Jokes anyone? -

[John]

its not often i find one worthy of posting , but this i had to share.


A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.


He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.


'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question
he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
lifted her foot and stomped them flat.



'Well, we're not having any of that gay crap in our garden,' she said

cheers Kaspa

 

[Phil]

Ah... the Irish!

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be r^$%* by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off..
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. Andjust think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you knowwhat a 'fressier' is& nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.

 

[Simon]

Surely that could ONLY have been written by an Australian!

:thumbsup:

 

[Marcus]

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

QUOTE]


Pete,

nice one. Think you just forgot one or two things a straight man only sucks on.
Some of those I won´t mention "wink", but in my case please count in Cigars and Pipes as well...

Best,
Marcus

 

[Al Jones]

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Making love to a ghost



http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/Mountain_party


A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said 'Goats'."
​

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[Marcus]

Could that be him? The idiot of the year?

sport.de

 

[Ron Earp]

Could that be him? The idiot of the year?

sport.de

He was a cheater anyhow. He'd never have withstood the tech shed teardown.

R

 

[Brian Kissel]

The best engine

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Best Engine





A notable gynaecologist once said,


"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.

It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so f---ing temperamental."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

*Top Ten Reasons Men might Prefer Guns over Women**

# 10 You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9 You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

# 8 If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7 Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6 Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5 A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4 Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3 A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

# 2 A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.



# 1 You can buy a silencer for a gun!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A TEACHER in a western Sydney school was teaching her children about animals and the noises they make. She asked Susie, “What noise does a duck make?”
Susie quacked at the teacher, who said, “Excellent.”
She then asked Fred, “What noise does a cow make?”
Fred mooed at her and she applauded his effort. Then the teacher asked Johnny, “What noise does a pig make?”
He yelled, “Up against the wall, scumbag!”

 

[Brian Kissel]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him , knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
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The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good,<o></o>
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before<o></o>
you can be accepted."<o></o>
<o></o>
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:<o></o>
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug<o></o>
dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "<o></o>
<o></o>
"Why the rabbit?"<o></o>
<o></o>
"I like your attitude!" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"<o></o>
<o> </o>

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

 

[David Morton]

The Maori and the Gay man.

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[David Morton]

Continued :
"Something about a job?"

 

[David Morton]

Sorry to any Maoris out there !!

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Sorry to any Maoris out there !!

Don't worry Dave they wont get it.:laugh:



The NSW Government and the NSW Greens were presenting an alternative to NSW Farmers for controlling the dingo population.
It seems that after years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.
This was actually proposed to the NSW Farmers and Graziers Association by the NSW Government and the NSW Greens. All of the farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
'Son, I don't think you understand our problem....Those dingos ain't fxxking our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'




A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire!"

 

[Al Jones]

Ladies & Gentlemen, Welcome to the 2008 Contractor Awards.

The Nominees are:

and the winner is...

 

[Keith]

Ladies & Gentlemen, Welcome to the2008 Contractor Awards.

The Nominees are:

and the winner is...

The Red Cross? :worried: