I wish that was true, but...snopes.com: Bounced Check Complaint
Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fookin' boat."
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fookin' boat."
David Lowe
Lifetime Supporter
Finally together:
Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.
Then Ted died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Judy remarried, and this time
She & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her..
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel (a friend of Judy's) leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel.."
Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.
Then Ted died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Judy remarried, and this time
She & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her..
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel (a friend of Judy's) leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel.."
My apologies to our Italian friends....
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia,
Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia ,
she pack a biga basket a food.
She brough at da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward
to da trip,
and open upa da luncha basket .
The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car.
Musta use a dining car.'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car,
eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car!
Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore,
he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a
smokina car.'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We
just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da
hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..
'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."
--
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Garry
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia,
Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia ,
she pack a biga basket a food.
She brough at da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward
to da trip,
and open upa da luncha basket .
The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car.
Musta use a dining car.'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car,
eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car!
Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore,
he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a
smokina car.'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We
just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da
hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..
'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."
--
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Garry
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
Here in the UK we have3 our share of Quiz shows and it would seem we have our share of total nerds as well. Here is a sample:
Subject: Brain of Britain
Priceless Brain of Britain
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with
you
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand
and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What
A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France.
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the
Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books
about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality
of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO�MANCHESTER)
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. .. ..
Richard: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . ....
Richard: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona.
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific.
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous
painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I
can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ..... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er. ... ..
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Subject: Brain of Britain
Priceless Brain of Britain
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with
you
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand
and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What
A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France.
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the
Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books
about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality
of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO�MANCHESTER)
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. .. ..
Richard: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . ....
Richard: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona.
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific.
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous
painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I
can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ..... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er. ... ..
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:
Blimey?
I am not sure if anyone heard this one. A woman just not getting it on a radio quiz.
HYPNOTISM AT THE SENIOR CENTRE
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the
light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred
pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center!
Garry
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the
light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred
pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center!
Garry
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
<TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%; mso-cellspacing: 1.5pt; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #f0f0f0; BORDER-LEFT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; BORDER-TOP: #f0f0f0; BORDER-RIGHT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top> A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Hilarious but beware some are x rated Do not read further if you are likely to be offended
85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower.............................. the other 15% haven't been to prison yet.
Just bought a racehorse called "My Face". It may not be any good but I cant wait to hear all the women in crowd screaming 'Come on, .. My Face'.
Two Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy "that's the best sex I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?"
the best till last
If mothers celebrate Mothers Day, fathers celebrate Fathers Day, lovers celebrate Valentines day, do wankers celebrate Palm Sunday ?
Just popped home, caught the plumber with his dick in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything ! .. They said the bastard was Corgi registered.
Are you available to come to a charity competition on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and ingredients, they just need a tosser !
The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are now warning us about the dangers of minge drinking.
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildo's. Unfortunately he's has a lot of trouble with squatters !
85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower.............................. the other 15% haven't been to prison yet.
Just bought a racehorse called "My Face". It may not be any good but I cant wait to hear all the women in crowd screaming 'Come on, .. My Face'.
Two Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy "that's the best sex I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?"
the best till last
If mothers celebrate Mothers Day, fathers celebrate Fathers Day, lovers celebrate Valentines day, do wankers celebrate Palm Sunday ?
Just popped home, caught the plumber with his dick in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything ! .. They said the bastard was Corgi registered.
Are you available to come to a charity competition on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and ingredients, they just need a tosser !
The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are now warning us about the dangers of minge drinking.
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildo's. Unfortunately he's has a lot of trouble with squatters !
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
iStuff
Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my
daughter an I-POD for hers .
I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an I-PAD for Father's day.
Got my wife an I-RON for her birthday.
It was around then the fight started......
Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my
daughter an I-POD for hers .
I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an I-PAD for Father's day.
Got my wife an I-RON for her birthday.
It was around then the fight started......
Peter Delaney
GT40s Supporter
A Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
fficeffice" /><o> </o>
'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not!
fficeffice" /><o> </o>The Value of a Drink
'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not!
Eagles mate for life ???
Did you know that Eagles mate for life?
Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ........ 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
NO, The duck didn't say THAT !
... ~ Don't be SO disgusting!
The duck said....
'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!
.
Did you know that Eagles mate for life?
Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ........ 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
NO, The duck didn't say THAT !
... ~ Don't be SO disgusting!
The duck said....
'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!
.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
The Value of a Drink
'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not!
As W. C. Fields said
"It was a woman who drove me to drink............................................................and I never thanked her!!!!"
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
The answers to some of life's secrets
THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.. But when they go,
they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch....
BONUS QUESTION:
Q: What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection.. and breaking his nose!
Nominated as the world's best short joke..
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied.
Pat
Supporter
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by
a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...
"Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it
wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will
personally eat the remainder!''
The old lady stepped back and said, Well, let me go and get you a fork,
cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...
"Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it
wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will
personally eat the remainder!''
The old lady stepped back and said, Well, let me go and get you a fork,
cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
The nuns gathered, around her trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused so one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bedside she again held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you pass on to a better place."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said "Don't sell that cow!"
The nuns gathered, around her trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused so one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bedside she again held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you pass on to a better place."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said "Don't sell that cow!"
