Jokes anyone? -

[Bill Musarra]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet..

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.... The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk,and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

 

[Bill Musarra]

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon.. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?


SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.

SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?


SHE : Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?


SHE : Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you n aked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you n aked, I'd probably die laughing.

 

[Jeremy]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the river near the HOC car park.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their all expenses paid cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase

 

[Jack]

A young Blonde was driving through south Louisiana while on vacation.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, she declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"<o></o>
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"<o></o>
She then headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.<o></o>
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.<o></o>
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.<o></o>
With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.<o></o>
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,<o></o>
"CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"<o></o>

 

[David Morton]

Just had this sent to me.
Looking at the top SIX "disasters" in the world.

6. Piper Alpha Oil Rig - $3.4 Billion

The world ' s worst off-shore oil disaster. At one time, it was the world's single largest oil producer, spewing out 31,000 barrels of oil per day. On July 6, 1988, as part of routine maintenance, technicians removed and checked safety valves which were essential in preventing dangerous build-up of liquid gas. There were 100 identical safety valves which were checked. Unfortunately, the technicians made a mistake and forgot to replace one of them. At 10 PM that same night, a technician pressed a start button for the liquid gas pumps and the world's most expensive oil rig accident was set in motion. Within 2 hours, the 300 foot platform was engulfed in flames. It eventually collapsed, killing 167 workers and resulting in $3.4 Billion in damages.
5. Challenger Explosion - $5.5 Billion

The Space Shuttle Challenger was destroyed 73 seconds after takeoff due on January 28, 1986 due to a faulty O-ring. It failed to seal one of the joints, allowing pressurized gas to reach the outside. This in turn caused the external tank to dump its payload of liquid hydrogen causing a massive explosion. The cost of replacing the Space Shuttle was $2 billion in 1986 ($4.5 billion in today's dollars). The cost of investigation, problem correction, and replacement of lost equipment cost $450 million from 1986-1987 ($1 Billion in today's dollars).

4. Prestige Oil Spill - $12 Billion

On November 13, 2002, the Prestige oil tanker was carrying 77,000 tons of heavy fuel oil when one of its twelve tanks burst during a storm off Galicia , Spain . Fearing that the ship would sink, the captain called for help from Spanish rescue workers, expecting them to take the ship into harbour. However, pressure from local authorities forced the captain to steer the ship away from the coast. The captain tried to get help from the French and Portuguese authorities, but they too ordered the ship away from their shores. The storm eventually took its toll on the ship resulting in the tanker splitting in half and releasing 20 million gallons oil into the sea. According to a report by the Pontevedra Economist Board, the total cleanup cost $12 billion.

3. Space Shuttle Columbia - $13 Billion

The Space Shuttle Columbia was the first space-worthy shuttle in NASA's orbital fleet. It was destroyed during re-entry over Texas on February 1, 2003 after a hole was punctured in one of the wings during launch 16 days earlier. The original cost of the shuttle was $2 Billion in 1978. That comes out to $6.3 Billion in today ' s dollars. $500 million was spent on the investigation, making it the costliest aircraft accident investigation in history. The search and recovery of debris cost $300 million. In the end, the total cost of the accident (not including replacement of the shuttle) came out to $13 Billion according to the American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics.

2. Chernobyl - $200 Billion

On April 26, 1986, the world witnessed the costliest accident in history. The Chernobyl disaster has been called the biggest socio-economic catastrophe in peacetime history. 50% of the area of Ukraine is in some way contaminated. Over 200,000 people had to be evacuated and resettled while 1.7 million people were directly affected by the disaster. The death toll attributed to Chernobyl , including people who died from cancer years later, is estimated at 125,000. The total costs including cleanup, resettlement, and compensation to victims has been estimated to be roughly $200 Billion. The cost of a new steel shelter for the Chernobyl nuclear plant will cost $2 billion alone. The accident was officially attributed to power plant operators who violated plant procedures and were ignorant of the safety requirements needed.

1. Gordon Brown - $300 Billion. Since he came to power Gordon Brown has spent £300 Billion with soaring public spending, together with propping up the banks the ailing economy which he also presided over as Chancellor.

 

[Brian Hamilton]

TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF VS NEW YORK LAWYER

Only in Texas my friends...


A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop', Says the deputy. 'License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

 

[Jack]

Good one Brian!

 

[Keith]

 

[Jack]

Wish we were..........

 

[Gary]

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed;
if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.'
Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress…
But then I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and
trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul
can always depend on the support of Paul…
George Bernard Shaw


A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man
which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
G. Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Douglas Casey

Giving money and power to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P.J. O'Rourke

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastait,French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be
summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes...
I just watch the
government and report the facts.
Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now,
wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of
taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. Voltair(1764)


Just because you do not take an interest in politics
doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe
while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal:
a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
Ronald Reagan


The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress.
-Mark Twain>

What this country needs are more une mployed politicians. -Edward Langley,
Artist (1928 - 1995)

AND …

A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

 

[Brian Hamilton]

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
1 - The woman buys the food.
2 - The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..
3 - The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
4 - The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
5 - THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
6 - The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
7 - The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
8 - THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
9 - The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
10 - After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
11 - Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
12 - The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

 

[Jay V]

The new GM (Government Motors) proudly introduces the 2010 Obama ...

This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.


It comes complete with two Teleprompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations.


The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the "happy" owners.​

 

[Malcolm]

Dang it, that is the new RCR that Fran has been trying to keep under wraps recently!

 

[Jac Mac]

Dang it, that is the new RCR that Fran has been trying to keep under wraps recently!

I dont blame him for keeping it under wraps. That is one that people would never complain about delivery shedules, and happily pay a further premium on completion to NOT deliver it!!

 

[Garry]

Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.' She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a
pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Garry

 

[BOB JONES]

And God said!

God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

'What's a headache?'

 

[Al Jones]

The new GM (Government Motors) proudly introduces the 2010 Obama ...

This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.​

It comes complete with two Teleprompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations.​

The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the "happy" owners.​

Aha!...but it must have been financed by Republicans because if you look closely,you'll see it is "RIGHT" hand drive....

 

[Grady]

Aha!...but it must have been financed by Republicans because if you look closely,you'll see it is "RIGHT" hand drive....

There is something odd....3 wheels...left hand turns...a car designed in California for NASCAR?

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" alt="" 0?><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"><DIV align=center>Pearls of Wisdom<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.<o></o>​

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.<o></o>​

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.<o></o>​

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'<o></o>​

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.<o></o>​

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.<o></o>​

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.<o></o>​

8. Virginity can be cured.<o></o>​

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.<o></o>​

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.<o></o>​

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.<o></o>​

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.<o></o>​

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?

A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.<o></o>​

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......<o></o>​

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?

A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.<o></o>​

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.<o></o>​

17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!​

​

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>​

 

[Al Jones]

You folks in the U.K. have been saying this for a while....well,here it is in the news for sure:
<CITE class=vcard>By Adrian Croft and Frank Prenesti Adrian Croft And Frank Prenesti </CITE>– <ABBR class=timedate title=2009-06-08T15:37:30-0700>Mon Jun 8, 6:37 pm ET</ABBR>
<!-- end .byline -->LONDON (Reuters) – British Prime Minister Gordon Brown beat off a challenge to his authority on Monday, winning over Labour members of parliament ........../
looks like the public is not all he's stroking now.