Jokes anyone? -

Nick Brough · Aug 18, 2009

To me occasionally real life in tragic circumstances can still be funny, hope you think the same.

Two stories from occupied Jersey during the second world war.

Firstly a law issued by the Germans soon after occupation.

No citizen is allowed within 10kms of the coast.
Bit difficult that one as there is no point on Jersey that is more than 10kms from the coast

Secondly, a few brave souls tried to escape the island by boat, the majority failed or drowned but some made it. One chap reached England in his very small dingy, after a debrief by the military, he was told he could have his boat back, as soon as he paid the 10 shillings import duty customs had imposed on it!!!!.

Regards

Nick

Pete · Aug 19, 2009

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Pete · Aug 19, 2009

Paddy and Ryan are down at the local having a few Guinesses.

After a few, the subject gets around to preferred sex positions.

Paddy asks Ryan his favourite.

Ryan says "definately the aussie rodeo"

"how's that go" asks Paddy.

"Well you kneel her down, hop around the back and climb on"

"Nothin' special about that" says Paddy.

"Yes but then you reach around and gently cup her boobs and whisper in her ear.......

"Geez they feel lovely, in fact much like your sister's"

Then try and stay aboard for 8 seconds !!

slowhand · Aug 20, 2009

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group ofgolfers in front of them.

The Italian from New Jersey fumed,
'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the f can't they play at night?

Garry

wbmusarra · Aug 20, 2009

With immigrants pouring into our country, I figure we need to all brush up on our Spanish or the Spanish version of our English. Just so you will be ahead of the curve, here are some words for you to practice with:

"Spanish Words of the Day

1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
replies: 'Maria likes me, but cheese fat...'
2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I
shoulder.
4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
6. July MY PERSONAL FAVORITE
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! 'Julyer!'
7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey,
harassment nothing to me.
13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.
14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow?'

Pete · Aug 20, 2009

THE DOT...... FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but

the Indian Embassy has recently revealed the true story..

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won

a convenience store,

a gas station,

a donut shop,

a taxi cab or

a motel in the United States .

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical IT advice.

Pete · Aug 20, 2009

This one needs explaining; Collingwood is an Aussie rules Footy team who's fans traditionally come from the wrong side of the tracks. Collingwood is loved by it's fans and hated by everyone else. Of course when telling this you can substitute Collingwood for the team you hate.

Collingwood Football Club - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Three women with footy-fan husbands are discussing their relationships.
The first says, "My husband follows the Lions and let me tell you our sex life is like one premiership after another."
The second says, "My husband is a Crows man and every night is like the back-to-back victories of 1997 and '98."
They then look at their friend, who hasn't yet said a thing.
"What's wrong," they say as their friend starts sobbing. "Well," she says hesitantly, "my husband supports Collingwood, and all he does is sit on the end of the bed and tell me how wonderful it's going to be."

What's got 100 legs and 4 teeth?
The front row of the Collingwood cheer squad.

What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Collingwood shirt to bed?
You ain't going to score.

How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and make
excuses and Mick Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done
his job in the first place the light bulb would never have
gone out

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "150", and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming, factors, quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool.", and decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
"About a 100," the man responds.
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

</st1:City><st1lace w:st="on">Bathurst</st1lace> 1000, cricket, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and the like.
Really impressed, the man leaves then walks in again.
"What's your IQ?" the robot asks.
"Er, 50, I think."
And the robot responds, very, very slowly, "So, I expect you'll be following Collingwood again this year?"

wbmusarra · Aug 20, 2009

Pete,

All this time I thought that Dot stood for something else. I thought it meant:

"YOU ARE HERE"

Pete · Aug 24, 2009

Grandpa

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels, GT 40's and women with big boobs".

Keith1 · Aug 24, 2009

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

'MOUNT & DO'.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o

></o

>

Keith1 · Aug 24, 2009

A Scottish Soldier in full dress unifor mmarches into a chemists.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.

“Six pence,” says the chemist.

“How much for a new one?”

“Ten pence,”says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.

“We’ll have a new one.

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

David Morton · Aug 24, 2009

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: Brilliant !!
The best for ages - or is that my warped sense of humour ?

marcus · Aug 24, 2009

Tears rolling...

slowhand · Aug 24, 2009

+1 for the regiment!:laugh:
Garry

Pete · Aug 24, 2009

Hahahah +1 Brilliant and possibly a true story.

PDub · Aug 24, 2009

hehehe

TA152 · Aug 25, 2009

My brother sent this to me..

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the
counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher
than GM.

The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into
Mexico .

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

molleur · Aug 25, 2009

Kool!!!!!

brianstewart · Aug 25, 2009

Blonde repayment plan...

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year; "that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!" Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Phil · Aug 25, 2009

A traveling salesman stops in a small town to get a motel, he sees a sign that the circus is in town with a banner that reads "See the amazing Jew". Being intrigued he buys a ticket, enters the tent and sees a small statured older man with a name tag "Morty" standing by a table with three walnuts on it. The lights go down, Morty drops his pants and proceeds to take out the biggest cock the man has ever seen. With three sharp whacks he cracks the walnuts...the crowd goes wild and carries Morty out on their shoulders celebrating his feat.
Some fifteen years go by and the salesman finds himself in the same town, and surprisingly sees the same sign, faded by the years "See the amazing Jew". He can't believe the old man is still alive and doing his act. He buys a ticket, and inside the tent is Morty, standing behind a table, but now there are three coconuts in front of him. The lights go down and once again Morty takes out his member and with three whacks breaks the coconuts.
The salesman is totally amazed, and forces his way through the crowd to talk to Morty.
"Morty, I saw you fifteen years ago, and I can't believe you are still alive and still doing the act, but I must ask why the coconuts now instead of the walnuts"
Morty leans over and says "Oiy, vat did you expect? my eyesight aint what it used to be"

Cheers

Jokes anyone? -

Nick

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

Garry

Bill Musarra

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

Bill Musarra

Pete McCluskey.

Keith

Keith

David Morton

Marcus

Garry

Pete McCluskey.

Paul W

Grady

Jack

Brian Stewart

Phil

Similar threads