Jokes anyone? -

Keith1 · Jan 13, 2016

Men in Sheds. Backbone of the Universe, now immortalised in prose...

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<table class="MsoNormalTable" style="width:100.0%;mso-cellspacing:0cm;mso-yfti-tbllook:1184;mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr style="mso-yfti-irow:0;mso-yfti-firstrow:yes;mso-yfti-lastrow:yes"> <td style="width:100.0%;padding:1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt" width="100%"> The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.

Now a spoof, Fifty SHEDs Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of his garden. Here are some extracts... Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall... But in the end we came to the same conclusion, the bottom of the garden was the only place for a garden shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other welly.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to break into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the capital of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. "Very well," I replied. "You've got cellulite and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her One Direction CD
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kaspa · Jan 13, 2016

a mate sent me this this mornin and it made my day.

https://youtu.be/b26Ll9q77Pw

kaspa

molleur · Jan 13, 2016

This is a good one too...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLeHQFBMtmk

kaspa · Jan 14, 2016

That could have turned nasty very easily, was good though

kaspa

molleur · Jan 14, 2016

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions!" he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mother, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mother, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

gtbob · Jan 16, 2016

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

altimgamr · Jan 17, 2016

Are 'yo mama' and 'what are those' jokes getting old? Or nah?

Larry L. · Jan 17, 2016

"Yo mama" jokes never get old 'far as I'm concerned! :2thumbsup:

When George Wallace headlined at the Flamingo in 'Vegas (from around 2004 to 2014), he usually included about a 5 minute "Yo Mama" segment in his show. My wife and I made it a point to attend that show whenever we were down there (about twice a year), so, we literally saw it about 2 dozen times during George's run.
Starting in about 2008 or so (and from then on whenever my wife and I were down there), George and I used to 'go at it' during the "yo mama" segment ('long story as to how that got started!). He and I had a ball! Well...I did anyway. The audience also seemed to get a kick out of our 'back-and-forth', if for no other reason than the fact that "an old, sixty-something white guy" was going toe-to-toe with George in what's usually considered to be pretty much a 'Black-owned' genre/shtick.

If I may (or NOT - I don't care!), I'll cite one exchange both the audience AND George seemed to get a kick out of...and then I'll shuddup:

George: "Yo mama BUTT so huge, 'look like she just got back from shop liftin' couch cushions."

Me: "Huh huh. Well, YO mama be such a load, just to get her fat self across the street to visit her neighbor requires a Kenworth, a wide load permit, and a mandatory street closure."

I miss seeing that guy. He's 'good people'.

molleur · Jan 17, 2016

'Yo mama so fat when she bleeds, she bleeds GRAVY!~

Larry L. · Jan 17, 2016

altimgamr said:
Are 'yo mama' and 'what are those' jokes getting old? Or nah?

Me thinks we may have to start a separate thread...

Keith1 · Jan 18, 2016

I have absolutely no idea what y'all are talking about so here's a "normal" joke...

A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes we do," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes it does," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.

Keith1 · Jan 18, 2016

These are really silly, but, at the same time.....

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I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

One out of every three Brits over 50 is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Nick Brough · Jan 18, 2016

Kids an endless source of entertainment

brianstewart · Jan 18, 2016

I was given an oversupply of viagra, so flushed half the pills down the toilet. Took three days to get the seat back down...

Keith1 · Jan 19, 2016

Pharmacist to customer:

"Sir, please understand, to buy anti depressant tablets, you need a proper prescription from your doctor.....

Simply showing your marriage certificate and a photo of your wife, is not enough!"

molleur · Jan 19, 2016

For those with kids..
Trouble in kindergarten

Trouble in kindergarten

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now

molleur · Jan 22, 2016

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon ?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful ! So romantic."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Things I'd never heard before ! I mean, all these awful four-letter words ! You've got to take me home. Please Mama !"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down ! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words ?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful. Come get me, please."

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words !"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama, he used words like dust, wash, iron, cook."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

Keith1 · Jan 26, 2016

In recognition of Robbie Burns night (yesterday) I publish this well known jockular (!) missive..

Sorry Scots people - McDevil made me do it..

For Muricans - if you don't get it - see a Scot...

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Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy’s forthcoming wedding:

“Och, it's all goin’ pure brilliant,” says Jimmy.

“A’ve goat everythin’ organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the Minister, even ma stag night.”

Archie nods approvingly.

“A've even boat a kilt to be married in!” continues Jimmy.

“A kilt?” exclaims Archie, “That's magic, you'll look pure smart in tha. Wha's the tartan?”

“Och,” says Jimmy, “A’d imagine she’ll be in white!”

brianstewart · Jan 28, 2016

Shamelessly stolen from another source...

Keith1 · Jan 28, 2016

I dunno, I reckon you could do some serious damage to a burglar with that lot, once you'd caught him and tied him up of course...:shifty:

Funny though Brian, made I laugh anyway..:thumbsup:

Jokes anyone? -

Keith

John

Jack

John

Jack

Robert May Eng.

Myles Madden

Larry L.

Jack

Larry L.

Keith

Keith

Nick

Attachments

Brian Stewart

Keith

Jack

Jack

Keith

Brian Stewart

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Keith

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