Jokes anyone? -

[Ian Anderson]

And some Offensive ones!



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Tony Blair has admitted he was once a borderline alcoholic.

Imagine the feeling waking up hungover, realising you've invaded Iraq.



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Shortbread... They're not making it any longer



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"prostitute", a woman who has sex with someone for money.........

so colleen started fuckin him cause hes handsome then



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Ladies. . . Sum a ya'll need to ask yourself this question,

Why the hell would Mr Right and all his amazing qualities want to be stuck with you?



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Note to Wayne: If she's going to sell her fanny, she's going to sell her story.



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I went to the game and saw a Mexican wave, so I waved back at him.



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It's a lovely day here at Lord's. Pakistan have won the toss and decided to bet.



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Well its coming to that time of year again when we have to put our clocks back.
I'm putting mine back to 1920, when we had no Pakis!



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My girlfriend has been diagnised as having paranoid schizophreinia. Poor cow. I've managed to convince her that her 3 times a day medication comes straight from my ballbags.



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Was sat drinking a mug of hot milk earlier, when I thought...

Gotta get a better fridge.



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William Hauge: "I hope I have nailed rumors about sexuality."

Well, I don't know about the rumors, but he certainly has nailed something.



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Just been to the gym and had a go on one of their new machines. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick, it's good though, it does everything: Kit-kats, mars bars, snickers, twix.. .............



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Shagged a girl with a stutter last night. I was lucky. I just managed to finish before she said no.



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The French Government announced today that it is enforcing a ban on the use of fireworks at Disneyland Paris.Â
The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists .



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My wife is 2 weeks overdue with our first child so we're trying everything to get things moving.

Apparently the best thing is spicy food and an orgasm. I love that. It must have been a bloke who came up with that. Curry and a good shag. I'm hoping the little fucker stays in there, I'm having a great time.



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Being ginger and a bit meticulous, I always order exactly the same thing whenever I go into a restaurant?

A table for one.



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If sex is such good exercise, Why do you get fat slags?



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I know a lot of very clever jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over peoples heads.



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I've invented this amazing app for the iPhone.

Its called iWantToStopBeingAnAnnoyingPrick
Trouble is nobody with an Iphone seems to want it.



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Today my wife bought me home a 24 case of Stella. So technically she is self harming.



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The hardest part about my grandmother's death was making it look like an accident.



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Just Do It:

A good tagline for Nike, a bad one for the Samaritans.



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At first God created man... and then he had a better idea... He created a slave for man



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I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.



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I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. Although what the daft bastard wants with an ex box I'll never know.



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I always keep emergency flares in my car .

You never know when you're gonna be invited to a 70s disco.



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Wayne Rooney said his escort did this thing that had a huge impact on his life.

I believe it was `fucking it up`



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Nike.. Just do it.
Wayne Rooney and Tiger Woods did.



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Paddy's missus said she wanted a rape alarm, so at 5.30 this morning he put tape over her mouth, held her down, violently fucked her and whispered, "time to get up!"



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When I was born I didn't get a birth certificate just an apology letter from Durex.



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Just opened a Skydiving school for disabled people.

Calling it ''Downs to Earth'' wasn't the greatest idea though



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Wayne Rooney's sponsors will stick by him. Spokesmen from Durex, Yellow Pages and Travelodge insist he's done nothing wrong.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

 

[David Morton]

Trying to insert a picture.....

 

[David Lowe]

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned.
The Genie says, 'Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want.'
The Mexican begins thinking, 'Well, I really like drinking tequila.' Finally the Mexican says, 'I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila.'
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, 'Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!'
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses.
The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, ' Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila.'
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, 'But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?'
Pancho raises the glass and says,
'BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE.'

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A mate of mine applied for a job as a Farrier. When asked how much experience he had at shoeing horses he replied "not much, but I once told a donkey to fuck off".

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Suicide bombers to go on strike


Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the
afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an
agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%
this February, from 72 to only 60.
The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of
suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs
(BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members
and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir
told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in
the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like
this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize
with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet
their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day
Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity there is now
a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice
between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting
wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able
to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the Union in the northeast of England, Ireland, Wales, and
the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect
their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to
the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know
what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>

 

[Ian Anderson]

Every medical problem explained


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy ?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.








CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[Garry]

+1 Ian! LOL!
Garry

 

[David Morton]

At the regular Sunday morning service,Greek Father George announced that hewas planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave,because he is so popular.

Costa, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims "If Father George stays, I will provide himwith a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, totransport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Dimitri, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says,"If Father George will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for hischildren!"

More sighs and loud applause

Maria, age 68, stands and announces with a smile, "If Father George stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

Father George, blushing, asks her:"Maria, you're a wonderful and holylady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Maria’s 70-year old husband, Vasillis, is now trying to hide, holding hisforehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side toside, while his wife replied,

"Well, I just asked my husband how wecould help, and he said: "Fuck him."

 

[Keith]

Holy crap David, that's just plain racist man! :stunned:

Anyway, as y'all know we have many Pakistani gentlemen here in the UK, and a lot of them drive taxis and perform a very useful function as a result.

And, they prove to be very astute business-wise as demonstrated in this little storyette about a hardworking cabby from, er Bradord.

A stark-naked drunken woman jumped into a vacant cab.

The Pakistani driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He makes no attempt to start the car.

"What's wrong with you, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

"Well if your not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where are you keeping the money to be paying me with."

 

[Ian Anderson]

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6 In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

 

[Garry]

LOL! +1 Ian!
Garry

 

[David Morton]

Prostate check-up...

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great".<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>

<I>Now turn over on</I><I>your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99 again.

<I>The doctor said, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.”</I>

<I>The old guy begins, one....two......three.....</I>
</I>

 

[Keith]

The Boss

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
"You Can be The Boss inYour Own House"



He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."

 

[Grady]

You meet the nicest people plying golf

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf . One teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

 

[Keith]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.


The man said to the dentist,

"Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'


The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."


So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"


The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him..."

 

[David Morton]

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.” So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."” So the good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

 

[Keith]

I'll see your snowplough David and raise you 50p..

Jewish Divorce...



A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff !

All he wants is sex, sex and more sex,my vagina is now the size of
A 50 pence piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 pence piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire
businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari
you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and

you want to throw all that away over 45 pence?"

 

[JimmyMac]

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back on track

 

[David Morton]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.


The audience was different each week so the magician did the same
tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers
under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after
all,the captain's parrot.


Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board.


The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in
the
middle of the sea, as fate would have it .. with the parrot.


They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.


This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days ..

On the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer
and said.............

"OK, I give up. Where's the f**#ing ship?"