Jim Rosenthal
Supporter
Hmmm.....try again....
Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
A man received the following text from his neighbor
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife". Sorry
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife". Sorry
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
?????#3460.s
oke:
oke:
Peter Delaney
GT40s Supporter
We had a power outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a couple of hours.
She seems like a nice person.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a couple of hours.
She seems like a nice person.
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl indeed is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who wasa the pig thata did thisa to you? I wanta to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of his sports car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. First off, I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..
If a boy is born , my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage... well what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun the whole time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him, "Youa gonna trya again!"
The test result shows that the girl indeed is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who wasa the pig thata did thisa to you? I wanta to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of his sports car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. First off, I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..
If a boy is born , my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage... well what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun the whole time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him, "Youa gonna trya again!"
Pat
Supporter
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT
Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President.
She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in
the White House. She has waited several years for this!!
Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President.
She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in
the White House. She has waited several years for this!!
FIRST NIGHT
Suddenly!
The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"
Suddenly!
The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
SECOND NIGHT
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...?
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really really don't want to do that."
THIRD NIGHT
On the third night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears...?
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says,
"Go to the theater."
Charlie Farley
Supporter
It was the first day back at school after the summer holidays.
Sitting in the class were 12 year olds, all excited about the new term and eager to catch up on what others had got up to, over the holidays.
The teacher, Ms Sims walked in and brought the class to order.
" Now " she said, " i could see you were all talking about the holidays, so lets go around the class to find out what you did "
A dozen or so hands shot up and Ms Sims asked Rachael to tell the class.
Rachael explained that the family had gone on holiday and then she had helped out on the farm. As Ms Sims asked for other volunteers, Johnny, sitting at the back eagerly shot his hand up.
Now, Johnny had a bit of a reputation as a rough diamond and regularly disrupted class, given half a chance. Ms Sims ignored him and asked one of the other pupils. Anyway, this went on, with Johnny gettting more persistent, to the point of standing up and shouting " Me Miss, Me Miss ".
Eventually with trepidation Ms Sims said " Ok Johnny, what did you do during the holidays ? But please no bad language ".
" Well Ms, we played down by the stream and caught frogs "
" Johnny " Ms Sims said " i hope you let them go ? "
" Yes Ms we did " said Johnny
Johnny replied " But when we caught them we stuffed a firework up their arse and....."
" Johnny " Ms Sims angrily retorted, " the correct word is rectum.."
" Wrecked'em " shouted Johnny, " you're right, it blew them to fecking bits !!!"
At which point Ms Sims had a turn...
Sitting in the class were 12 year olds, all excited about the new term and eager to catch up on what others had got up to, over the holidays.
The teacher, Ms Sims walked in and brought the class to order.
" Now " she said, " i could see you were all talking about the holidays, so lets go around the class to find out what you did "
A dozen or so hands shot up and Ms Sims asked Rachael to tell the class.
Rachael explained that the family had gone on holiday and then she had helped out on the farm. As Ms Sims asked for other volunteers, Johnny, sitting at the back eagerly shot his hand up.
Now, Johnny had a bit of a reputation as a rough diamond and regularly disrupted class, given half a chance. Ms Sims ignored him and asked one of the other pupils. Anyway, this went on, with Johnny gettting more persistent, to the point of standing up and shouting " Me Miss, Me Miss ".
Eventually with trepidation Ms Sims said " Ok Johnny, what did you do during the holidays ? But please no bad language ".
" Well Ms, we played down by the stream and caught frogs "
" Johnny " Ms Sims said " i hope you let them go ? "
" Yes Ms we did " said Johnny
Johnny replied " But when we caught them we stuffed a firework up their arse and....."
" Johnny " Ms Sims angrily retorted, " the correct word is rectum.."
" Wrecked'em " shouted Johnny, " you're right, it blew them to fecking bits !!!"
At which point Ms Sims had a turn...
not only funny but true.
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON
THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS
BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT
ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT MR GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING
BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY, "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
It broke the place up.
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY. Do pass it on, it's too choice not to be shared
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON
THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS
BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT
ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT MR GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING
BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY, "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
It broke the place up.
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY. Do pass it on, it's too choice not to be shared
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost
by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly
found in cells. It appears that "Mexicans" is not the correct answer either.
A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center,but I've been
banned from it after asking to look at some of the latest bomber-jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and
her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular people porn, you sickbastard."
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost
by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly
found in cells. It appears that "Mexicans" is not the correct answer either.
A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center,but I've been
banned from it after asking to look at some of the latest bomber-jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and
her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular people porn, you sickbastard."
What's The Nail For?
Penny, a blonde city girl, marries a Yorkshire dairy farmer. One
morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to
Penny, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our
cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the
barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door.
Penny takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Penny explains very
confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and starts to walk
away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......
'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
Bob
Penny, a blonde city girl, marries a Yorkshire dairy farmer. One
morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to
Penny, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our
cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the
barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door.
Penny takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Penny explains very
confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and starts to walk
away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......
'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
Bob
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.
He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang.
He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working:
the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid, and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said,
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?" :laugh:
He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang.
He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working:
the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid, and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said,
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?" :laugh:
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a
large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view
of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As
she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got
many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local
ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat,
and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go
wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told
her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove
old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment
facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care...they turned you down.”
GOD BLESS AMERICA
Current F1
Bob
Bob
I cannot disagree!
