Jokes anyone? -

kaspa · Jan 13, 2016

a mate sent me this this mornin and it made my day.

https://youtu.be/b26Ll9q77Pw

kaspa

molleur · Jan 13, 2016

This is a good one too...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLeHQFBMtmk

kaspa · Jan 14, 2016

That could have turned nasty very easily, was good though

kaspa

molleur · Jan 14, 2016

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions!" he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mother, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mother, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

gtbob · Jan 16, 2016

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

altimgamr · Jan 17, 2016

Are 'yo mama' and 'what are those' jokes getting old? Or nah?

Larry L. · Jan 17, 2016

"Yo mama" jokes never get old 'far as I'm concerned! :2thumbsup:

When George Wallace headlined at the Flamingo in 'Vegas (from around 2004 to 2014), he usually included about a 5 minute "Yo Mama" segment in his show. My wife and I made it a point to attend that show whenever we were down there (about twice a year), so, we literally saw it about 2 dozen times during George's run.
Starting in about 2008 or so (and from then on whenever my wife and I were down there), George and I used to 'go at it' during the "yo mama" segment ('long story as to how that got started!). He and I had a ball! Well...I did anyway. The audience also seemed to get a kick out of our 'back-and-forth', if for no other reason than the fact that "an old, sixty-something white guy" was going toe-to-toe with George in what's usually considered to be pretty much a 'Black-owned' genre/shtick.

If I may (or NOT - I don't care!), I'll cite one exchange both the audience AND George seemed to get a kick out of...and then I'll shuddup:

George: "Yo mama BUTT so huge, 'look like she just got back from shop liftin' couch cushions."

Me: "Huh huh. Well, YO mama be such a load, just to get her fat self across the street to visit her neighbor requires a Kenworth, a wide load permit, and a mandatory street closure."

I miss seeing that guy. He's 'good people'.

molleur · Jan 17, 2016

'Yo mama so fat when she bleeds, she bleeds GRAVY!~

Larry L. · Jan 17, 2016

altimgamr said:
Are 'yo mama' and 'what are those' jokes getting old? Or nah?

Me thinks we may have to start a separate thread...

Keith1 · Jan 18, 2016

I have absolutely no idea what y'all are talking about so here's a "normal" joke...

A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes we do," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes it does," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.

Keith1 · Jan 18, 2016

These are really silly, but, at the same time.....

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I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

One out of every three Brits over 50 is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Nick Brough · Jan 18, 2016

Kids an endless source of entertainment

brianstewart · Jan 18, 2016

I was given an oversupply of viagra, so flushed half the pills down the toilet. Took three days to get the seat back down...

Keith1 · Jan 19, 2016

Pharmacist to customer:

"Sir, please understand, to buy anti depressant tablets, you need a proper prescription from your doctor.....

Simply showing your marriage certificate and a photo of your wife, is not enough!"

molleur · Jan 19, 2016

For those with kids..
Trouble in kindergarten

Trouble in kindergarten

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now

molleur · Jan 22, 2016

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon ?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful ! So romantic."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Things I'd never heard before ! I mean, all these awful four-letter words ! You've got to take me home. Please Mama !"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down ! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words ?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful. Come get me, please."

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words !"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama, he used words like dust, wash, iron, cook."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

Keith1 · Jan 26, 2016

In recognition of Robbie Burns night (yesterday) I publish this well known jockular (!) missive..

Sorry Scots people - McDevil made me do it..

For Muricans - if you don't get it - see a Scot...

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Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy’s forthcoming wedding:

“Och, it's all goin’ pure brilliant,” says Jimmy.

“A’ve goat everythin’ organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the Minister, even ma stag night.”

Archie nods approvingly.

“A've even boat a kilt to be married in!” continues Jimmy.

“A kilt?” exclaims Archie, “That's magic, you'll look pure smart in tha. Wha's the tartan?”

“Och,” says Jimmy, “A’d imagine she’ll be in white!”

brianstewart · Jan 28, 2016

Shamelessly stolen from another source...

Keith1 · Jan 28, 2016

I dunno, I reckon you could do some serious damage to a burglar with that lot, once you'd caught him and tied him up of course...:shifty:

Funny though Brian, made I laugh anyway..:thumbsup:

molleur · Jan 28, 2016

Divorce settlement

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the
curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in
half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-husband called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that
he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ...
but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... and
just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!

Jokes anyone? -

John

Jack

John

Jack

Robert May Eng.

Myles Madden

Larry L.

Jack

Larry L.

Keith

Keith

Nick

Attachments

Brian Stewart

Keith

Jack

Jack

Keith

Brian Stewart

Attachments

Keith

Jack

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