Jokes anyone? -

[Charlie Farley]

Two old guys were shuffling around a supermarket pushing trolleys.
They both came to the end of an aisle and their trolleys hit each other.
After apologising, one said to the other,
" What are you looking for ? "

The other replied " My wife "

" Thats funny " replied the first guy, " i'm looking for my wife too "

" What does she look like ? " said the first guy.

" She' 21 years old, flame red hair , 6' 2" tall, wearing tiny blue shorts
and a figure hugging top " replied the second old guy.

The second guy then asked " What does your wife look like ? "

The first guy replied " Who cares, lets go find your wife ! "

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers. She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear. Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms.""Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

 

[Jim Cowden]

This is one my wife sent me I like it.

Subject: Why men don't write advice columns


Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more
than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I
got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's
daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted
him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for
the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let
go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever
since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He
won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him
anymore.

Can you please help?



Sincerely,
Sheila




-------------------------------------------

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none
of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

 

[Jim Cowden]

A freind told me this one and the way he delivered it made it very funny.

I went to the dentist last week and he is pocking around inside my mouth.
He takes a step back and tells him ,you have to stop masterbating.

Why

Because im finding it very distracting

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'Hi. My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' He replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He replied, 'B. J. Titsengolf'

 

[Al Wohlstrom]

JokesLOL.com: Golf Betrayal

 

[Phil]

Father Murphy wakes up one beautiful Sunday morning, and he really rather play golf than say mass. He calls another priest and fakes his illness and the priest says he will take murphy's place at church.
Father Murphy puts on his golfing clothes grabs his bag, and sneaks out of the rectory driving to a golf course about 40 miles away so as not to be recognized.
AS he tees up on the first hole, a 450 yard par 5, God and St Peter are looking down on him. St peter turns to God and says "You can't let him get away with this, you have to do something". God replies "I guess I do".
Father Murphy hits the ball with tremendous force, it flies a long way, bounces twice, rolls up to the green, and straight into the cup.
St. Peter turns to God and says "I thought you were going to do something?"
God smiles and says "Who's he going to tell?"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was -- -- Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island -- -- but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>
3. She was only a whisky maker -- -- but he loved her still. <o></o>
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class -- -- because it was a weapon of math disruption. <o></o>
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder -- -- and got a little behind in his work. <o></o>
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, -- -- it'll still be stationery. <o></o>
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road -- -- and was cited for littering. <o></o>
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France -- -- would result in Linoleum Blownapart. <o></o>
9. Two silk worms had a race -- -- they ended up in a tie. <o></o>
10. Time flies like an arrow -- -- fruit flies like a banana. <o></o>
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall -- -- the police are looking into it. <o></o>
12. Atheism --- is a non-prophet organisation. <o></o>
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway -- -- One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' <o></o>
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger -- -- then, it hit me <o></o>
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said -- -- ‘Keep off the Grass.' <o></o>
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital -- -- his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' <o></o>
17. A chicken crossing the road -- -- is poultry in motion. <o></o>
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison -- -- was a small medium at large. <o></o>
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray -- -- is now a seasoned veteran. <o></o>
20. A backward poet -- -- writes inverse. <o></o>
21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. -- -- in feudalism, it's your count that votes. <o></o>
22. When cannibals ate a missionary -- -- they got a taste of religion. <o></o>
23. Don't join dangerous cults -- -- practice safe sects!

 

[Mike Inglis]

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)



The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

( I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)



Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)




Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)
Back to top

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

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</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Photo on the Bedside Table <o></o>​

<o></o>

After a long night of making love, <o></o>​

The guy notices a photo of another man, <o></o>​

On the woman's table by the bed.
He begins to worry. <o></o>​

"Is this your husband?" <o></o>​

He nervously asks.

"No, silly," <o></o>​

She replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" <o></o>​

He continues. <o></o>​

"No, not at all," <o></o>​

She says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" <o></o>​

He inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! Oh....You are SO sexy when you're jealous!"
She teases.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" <o></o>​

He demands!!!!

She whispers in his ear <o></o>​

"That's me before the surgery." <o></o>

 

[David Lowe]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short Skirts and thong panties...

One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please", the man says.

The cute little clerk nods, and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf...

The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on, and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but I've got to admit it's Quivering a little."

 

[Neal]

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</td></tr></tbody></table>
"That's me before the surgery." <o></o>

:uhoh2:

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Says it all

 

[Marcus]

Maths problem:

A builder is paid £50 per hour. A company employed 2 builders to install 7 bollards to stop people parking their cars on the footpath. To install a bollard takes 1 hour.

 

[Brian Kissel]

Most people think this really fit the IRS




At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an
inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was
checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of
candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi... 'We save
them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every
now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread wafer purchases? What
do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that
the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable
question. 'We collect them and send them back to the
manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box
of bread-wafers..'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.


'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you dowith all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office,and about once a year they send us a complete dick

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"


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To which Murphy replies,"You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in The f***in' boat"

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the
father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'.


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.

 

[David Lowe]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor
man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with
us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for
a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

'You'll really love my place.

'The grass is almost a foot high'

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig, are walking down a street in Bondi.

Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign thatcatches his eye. The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each,
Trousers $5.00per pair'

Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, andwhin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune. Now whin we go unto theshop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do allthe talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us.I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'llbeck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'

'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

 

[John]

its not often i find one worthy of posting , but this i had to share.


A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.


He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.


'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question
he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
lifted her foot and stomped them flat.



'Well, we're not having any of that gay crap in our garden,' she said

cheers Kaspa