Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
No, we're sending him to Hanukah. In Santa Monica. No appeal.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Hint, watch the bloopers at the end.
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xfzxesxk_Yo]Dickens Cider - YouTube[/ame]
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xfzxesxk_Yo]Dickens Cider - YouTube[/ame]
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Al, I think I've worked out what a Johnson is, not a term we are Familiar with in OZ.
time for some deep thinking...............................
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is she would have asked 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
CHEERS!
time for some deep thinking...............................
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is she would have asked 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
CHEERS!
IRISH JUSTICE
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arse hole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arse hole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
VERY TRUE
Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"
I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."
"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
Very simple.
My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it.
Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"
I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."
"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
Very simple.
My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it.
Two guys are walking along a country path talking about nothing in particular when they spot a huge hole off to one side of it. So, they walk over and peer down the thing. One says to the other, "'Wonder how deep it is?" The other guy looks around, spots an old anvil lying under some bushes...draggs it over to the hole and shoves it in. The two guys wait and wait for the 'thud' and never hear one. Amazed, they start walking back up the path from whence they came, when they come upon an old farmer calling, "Nanny!!! Nanny!!! Where ARE you?" Spotting to two hikers, the farmer asks if they'd seen a goat go by. "Why, yes", one of the guys said, "as a matter of fact a goat just flew by us doing about EIGHTY as we came up the trail a second ago."
That's IMPOSSIBLE!!!", screamed the farmer, I HAD HER TIED TO AN ANVIL."
That's IMPOSSIBLE!!!", screamed the farmer, I HAD HER TIED TO AN ANVIL."
Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
That is SO sad......
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Mike Pass
Supporter
There was an Australian millionairess who decided to use her millions to get what she really wanted which was to have a virgin man. She offered a huge reward to find this virgin man but they couldn't find one anywhere after weeks of searching. Then in a cave in a really remote place they found this unbelievably ugly wizened old guy who confirmed that he had never been with a woman. So the millionaires set everything up and the fugly guy was brought to her house where she lay on the bed ready wearing nothing but black gloves and black high heeled shoes and laying out on the white sheets looking like the ace of spades.
In comes the guy and he starts moving the furniture and rolling up the carpets. Puzzled she asks him what he is doing. He replies " I've never been with a woman before but if they are anything like a kangaroo I am going to need some space".
Cheers
Mike
In comes the guy and he starts moving the furniture and rolling up the carpets. Puzzled she asks him what he is doing. He replies " I've never been with a woman before but if they are anything like a kangaroo I am going to need some space".
Cheers
Mike
Leave this guys alone we have an unofficial competition at work to see who can tell the worst joke, I've got it sown up for weeks
DOES THIS MEAN I "WIN" THE "WORST JOKE" CONTEST???!!! :grinf:
THE HARLEY ....
Description: A8C5486660754432B050A7F83BE32FD6@cathielaptop
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can
hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay,
so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle?
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented:
'Well, what's the big deal in inventing
something that's pretty unstable, makes
noise and pollution and can't run without
a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but he
finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the
inventor of woman?'
Description: F358DCFF672B47C1BD542808140D282C@cathielaptop
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur,
'professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention.
1..
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
suspension
Description: DD6BF78B1C9A48018FFC76A3C2DC7030@cathielaptop Description: DEE14D5528CF4EEAB1B547344E4C526D@cathielaptop
2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds
Description: 7192F9282C0C4A49BB048431A7A3DF10@cathielaptop
3.. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble
about too much
Description: FE34FECC285348B88D38E8364F5FA800@cathielaptop
4.
The intake is placed way too
close to the exhaust
5.. The maintenance costs are
outrageous!!!!
Description: 176AE059B03E49F8990D00F4F3EF689E@cathielaptop
'Hmmmmm,
you may have some good points there,' replied
God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer,
typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,
' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours'..
Description: A8C5486660754432B050A7F83BE32FD6@cathielaptop
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can
hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay,
so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle?
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented:
'Well, what's the big deal in inventing
something that's pretty unstable, makes
noise and pollution and can't run without
a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but he
finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the
inventor of woman?'
Description: F358DCFF672B47C1BD542808140D282C@cathielaptop
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur,
'professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention.
1..
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
suspension
Description: DD6BF78B1C9A48018FFC76A3C2DC7030@cathielaptop Description: DEE14D5528CF4EEAB1B547344E4C526D@cathielaptop
2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds
Description: 7192F9282C0C4A49BB048431A7A3DF10@cathielaptop
3.. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble
about too much
Description: FE34FECC285348B88D38E8364F5FA800@cathielaptop
4.
The intake is placed way too
close to the exhaust
5.. The maintenance costs are
outrageous!!!!
Description: 176AE059B03E49F8990D00F4F3EF689E@cathielaptop
'Hmmmmm,
you may have some good points there,' replied
God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer,
typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,
' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours'..
