Jokes anyone? -

Larry L. · Dec 24, 2015

With the Holidays close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several whiskies followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home!

Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before.

I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

Merry Christmas and be safe out there............

Keith1 · Dec 24, 2015

That's happened to me.....:quirk:

gtbob · Dec 28, 2015

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do".
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace.
I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you".

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up; "yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.

"Well, I’m in the pub next to that."

Big-Foot · Dec 28, 2015

Robert --
ROTFLMBO...

gtbob · Dec 29, 2015

The guy that invented predictive text has died, his funnel well be held neck weak.

Bob

IanAnderson · Dec 30, 2015

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. When he arrives, and gets out of his van he has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the puzzled homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Larry L. · Jan 3, 2016

How many weeks do you suppose it took the guys to nail this routine down?

It still cracks me up every time I hear it (f.f. to 00:55):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg

Nick Brough · Jan 3, 2016

The Aussies seem to do natural history films a bit differently to David Attenborough

https://www.facebook.com/ozzymanreviews/videos/973231332712734/

Mark IV · Jan 7, 2016

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like shit!" . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

Keith1 · Jan 8, 2016

If you search he *Jokes* thread you'll likely find at least 3-4 posts of this very jape, but I think it is one joke that merits a regular airing and always raises a smile from me..

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ontFlipMirrorIndents/> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--> Two Irish builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub in Belfast
when a well-dressed man enters, orders
a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker..

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at the urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better
of the builder.

Pat: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Pat: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

Pat - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that
you are quite probably married?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Pat: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker.

kaspa · Jan 8, 2016

Thats gold.

kaspa

Charlie Farley · Jan 8, 2016

Thanks Keith, its a ' cracker '.
Could hardly type that from laughing..
( wiping eyes )
Hope you are not in too much pain.

molleur · Jan 8, 2016

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore...

Charlie Farley · Jan 9, 2016

An ornithologist attends a speed dating evening.
At one table the girl opposite has a sheet of paper
with her questions on it.

Girl: What interests you most ?

Ornithologist: Great tits and all varieties of thrush ..

Brian Kissel · Jan 11, 2016

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Keith1 · Jan 11, 2016

I have really no idea why an Irish theme pervades my recent offerings but here's another, Again. It's probably been posted before but I do enjoy the dryness..

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</td> <td style="padding:0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm"> Antiques Roadshow in Ireland......
</td> </tr> </tbody></table>
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.

”Ooh”, said the presenter enthusiastically, “This is a very rare set produced by
the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn
of the last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

“Sticks,” said Paddy.

Charlie Farley · Jan 12, 2016

Two crackers to start the day with.
Thanks.
How is the foot Keith ?

Keith1 · Jan 12, 2016

Foot is well on the mend thanks for asking Andy..

Just now waiting for the District Nurse to come and change the dressings which is worse than the op, trust me...:stunned:

Nick Brough · Jan 12, 2016

From the late great Tommy Cooper

Recently found a Stradivarius and a Picasso hidden away in the loft. unfortunately Picasso made rubbish violins and Stradivarius was a rotten painter.

For explanation for those who may not know, Rodney Marsh a maverick football player, Sir Alf Ramsey was an England football manager, Manchester City is the 3rd best football team in Manchester after Manchester United and Manchester United reserves.

Sir Alf Ramsey to Rodney Marsh "I'll be watching you for the first 45 minutes and if you don't work harder I'll pull you off at half time," to which Marsh replied: "Crikey, Alf, at Manchester City all we get is an orange and a cup of tea"

Keith1 · Jan 13, 2016

Not my usual kind of joke, but here goes....

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Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Judy married again, and this time, she and John had 5
children.
Judy finally died, after having a total of 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together.."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret,
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, “I think he means her legs, Ethel!"

Jokes anyone? -

Larry L.

Keith

Robert May Eng.

Randy V

Moderator-Admin

Robert May Eng.

Ian Anderson

Larry L.

Nick

Rick Muck- Mark IV

Keith

John

Charlie Farley

Jack

Charlie Farley

Brian Kissel

Keith

Charlie Farley

Keith

Nick

Keith

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