Jokes anyone? -

slowhand · Aug 22, 2010

A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf.
The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So, the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A man's voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh, yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"Now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So, the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly.
"NO SHIT." He said, "Forty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Garry

David Morton · Aug 23, 2010

5 OF THE BETTER SMART ARSED ANSWERS OF 2009

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated
in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of
Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came
up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got
stuck under it..
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived. The
policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and
said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"

The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran
out of diesel!"

THE BEST SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009 IS:

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of
tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and
asked ,"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to
laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled
at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I
would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

IanAnderson · Aug 26, 2010

Started a new job in a record shop yesterday. A young lad came in and asked, "do you have anything by the Doors"? I said, yes, an alarm and security guard, so don't even think about it and f*ck off

I was at a party last night & the DJ played the song "Sit down" by James Brown, so we all sat down
He then played "Jump", so we all jumped around.
He then played "Come on Eileen"
I got kicked out.

Mate of mine owns a bar in Pakistan, said the flood ruined his business.
But thankfully, he's noticed this week that some of his regulars have started to drift back in.

kevinruthbox · Aug 26, 2010

Mr Burns !!!

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked,' Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.' Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'

George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it..'

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes..'

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time.. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'

George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.

KB

David Morton · Aug 27, 2010

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top>A Yorkshire guy is travelling around the Greek Islands

He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Yorkshire barmaid.
As she takes his order of a pint of Tetley Bitter she notices his
accent

Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her
shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place and although she
is attracted to him, she says no.

He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him. As she is
travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Tetley's and, after
showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again
for £200.

She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy
to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Tetley's but goes and sits in the corner.

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe,
she can shake some more cash out of him.

So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from
in Yorkshire ‘ Leeds ’ he tells her ‘So am I, what part?’ She enquires,
‘Headingley’ he replies

‘That's amazing’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I - what street?’

‘ Boycott Street ’ he replies

‘That is unbelievable....’ She says, her voice quivering. ‘What
number?’

‘Number 20’ he replies,

She is totally astonished. ‘You are not going to believe this’
she screams, ‘but I'm from number 22! My parents still live
there’

‘I know’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you’

HE WHO DRINKS YORKSHIRE, THINKS YORKSHIRE !
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

IanAnderson · Aug 27, 2010

These are actual comments made by 16 American Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around The States:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

IanAnderson · Aug 27, 2010

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

IanAnderson · Aug 27, 2010

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the

pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the

counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the

course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies.

If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how

well it works, your round of golf is on me today." The golfer obviously accepted the

man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself,

"I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said,

"No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly,

the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed

about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to

the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said,

"I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and

said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last

time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck

didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the

assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man

behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far,

the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your

robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering,

he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one

of those robot golf caddies, please." The gentleman from behind the counter turned to

the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the

robots. We had too many complaints." "COMPLAINTS? Who could have complained

about those robots? They were incredible" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't

their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting

off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway." The golfer said, "So then why didn't

you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of

'em didn't show up for work, two filed for benefits, one of them robbed the pro shop, and

the other thinks he's the President."

Conquest351 · Aug 27, 2010

OOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooh no he di-nt!!!!

Jay Vickers · Aug 30, 2010

The Pope and Obama are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Obama and said, "Do you know that with a
little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild
with joy? This joy will not be momentary, but go deep into their hearts
so that, for the rest of their lives, whenever they think of this day
they will rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that you can do all that with one
little wave of your hand. Show me."

The Pope then slapped him.

Keith1 · Aug 30, 2010

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<o

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'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
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To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy. '
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He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.
<o

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He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol . This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy
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At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Willy from school and get dinner.
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David Morton · Aug 30, 2010

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior ctizens center and hang around with guys of a similar age.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said "are you nuts? You're 73 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

David Morton · Aug 31, 2010

I can only list this under jokes. Just think - you might be sharing the same bit of road with this person.
Video: Too much space to park? - Autoblog UK

David Morton · Aug 31, 2010

Pilot Philosophy

The difference between a duck and a co-pilot?
The duck can fly.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.

The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.

Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

New FAA motto:
'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'

I give that landing a 9 . .on the Richter scale.

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son. This is where the food is."

The three best things in life are:
A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.
A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

=

IanAnderson · Sep 2, 2010

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen
crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for
them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he
was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would

happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to

announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me

the crabs, in New Orleans , please raise your hand."

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

Pete · Sep 2, 2010

Bruce was arrested for punching his wife again.

The Judge asked him; "Why do you keep beating her?

Bruce answered: "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and

superior footwork.."

David Morton · Sep 6, 2010

Ken and Edna

Ken and his wife Edna went to the air show every year.

And every year Ken would say,

'Edna, I'd just love a ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid,

And fifty quid is fifty quid !!!!'

One year Ken and Edna went to the show, and Ken said,

'Edna, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride in that helicopter now, who knows, I might never get another chance'

Edna replied,

"Ken you know that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty quid.'

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Ken replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know,

"Fifty quid is fifty quid!'

IanAnderson · Sep 8, 2010

The Irish sheep dog trials took place this week.

2 were found guilty and one was acquitted

Pete · Sep 9, 2010

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

Nick Brough · Sep 11, 2010

The Pastor's Ass....

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and It won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey

That he entered it in the Race

Again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of

Publicity that he ordered the

Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline

Read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he

Ordered the pastor to get

Rid Of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a

Nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted

The following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to

Get rid of the donkey, so she

Sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he

Ordered the nun to buy back the

Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is: Being

Concerned about public opinion can

Bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your Life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and

You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Jokes anyone? -

Garry

David Morton

Ian Anderson

Kevin Box

David Morton

Ian Anderson

Ian Anderson

Ian Anderson

Brian Hamilton

I'm on the verge of touching myself inappropriatel

Jay V

Keith

David Morton

David Morton

David Morton

Ian Anderson

Pete McCluskey.

David Morton

Ian Anderson

Pete McCluskey.

Nick

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