Jokes anyone? -

[flatchat(Chris)]

humble appologies if this has been done before:shy:

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

 

[Larry L.]

^^^ One of my all time faves!

...Wifey, OTOH, has a different view...

 

[Nick]

Flight briefing New Zealand style

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBlRbrB_Gnc]An Unexpected Briefing #airnzhobbit - YouTube[/ame]

 

[Jack]

How to know if your cat is plotting to kill you.

How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You - The Oatmeal

 

[flatchat(Chris)]

I thought it was funny:embarassed:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/q71/1513292_474248472680090_1257613786_n.jpg

 

[Charlie Farley]

The Squeezer

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried.... over time, weightlifters, dockers etc., but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, he was wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He said in a small voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence........as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.......and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000 and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"










The little fellow quietly replied:

"I work for the Inland Revenue ."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Classic.

 

[Larry L.]

The Squeezer

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried.... over time, weightlifters, dockers etc., but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, he was wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He said in a small voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence........as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.......and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000 and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"










The little fellow quietly replied:

"I work for the Inland Revenue ."

Howcome I K-N-E-W what the punch line had to be???

 

[Robert May Eng.]

http://www.gt40s.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=69867&stc=1&d=1390599102

 

[Robert May Eng.]

For those that remember Jethro and Jim Davidson.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twYZH_XNqDk]generation game outtake - YouTube[/ame]

 

[Bill Musarra]

Technology: NEW PASSWORD REQUIRED

User: My usual password is not working suddenly, why?
Website chat assistant: Your password has expired - you must register a
new one.

User: Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine?
Website: you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30
days.

User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
Website: No, you must get a new one.

User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.

User: ok, roses
Website: Sorry you must use more letters.

User: pretty roses
Website: you must use at least one number.

User : 1 pretty rose
Website: you cannot use blank spaces.

User: 1prettyrose
Website : you must use additional letters.

User : 1fuckingprettyrose
Website: you must use at least one capital letter.

User: 1FUCKINGprettyrose
Website: you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

User: 1FuckingPrettyRose
Website: you must use additional letters.

User:1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

Website: Sorry, that password is already being used.

 

[Larry L.]

Website: Sorry, that password is already being used.

Gee, I can't imagine WHY!

 

[John]

Usually I read then copy and paste the good jokes from here onto another site I spend time on , but this time I think I should post one I put on the other site in return.

Monday morning English class and Miss Jones asks the class for a sentence with the word "contagious" in it

little Molly immediately puts her hand in the air and starts waving franticly
"yes Molly" asks Miss Jones
last week she replied "my brother got the measles and we weren't allowed to play with him cause mum said he was contagious"
"very good Molly that's exactly right
"then little Jonny stuck his wing in the air and waved it about,
oh dear thought Miss Jones can I trust him not to drop a doozey, oh well she thought what can he do with that word.
so reluctantly she called yes Jonny do you have a sentence
"Please Miss" he replied, "last night my dad picked me up after school in the ute"
"that's very interesting Jonny but where is the word contagious
"well on the way home we came to an accident where a truck had lost its load of watermelons,
and my dad laughed and said it was going to take that poor contagious to pick em all up
Miss jones is now under going therapy

 

[Bill Musarra]

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?


Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?

 

[Jack]

my chainsaw is bigger than yours...

Australian V8 Chainsaw » Common Sense Evaluation

 

[Larry L.]

my chainsaw is bigger than yours...

Australian V8 Chainsaw » Common Sense Evaluation

I'll "see" your 'saw (pardon the pun) and raise yuh all of mine:


https://www.google.com/search?q=biggest+chainsaw+in+the+world&tbm=isch&source=iu&imgil=SDEAu-wRlkkz0M%253A%253Bhttps%253A%252F%252Fencrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com%252Fimages%253Fq%253Dtbn%253AANd9GcQSe9f2OTkStlzr90vsI3SMV7uHr9-RfVlgqfamTUquFlLLnb3_%253B500%253B300%253BSqHvM-q5bAsiIM%253Bhttp%25253A%25252F%25252Fautos.ca.msn.com%25252Fspecials%25252Froad-trip-guide%25252Fgallery.aspx%25253Fcp-documentid%2525253D25006899%25252526page%2525253D2&sa=X&ei=VvfjUrOLD8bioAT87IGwAQ&sqi=2&ved=0CCkQ9QEwAQ&biw=1152&bih=585#facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=SDEAu-wRlkkz0M%253A%3BSqHvM-q5bAsiIM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fblu.stb.s-msn.com%252Fi%252F22%252F14D14F465EBA8CB1CE537A5B1F2DB6.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fautos.ca.msn.com%252Fspecials%252Froad-trip-guide%252Fgallery.aspx%253Fcp-documentid%253D25006899%2526page%253D2%3B500%3B300

 

[Jack]

I'll fold on that one.

 

[Larry L.]

Formidable...ain't I...

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

Holy shit. Who picks that up and uses it? Paul Bunyan?

 

[Ian Anderson]

Are you smarter than a 60 year old?


THIS MAY BE HARDER THAN YOU MAY THINK.

THE ANSWERS WILL BE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE, BUT YOU JUST CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER THE CORRECT ANSWER.


DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED IT OUT.

A TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS. I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might
actually remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends.
This is a test for us 'older kids'!
The answers are printed below, (after the questions)

but don't cheat! answer them first.....



01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.



02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on...
The ____ ___________ Show.



03. 'Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.'



04. 'The story you are about to see is true.
The names have been changed to

___________________.'




05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.'




06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'




07. Nestle's makes the very best .
' _______________.'



08. Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this
great jazz trumpet player with us.
His name was _________________.



09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.




10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was
named __________________
and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and
'________ ________... '



11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.



12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &_______________.




13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.'

This was a tribute to ___________________.




14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit.
The Russians did it.
It was called ___________________.




15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the __________ ______________.



16. Remember LS/MFT
_____ _____ /_____ _____ _____?



17. Hey Kids! What time is it?
It's _____ ______ _____!



18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men?
The _____ Knows!



19. There was a song that came out in the
60's that was "a grave yard smash".
It's name was the ______ ______!



20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it's Logo/Representative. What was the boy's name? ________










ANSWERS:

01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

02. The Ed Sullivan Show

03. On Route 66

04.To protect the innocent.

05.The Lion Sleeps Tonight

06. The limbo

07. Chocolate

08. Louis Armstrong

09. The Timex watch

10. Freddy, The Freeloader and...
'Good Night and God Bless.'

11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)

12. Beetle or Bug

13. Buddy Holly

14. Sputnik

15. Hoola-hoop

16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco

17. Howdy Doody Time

18. Shadow

19.Monster Mash

20. Speedy


Send this to your 'older' friends, (Better known as Seniors.)
It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes.