Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

I'm not sure that this should be in the jokes section but it is funny.
Maroochydore is just north of where I live.

P.



<TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE style="MARGIN-LEFT: 14.25pt; mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%; mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%">This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine .

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and
several flyer's mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[Brian Hamilton]

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story).

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

[Brian Hamilton]

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address !!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

 

[Brian Hamilton]

Texas BBQ Grill...

 

[Aaron L.]

Texas BBQ Grill...

I'm neither a texan nor a gun fan (although I do support ownership of such), but that is friggin' awesome!
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[Pete McCluskey.]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
<FONT face="Times New Roman"><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.<o></o>
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The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.<o></o>
<o></o>
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.<o></o>
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She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.<o></o>
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When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.<o></o>
<o></o>
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'<o></o>
<o></o>
And that's how the fight started ...<o></o>
<o></o>

 

[Dutton]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $55."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Grammar 101.

 

[Paul]

Some Viz readers letters.

* Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

* What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

* Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's boobs. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway

* What's gone wrong with the world today, nowadays I can't even beat the wife about a bit without fear of intervention from social services or even fear of prosecution. It's PC gone mad.

* Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours

* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day20someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the <?xml:namespace prefix = ns0 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><ns0:country-region w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><ns0lace w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Congo</st1lace></st1:country-region></ns0lace></ns0:country-region> and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

* Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

* Why is it that pubs wont serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? its hardly fair.

* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

* How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor

* The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

* In the 20th Century, <ns0:country-region w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Britain</st1:country-region></ns0:country-region> only made war with countries whose Capital cities began with the letter 'B' - <ns0:country-region w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Germany</st1:country-region></ns0:country-region> ( <ns0:State w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:State w:st="on">Berlin</st1:State></ns0:State> ), <ns0:country-region w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Argentina</st1:country-region></ns0:country-region> ( <ns0:City w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:City w:st="on">Buenos Aires</st1:City></ns0:City> ), <ns0:country-region w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Iraq</st1:country-region></ns0:country-region> ( <ns0:City w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:City w:st="on">Baghdad</st1:City></ns0:City> ), and <ns0:country-region w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Serbia</st1:country-region></ns0:country-region> ( <ns0:City w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><ns0lace w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Belgrade</st1lace></st1:City></ns0lace></ns0:City> ). <ns0:country-region w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:country-region w:st="on">China</st1:country-region></ns0:country-region> changed the name of Peking to <ns0:City w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><ns0lace w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Beijing</st1lace></st1:City></ns0lace></ns0:City> and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.

* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down

* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in <ns0:City w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><ns0lace w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">London</st1lace></st1:City></ns0lace></ns0:City> beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to <ns0:country-region w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:country-region w:st="on">France</st1:country-region></ns0:country-region> , then <ns0:City w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:City w:st="on">North Africa</st1:City></ns0:City> , <ns0:country-region w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Italy</st1:country-region></ns0:country-region> , <ns0:country-region w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:country-region w:st="on">France</st1:country-region></ns0:country-region> (again) and finally <ns0:country-region w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><ns0lace w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Germany</st1lace></st1:country-region></ns0lace></ns0:country-region> . The shame will always be with us.

* Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of <ns0:City w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><ns0lace w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">London</st1lace></st1:City></ns0lace></ns0:City> . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, <ns0:City w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><ns0lace w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Munich</st1lace></st1:City></ns0lace></ns0:City> .

* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the <ns0lace w:insAuthor="Unknown" w:insDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z" w:endInsAuthor="Unknown" w:endInsDate="2009-07-04T16:57:00Z"><st1lace w:st="on">Grand Canyon</st1lace></ns0lace> on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

* So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

* I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
<o> </o>

 

[Brian Hamilton]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."

Gold, sounds like the sought of thing a KIWI would do.:laugh::laugh:

 

[David Morton]

The newspaper article below is even funnier than the sign !

Are the residents called F--------

What are the mothers called?

What would you be learning at the F-------- High School ?

Does the F-------- Hospital help you with anything else?

If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your F-------- friend.

I didn't believe this was true .. So did an Internet search.
It's TRUE!!! Here's more pictures and info .

Now, this one is really good!
The sign says 'Bitte! Nicht so schnell',
which in English translates to 'Please!
Not so fast!

More tidbits, and it gets even funnier! ..
Pronounced 'fooking'
The little hamlet of F------ is named after
the man who founded the village in the 6th century.

His name? Focko.

 

[RichardH]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.





The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Clause 21 may upset some of you.

> The International Council of Man Laws.
>
> 1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
>
> 2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
> (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
> (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
> (c) After wrecking your boss's car.
> (d) When she is using her teeth.
>
> 3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
> and eaten by his friends.
>
> 4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
> limits forever unless you actually marry her.
>
> 5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
> forbidden.
> However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
>
> 6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
> another
> man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
> optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
> birthday boy's choice.
>
> 7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
> the
> weakest.
>
> 8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you
> may
> ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
> playing.
>
> 9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her
> to
> climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
> flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
> officially your girlfriend.
>
> 10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink ONLY when
> you're
> sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless
> model
> and only when it's free.
>
> 11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
> allowed
> to kick another guy in the nuts.
>
> 12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>
> 13. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>
> 14. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
> anything.
>
> 15. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as
> spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
> to
> drink as much as the other sports watchers.
>
> 16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
> remain sober enough to fight.
>
> 17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
> pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
>
> 18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
> longer
> than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
> phone.
> Hang up if necessary.
>
> 19. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a
> friend'
> have carnal, drunken monkey sex and the fact that you're feeling
> weird
> and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before
> the
> discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
>
> 20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
> for
> her to drive yours.
>
> 21. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime,
> green, yellow, orange or sky blue.
>
> 22. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
> Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an
> Xbox 360 or a Playstation. End of story.
>
> 23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
> Gymnastics. Ever.
>
> 24. NEVER wear a man bag to work.
I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>

 

[Rick Muck- Mark IV]

Clause 21 may upset some of you.

> >
> 21. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime,
> green, yellow, orange or SKY BLUE.
>
> <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>

So no Gulf cars then..................

 

[Jack]

So no Gulf cars then..................

At least not until she has earned her "stripes".

 

[WEGENER Engineering]

you guys worry about Gulf cars - I have a much bigger concern. I'm 53 years old and have never, ever heard of a "Dutch Oven".
I may not be a real man...
signed
worried in California

 

[Jac Mac]

you guys worry about Gulf cars - I have a much bigger concern. I'm 53 years old and have never, ever heard of a "Dutch Oven".
I may not be a real man...
signed
worried in California

Dont think its your hearing you need to worry about, but Pete might be able to help with some tips from his vast experience base on how to increase Nostril awareness.

 

[Garry]

The Good Grandpa ....

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just
a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy,
don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were
amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept
your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as
his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- the little shit's name is Steve."

Garry

 

[Brian Hamilton]

you guys worry about Gulf cars - I have a much bigger concern. I'm 53 years old and have never, ever heard of a "Dutch Oven".
I may not be a real man...
signed
worried in California

Honestly? It's when you fart in bed and hold your wife's head under the covers. You have to be stronger than they are though, because they fight like hell. LOL I do it to my wife all the time. LOL Of course, she does it to me too...

Ah, nothing like newlywed bonding eh?