Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...
Now give me back my dog.
Garry:shocked:
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...
Now give me back my dog.
Garry:shocked:
A woman is lying on the examination table at her gynecologist's office.
The doctor enters, takes a peek under her gown, and exclaims, "Holy Crap!"
The woman, obviously concerned that something is wrong, asks, "What's the matter?"
The doctor replies, "It's not worth mentioning."
The woman persists, demanding to know what the doctor's comment was referring to.
He eventually relents, apologizing in advance for any offense that might be taken from his observation.
"I'm sorry Madam, but you have the largest vagina that I've seen in 30 years of practicing medicine."
The woman became outraged, threw on her clothes, and stormed out of his office.
When she got home, she wondered whether the doctor was out of line or not, so she put a large mirror on the floor of the bathroom and straddled it. She is standing there naked, looking down at at the reflection her vagina in the mirror. "It's not that big!", she thinks to herself.
Just then her husband walks in and says, "What are you doing Dear?"
"Just exercising", she replies.
On his way out the door the husband says, " Ok, but be careful that you don't fall
into that big hole in the floor!"
The doctor enters, takes a peek under her gown, and exclaims, "Holy Crap!"
The woman, obviously concerned that something is wrong, asks, "What's the matter?"
The doctor replies, "It's not worth mentioning."
The woman persists, demanding to know what the doctor's comment was referring to.
He eventually relents, apologizing in advance for any offense that might be taken from his observation.
"I'm sorry Madam, but you have the largest vagina that I've seen in 30 years of practicing medicine."
The woman became outraged, threw on her clothes, and stormed out of his office.
When she got home, she wondered whether the doctor was out of line or not, so she put a large mirror on the floor of the bathroom and straddled it. She is standing there naked, looking down at at the reflection her vagina in the mirror. "It's not that big!", she thinks to herself.
Just then her husband walks in and says, "What are you doing Dear?"
"Just exercising", she replies.
On his way out the door the husband says, " Ok, but be careful that you don't fall
into that big hole in the floor!"
Charlie Farley
Supporter
Drafting Guys over 60---- obviously written by a Former Soldier-
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b.....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b.....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
What a coincidence, the office President Obama signed the Stimulus Package is the same office in which President Clinton got his Package Stimulated!
Union Rules & Hookers
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house ?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. 'We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'
'That's more like it!' the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'
NOW YOU Know what's wrong with the AUTO industry. And why they want a BAILOUT
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house ?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. 'We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'
'That's more like it!' the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'
NOW YOU Know what's wrong with the AUTO industry. And why they want a BAILOUT
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
ANOTHER LIVERPOOL CLASSIC !
A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'I call them by their surnames!'
A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'I call them by their surnames!'
NEW AUTO CONGLOMERATE BASED IN CHINA SET TO REDEFINE THE GLOBAL AUTOMOTIVE INDUSTRY; SECRET NEGOTIATIONS RESULT IN STUNNING DEAL TO BUY BOTH GENERAL MOTORS AND CHRYSLER.
Stunning choice for CEO.
In another stunning development, Peter M. De Lorenzo, a longtime industry marketing veteran, was named to be the Chairman and CEO of the new company's North American operations - to be renamed Fu-King Motors - which will include the remnants of GM and Chrysler. Mr. De Lorenzo, capping off a controversial ten-year run as the man behind Autoextremist.com - the highly influential industry publication - was a surprise choice by Mr. Fu and Mr. King to lead its new venture.
The full story: Rants - Autoextremist.com ~ the bare-knuckled, unvarnished, high octane truth...
*
*
* Note: It is April 1st, at least in my house!
Stunning choice for CEO.
In another stunning development, Peter M. De Lorenzo, a longtime industry marketing veteran, was named to be the Chairman and CEO of the new company's North American operations - to be renamed Fu-King Motors - which will include the remnants of GM and Chrysler. Mr. De Lorenzo, capping off a controversial ten-year run as the man behind Autoextremist.com - the highly influential industry publication - was a surprise choice by Mr. Fu and Mr. King to lead its new venture.
The full story: Rants - Autoextremist.com ~ the bare-knuckled, unvarnished, high octane truth...
*
*
* Note: It is April 1st, at least in my house!
A Texas Wife"
Three men married wives from different states.
The first man married a woman from California. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from New York. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from TEXAS. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Garry
Three men married wives from different states.
The first man married a woman from California. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from New York. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from TEXAS. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Garry
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
LIQUIDITY
Liquidity: When you look at your investments and wet your pants.
Liquidity: When you look at your investments and wet your pants.
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
IRISH SAUSAGES
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.
Seamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness
and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more
of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I
lost the sausage in.'
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.
Seamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness
and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more
of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I
lost the sausage in.'
Dutton
Lifetime Supporter
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a
penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.'
"Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no
reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex,
if that's what you like, so long as you take
care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get
pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you
think politicians come from?'
She told him that her husband had developed a
penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.'
"Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no
reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex,
if that's what you like, so long as you take
care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get
pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you
think politicians come from?'
A South African mate sent me this story......
This true story happened in Soweto about a month ago.
A man was hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.
The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him.
Suddenly a car stopped next to him. Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realise that there was nobody behind the steering wheel.
The car moved off slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared, he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified.
Just before hitting the curve in the road a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel.
The man, now paralyzed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve. Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see.
Wet and in shock, he went into a shebeen and asked for a double brandy. After drinking it, he told everyone of the horrible experience he just had.
Everyone was silent when they realised he was crying.
About half an hour later, two men came walking into the shebeen and, on seeing the terrified man; the one said to the other, "Mfowetu, isn't that the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it?"
This true story happened in Soweto about a month ago.
A man was hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.
The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him.
Suddenly a car stopped next to him. Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realise that there was nobody behind the steering wheel.
The car moved off slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared, he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified.
Just before hitting the curve in the road a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel.
The man, now paralyzed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve. Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see.
Wet and in shock, he went into a shebeen and asked for a double brandy. After drinking it, he told everyone of the horrible experience he just had.
Everyone was silent when they realised he was crying.
About half an hour later, two men came walking into the shebeen and, on seeing the terrified man; the one said to the other, "Mfowetu, isn't that the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it?"
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney antique shop. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
fficeffice" /><o
></o>
<o></o>
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. <o></o>
<o></o>
He took it to the owner and said, 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied, 'It's $12 for the rat and $100 for the story.'
The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said, 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'<o></o>
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.<o></o>
He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS and they were running faster and faster.<o></o>
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it ............ And were all drowned.<o></o>
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'Hell no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Arabs, a Poof, anything Aboriginal, a Kiwi and a Pakistani spin bowler.'<o></o>
<o></o>
fficeffice" /><o></o><o
></o>After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. <o
></o><o
></o>He took it to the owner and said, 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied, 'It's $12 for the rat and $100 for the story.'
The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said, 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'<o
></o>As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.<o
></o>He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS and they were running faster and faster.<o
></o>By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it ............ And were all drowned.<o
></o>The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'Hell no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Arabs, a Poof, anything Aboriginal, a Kiwi and a Pakistani spin bowler.'<o
></o><o
></o>
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg.
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been
heard or reported:
------------------------------------------------------------------
On a flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings..
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o---
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant
on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---
From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling
with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
---o0o---
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
----o0o---
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind
will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce
that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of
them are on this flight!"
---o0o---
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant
came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o---
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
---o0o---
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o---
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o---
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o---
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying
with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o---
Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
---o0o---
A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a
cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been
heard or reported:
------------------------------------------------------------------
On a flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings..
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o---
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant
on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---
From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling
with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
---o0o---
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
----o0o---
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind
will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce
that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of
them are on this flight!"
---o0o---
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant
came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o---
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
---o0o---
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o---
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o---
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o---
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying
with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o---
Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
---o0o---
A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a
cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles..
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles..
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
"A foolish faith in authority is the worst enemy of truth."
-- Albert Einstein, letter to a friend, 1901
Garry
-- Albert Einstein, letter to a friend, 1901
Garry
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?
SOUTHERN CHARM
Two ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait at the airport in Los Angeles .
The first lady was a typically arrogant Washington,D.C. woman married to a very wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly Southern woman from Alabama . Inevitably, the conversation centered on whether or not they had any children.
The Washington,D.C.woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Now, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Now, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting. "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Now, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried. "Oh, my Heavens! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well, for example, instead of saying, 'Who gives a shit?', I learned to say, 'Now, isn't that precious?'
Garry:shocked:
Two ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait at the airport in Los Angeles .
The first lady was a typically arrogant Washington,D.C. woman married to a very wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly Southern woman from Alabama . Inevitably, the conversation centered on whether or not they had any children.
The Washington,D.C.woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Now, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Now, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting. "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Now, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried. "Oh, my Heavens! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well, for example, instead of saying, 'Who gives a shit?', I learned to say, 'Now, isn't that precious?'
Garry:shocked: