Jokes anyone? -

[Ian Anderson]

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

_____________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."


_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


_____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough,the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said,"Oh! Am I driving?"

 

Just got sent this from my brother who lives in Oz....


DIARY OF A POMMIE IN AUSTRALIA


August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !

October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday..
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
- This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fucking Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fucking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
Fucking thief.

November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to fucking throttle him.
Fucking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like baked cat.
Fucking place is the end of the Earth.

November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my fucking arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fucking arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny.
It never fucking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Fuck!

November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool.
The only things that thrive in this fucking hell-hole are the fucking flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Fucking Australia!
What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live here!

December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are fucking kidding me!

 

[Nick]

Always knew the RAF was the best service

 

[Robert May Eng.]

http://www.gt40s.com/forum/attachme...ent.php?attachmentid=70017&stc=1&d=1391242417

 

[Jack]

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."

 

[Jack]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off.. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave... The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
'Well, what is it then? What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, She's just selling batteries,,,

'Batteries?' cried the wife.
'Yes!' he replied.


She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!'

 

[Keith]

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."

Two hour Paddock ban for that Jack. Suspended. Just watch it in future....:annoyed:

 

[Jack]

Oh, my! Chastised again..

 

[Larry L.]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off.. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave... The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
'Well, what is it then? What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, She's just selling batteries,,,

'Batteries?' cried the wife.
'Yes!' he replied.


She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!'

Such a long, looooong way to go just to get...there... :bash:

 

[Jack]

That's why I posted it Larry......

 

[Nick]

Oh, my! Chastised again..

Hope not, in my opinion best jokes I've read in ages, keep them coming

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

I always thought you had a sick sense of humour Nick.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Sand Crab and Mud Crab had been friends since they were born, and loved to play together in the surf. One day, a speed-boat passed over the top of where they were playing. The propeller caught Sand Crab and Mud Crab, and they were smashed to smithereens...

Now Mud Crab had always been a good little crab, said his prayers every night, and always helped others, so he went to Heaven. Sand Crab, on the other hand, had been very naughty. He would make ugly faces behind the teacher's back, and pinch little girl's bottoms when they weren't looking. There was only one place for him, and that place was Hell...

Mud Crab was very happy in Heaven, and for a few hundred years, he did his chores without complaint. Each morning he happily fluffed up all the clouds, and in the afternoon would polish the rainbows. He missed Sand Crab though, and one day he approached St Peter, asking if, since he had been so good, could he take some time off and visit his old friend Down There.

St. Peter scratched his head for a minute.

'This is highly irregular you know,' he said kindly. 'But yes, you have been very good, and the clouds have never been fluffier, and the rainbows never brighter.'

He thought for a minute, then said: 'Alright Mud Crab, you can visit your friend on two conditions: first you must take your Harp with you, and secondly, you must be back by midnight.'....

Happily clutching his Harp, Mud Crab slid down a passing rainbow and soon arrived at the Gates of Hell. He asked the gatekeeper if he knew Sand Crab, and was very pleased when the gatekeeper told him that of course he did. 'Everyone here knows Sand Crab,' he said. 'He runs the biggest Disco in Hell, right over there.

Mud Crab ran to the Disco, and soon found Sand Crab, who was, of course, overjoyed to see his old friend. They played games and talked about old times for hours, till, at two minutes to midnight, Mud Crab had to leave as it was late already. Hurriedly saying goodbye, he ran outside the Gates of Hell, and luckily caught a passing cloud that whisked him straight back to Heaven.

St Peter was standing at the gate looking at his watch. 'Just in time, Mud Crab,' he said, then he peered at Mud Crab. 'But wait, where is your Harp?'

'Oh dear,' said Mud Crab. 'I left my Harp in Sand Crab's Disco'.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care
where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was
Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement.
He became a hardened criminal.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts;in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I’ll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

OMG. Pete, you need therapy, or something..

Outside of a dog..... etc etc.

 

[Keith]

I'm trying to think of a suitable punishment. Transportation may be.... Hmmm..

Wait.. done that.

I know - a vacation on Christmas Island! :thumbsup:

 

[Larry L.]

That's why I posted it Larry......

Yeah, I know!!!

 

[Nick]

Leave this guys alone we have an unofficial competition at work to see who can tell the worst joke, I've got it sown up for weeks

 

[Larry L.]

Oooops! Sorry!

BOTH you guy's jokes suck! And, come to think of it - so do Pete's!

How's that? 'Better? :shrug:

 

[Jack]

Spoken like a true WOGG!