Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

Wife says to husband, "You only ever want sex when you're drunk!"
Husband says, "That's not true; sometimes, I want a kebab."



I bought the wife a memory stick; it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.


Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement. It was a mortar attack.

A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan.
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Newcastle."
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!"

My sexy Japanese neighbour told me that she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised that she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.
He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.

 

[flatchat(Chris)]

In hindsight !!
I should probably have written on Facebook, "I've blown the head gasket on my Ford XR3",
rather than---
"I've just fucked a fourteen year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side of it, and they've confiscated my laptop.

However, the news isn't all that bad as the wife has gone to stay with her mother........

 

[Keith]

Well, at least she didn't go to stay with Jimmy Savile - that would have been a buggar...to say the least... :shifty:

Pete mate. Like the Islamb..

 

[Keith]

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement. It was a mortar attack.

I am not a particular fan of the Irish, but I do drink with one or two. They are quite smart, not at all like Pete-mate depicts them above. If we let him get away with it now, he'll soon be telling us about the Irish Water Skier who spent his life looking for a sloping lake, and stuff like that.

So, to redress the balance....

Here's the copy of an actual complaint letter from a Patrick Finnegan to the Irish Railway Company which I think is brilliant.



Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

 

[Charlie Farley]

If this wasn't true, this would be a joke..

One real crazy Englishmen..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Churchill

 

[Nick]

Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

Keith,

Thanks for Patrick Finnegan :laugh: I like him and I don't even know him!!!

 

[Keith]

Re: If this wasn't true, this would be a joke..

One real crazy Englishmen..

Jack Churchill - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

What an extraordinary man!

 

[Glenn M]

Jeremy Beadle lives on!

Real water bed - YouTube

Glenn

 

[Keith]

It's not Tennyson, but it made I laugh...

"Fifty Shades of Grey .....Hair"


The missus bought a

Paperback down Mumbles,

Saturday,

I had a look in to her bag;

T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".



Well I just left her to it,

At ten I went to bed.

And, one hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...



In her left hand, she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.



Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Doris hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty eight next week.



Watching Doris bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

Things they went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!



She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and.

Said...That I must dominate her!!



Now if you knew our Doris,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I''d spent two months in traction

From our last mad sex, I muttered.



She stood there nude, all naked like;

Bent forward just a bit ..

So I thought what the hell,

Stepped forward,

but stood on her left tit!



Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!



Well readers, I can't tell no more;

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say, my jet black hair,..

Turned "fifty shades of Grey".

 

[Marcus]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXQShfw0EKg]The Best of Ricky Gervais at The Golden Globes (2010-2012) - YouTube[/ame]

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

So this old couple, ex-military guy and his wife, are celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary, and they go out for dinner, nice bottle of wine, etc, and cuddle on the way home in the taxi, and she begins to think she might get some action once they get home.... no such luck. They come in the door, and he plops down in his chair in front of the TV and begins clicking through the channels with the remote. She snuggles up to him. He's clearly not interested. Hmmm, she thinks....

She goes upstairs and undresses, puts on a thin negligee, and comes back down and drapes herself over the TV set, and says, "honey, do you remember when we were first married and I used to do this?"
And he says (clicking channels), "sure I remember"...
"Well, what did you think then, sweetheart?" she says...
"When you did that, I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out", he says (clicking)
"Well, now what do you think, honey?" , she coos....
"Mission accomplished..." says he....

 

[Keith]

 

[Jack]

Full steam astern ,Cap'n!

 

[Keith]

Aye aye Jack....

 

[David Lowe]

Keepng in line with the jungle theme

 

[Keith]

One sick individual, now universally loathed by a nation for shafting the vulnerable and the innocent.


Seen here with Jimmy Savile.

 

[Keith]

Lonely here isn't it.

Just dodging the tumbleweed:

This joke is only for Pete, Ian, Jimbo, Jack, Dave, Mark, Nick and anyone else who knows me.



A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table...He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ........

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

 

[Mark]

Groan

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

And he asked if he could see her again, and she said.........










Sure- I'll keep an eye out for ya.