the limo"
"Whaddya mean, you don't know who it is? Is it someone really big?"
"Yeah, kinda big, Sarge..."
"Well, who is it, and HOW big?"
Danny thinks a minute.
"Sarge- I don't know who's in the back of the limo... but, Sarge, I think Jesus Christ himself might be in the back of the limo....., I mean, who else would have the Pope as his chauffeur?"
The chauffeur is really upset, because he doesn't know if the Pope even knows how to drive, but an order is an order, so very reluctantly the chauffeur gets inside the back of the limo, and the Pope gets in, cranks the wheel around, and peels out of the airport and in no time at all he's flying down the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway in the limo, doing a hundred, having the time of his life. And as he goes past an underpass, a New York motorcycle cop named Danny, who happens to be Irish, pulls out behind him, sirens and lights on, chasing him.
It takes Danny a while to catch the Pope, who is driving like a crazy man, and when he finally does, he rides up next to the drivers' window with the siren going, and waves the Pope's limo over to the shoulder. The Pope rolls down the window- they look at each other, and the Pope doesn't say a word. Neither does Danny. Danny walks back to his police motorcycle and calls his sergeant.
"Sarge, this is Danny, I got a problem on the BQE"
"Yeah? What kind of problem?"
"I just stopped a celebrity, speeding in a limo. I don't know who it is, in the limo"
"Whaddya mean, you don't know who it is? Is it someone really big?"
"Yeah, kinda big, Sarge..."
"Well, who is it, and HOW big?"
Danny thinks a minute.
"Sarge- I don't know who's in the back of the limo... but, Sarge, I think Jesus Christ himself might be in the back of the limo....., I mean, who else would have the Pope as his chauffeur?"
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
If you're name is Earl and you get an OBE
Are you then known as Earlobe?
Are you then known as Earlobe?
Pat
Supporter
SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was
that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be
proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then
pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's
back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I
catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over
again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.”
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was
that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be
proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then
pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's
back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I
catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over
again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.”
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
At some point in a guy's life . . . it comes down to this
Four guys have been going to the same fishingtrip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Damn Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!
Four guys have been going to the same fishingtrip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Damn Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
What's funnier Pete, your joke, or the fact that it could be me in the story?!
It doesn't matter - it's so much better than the political bickering that takes place!
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
Ian,
I'd like to be associated with your comments.
It's now just all total dross. So many people have 'disappeared' from what was a really vibrant website
until these three turkeys got started.
Dave
I'd like to be associated with your comments.
It's now just all total dross. So many people have 'disappeared' from what was a really vibrant website
until these three turkeys got started.
Dave
Charlie Farley
Supporter
David,
If the rant factor diminished, even i might be tempted to post once in a while.
Of course, we could just use guerilla tactics...
Hijack the political threads and post car related pics and drift...
Any takers ?
The joke thread is about the only thread in The Paddock i bother with now..
sad isn't it..
If the rant factor diminished, even i might be tempted to post once in a while.
Of course, we could just use guerilla tactics...
Hijack the political threads and post car related pics and drift...
Any takers ?
The joke thread is about the only thread in The Paddock i bother with now..
sad isn't it..
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
And it still is, by my count there are 29 catogories in the forum exclusively car related and only one, the paddock, which is not.
I agree the political stuff is boring, but in case you didn't notice there has been a presidential election going on.
Now that it is over hopefully the political sniping will calm down.
And of course like your T.V. If you don't like a channel you can turn it off.
If you don't like a thread don't read it.
Now back to the jokes.
Me too. Cut the bastards off.
