Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
That was a bit lost on me. Maybe it's a sign of advancing years.
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
Sorry Jack - not this evening, though the facebook thing went zooming over my head. I'm sure it might mean something to someone, but not to me.
I'm glad it's not just me.:cry:
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
ITALIAN NURSING HOME
--------------------
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home.
All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful" says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone"
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdullah says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!
There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!
and me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F*$£ing Arab'."
--------------------
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home.
All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful" says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone"
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdullah says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!
There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!
and me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F*$£ing Arab'."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
I tested facebook for three weeeks ....phaaaarrrk what a puerile load of Shiite(not the Muslim kind) I do think the joke sums it up though, I'll send it to all my new facebook friends.
Don't worry Brian,
I got it and thought it was V. funny
(maybe its because I'm a computer geek) :blank:
Graham.
Don't worry Brian,
I got it and thought it was V. funny
(maybe its because I'm a computer geek) :blank:
Graham.
Or young like what I is init.
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.''
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.
'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.''
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.
'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'
Ron Earp
Admin
Good one.
Charlie Farley
Supporter
In 1943, Earl was detailed to head over the Atlantic Ocean, to England, with his Army unit.
His Father , before he died , had always told him about an old Indian who lived outside the
town and had an amazing power of recollection. He had never visited the Indian and vowed
that before he headed off to fight in Europe, he would pay him a visit.
Tentatively, he knocked on the shack's door. After a minute, the door opened and this elderly
Indian asked what he wanted. Earl recounted what his Father had told him and the Indian smiled.
Thinking on his feet, Earl asked " Sir, what did you have for breakfast on Independance Day 1901 ? "
" Eggs " came the reply. Earl thanked the Indian and headed home.
Well Earl endured the invasion of Sicily, fought his way up Italy and endured his fair share of danger.
Unfortunately, in early 1945 Earl suffered shrapnel wounds and was sent back to the USA on a hospital ship.
He was transported to a hospital near his home and took three months to recover, before being discharged.
Once home, after some months, he decided to pay the old Indian another visit.
Again he knocked on the shack's door and again the Indian opened the door.
" How ! " said Earl, " over easy " replied the Indian.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks:
'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, ‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says: 'A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains: 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies:
'Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says:
'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
.................................................................................................................................
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Aiport for New York ,
and taking his seat as he settled in , he noticed a very beautiful Woman
boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took
the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to The annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the
Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed. "I'm sorry, l do
apologise"
She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks:
'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, ‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says: 'A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains: 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies:
'Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says:
'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
.................................................................................................................................
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Aiport for New York ,
and taking his seat as he settled in , he noticed a very beautiful Woman
boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took
the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to The annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the
Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed. "I'm sorry, l do
apologise"
She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Sleeping with Bob
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,
because he snored so badly... They decided it wasn't fair to make one
of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the
roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a
man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man,
what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and
watched me all night."
Garry:shifty:<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,
because he snored so badly... They decided it wasn't fair to make one
of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the
roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a
man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man,
what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and
watched me all night."
Garry:shifty:<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o
></o>
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
This guy develops a terrible flatulence problem.
Just can't stop farting all day and all night no matter what.
Goes to the Doc who says drop your trousers and we'll check.
Doc leaves then returns with a long pole with a big hook on the end.
Patient is very alarmed and says "whoa there, what are you doing with that"
Doc - "Opening the windows".
..................................................................................................................
The bells are not always audible!!
John was in the fertilised egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Just can't stop farting all day and all night no matter what.
Goes to the Doc who says drop your trousers and we'll check.
Doc leaves then returns with a long pole with a big hook on the end.
Patient is very alarmed and says "whoa there, what are you doing with that"
Doc - "Opening the windows".
..................................................................................................................
The bells are not always audible!!
John was in the fertilised egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Last edited:
Paul Thompson 'Hooligan'
Admin
PUNS FOR THE MORE INTELLECTUAL...
Sorry if posted previously, last one is my fave...
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you would be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
2 more to go for '2000'....... keep them coming...
Sorry if posted previously, last one is my fave...
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you would be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
2 more to go for '2000'....... keep them coming...
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie dolls in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
