Jokes anyone? -
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Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his
new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a
pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too
personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur
lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the
sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following
letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a
pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too
personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur
lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the
sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following
letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
Top Ten Country Western Songs.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
I SOOOOO hope this is true.......
Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle recently;
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
and so easy to see it happening - customer service being what it is today!
A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.
A family member phoned the MBNA Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in September.'
MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'
MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member:
'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the
credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
MBNA:
'Excuse me?'
Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?'
MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'
MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:
'No, I'm her grandson' (Lawyer info given)
MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.' (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her, I don't think she will care.'
MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'
MBNA:
'That might help.'
Family Member:
' Heaton Cemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'
MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang.
Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle recently;
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
and so easy to see it happening - customer service being what it is today!
A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.
A family member phoned the MBNA Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in September.'
MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'
MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member:
'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the
credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
MBNA:
'Excuse me?'
Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?'
MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'
MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:
'No, I'm her grandson' (Lawyer info given)
MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.' (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her, I don't think she will care.'
MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'
MBNA:
'That might help.'
Family Member:
' Heaton Cemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'
MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Education....
A man is stopped by the police at <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
midnight</st1:time> and asked where he’s going. “I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.” The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife”, comes the reply:evil:
A man is stopped by the police at <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
“My wife”, comes the reply:evil:
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.
Mum said, "You should say "No" -they only want to look at your knickers.."
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
Mum said, "You should say "No" -they only want to look at your knickers.."
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I'm 96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I'm 96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
and a half tablet stops you rolling out of bed.......
Now we're getting somewhere. Not jokes, but useful tips for senior GT40 owners.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years..
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night..
Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...
By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.
.............................................................................................................................
UCLA STUDY
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has
revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to
men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal,
she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in
his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night..
Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...
By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.
.............................................................................................................................
UCLA STUDY
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has
revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to
men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal,
she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in
his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject.
AP news:
Local Police say someone broke into the Police Station and stole all of the station's toilets. Police investgators say they have nothing to go on.......................................
Local Police say someone broke into the Police Station and stole all of the station's toilets. Police investgators say they have nothing to go on.......................................
Chores.....
A little 11yr. old boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.
Well, he's a little annoyed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig
He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says:
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?
A little 11yr. old boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.
Well, he's a little annoyed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig
He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says:
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?
The first task of the Chilean miners after their release is to visit Anfield to advise Roy Hodgson on how to get out of a bloody big hole before Christmas.
A tall muscular man walks into a bar and a lady recognises him as a famous rugy player. They start to talk and eventually go back to her place.
They start to kiss and he takes of his shirt. He's got REEBOK tattooed on his arm. What's that for she asks. That's so when I am on TV people can see it and Reebok pay me.
He takes of his trousers and he's got NIKE tattooed on his leg. What's that she asks. Same as the Reebok, I get paid when it's seen on TV.
He drops his pants and he has got AIDS tattooed on his penis. She screams don't tell me you've got aids.
No calm down he said, it will say ADIDAS in a minute.
A tall muscular man walks into a bar and a lady recognises him as a famous rugy player. They start to talk and eventually go back to her place.
They start to kiss and he takes of his shirt. He's got REEBOK tattooed on his arm. What's that for she asks. That's so when I am on TV people can see it and Reebok pay me.
He takes of his trousers and he's got NIKE tattooed on his leg. What's that she asks. Same as the Reebok, I get paid when it's seen on TV.
He drops his pants and he has got AIDS tattooed on his penis. She screams don't tell me you've got aids.
No calm down he said, it will say ADIDAS in a minute.
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
Mildly funny:
YouTube - Helicopters vs. Jets
YouTube - Helicopters vs. Jets
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
A Jewish man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Motorway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got no insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife. IF you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day,
"So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen"
"So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen"
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Coincidentally I knew a bloke who had a similar problem, which the surgeon solved by grafting about nine inches of elephant trunk in place.
Everything was fine until the first time he went into a bar.
His new penis leapt out of his trousers grabbed the peanuts and started shoving them up his arse.
Everything was fine until the first time he went into a bar.
His new penis leapt out of his trousers grabbed the peanuts and started shoving them up his arse.
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said,
" So why are you here ? "
The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "
" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab..
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ? "
The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets..
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired..
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said..
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"
The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said,
" So why are you here ? "
The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "
" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab..
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ? "
The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets..
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired..
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said..
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"
The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "
