Jokes anyone? -

Pete · Sep 12, 2011

Bob stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again,
but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner Jim asked,
‘What the heck is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,'
Bob explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion Jim said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.

Pete · Sep 12, 2011

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood
pub (Bluey's) late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving
the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there
for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine
dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and
then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At
last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the
road.. The young Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the
man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's
intoxication.

The young Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police
station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

Mark Pickford · Sep 12, 2011

Brilliant! but soo wrong.

David Morton · Sep 12, 2011

For those of you NOT in the UK the following would be a waste of your time reading it. As for sense of HUMOUR - it would be totally wasted.

For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this is English humour at its best -

Right at the end of the programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games - the cheapest £60 and £100 per game is common.

An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstile (it was probably West Ham United or Queen's Park Rangers) to be told "That will be 10 Quid Mate".

"What!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"

The guy on the turnstile said ............ "Not for 45 minutes each way you wouldn't - And a brass band in the Interval!"

As the pips sounded on the hour John Humphries could be heard in stitches, laughing.

Al Wohlstrom · Sep 12, 2011

This is funny.

Bob Hope on Zombies and Democrats - YouTube

molleur · Sep 12, 2011

David Morton heed this:

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally,
and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o

></o

>
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.<o

></o

>

Charlie Farley · Sep 12, 2011

Molleur,

I'm taking your advice, repeatedly, Hic !
( Now where's that corkscrew ? )

molleur · Sep 12, 2011

Corkscrews take too long, use the twisty cap types, they work faster too.

Charlie Farley · Sep 12, 2011

Grasshopper : Ah you are always so right Master....

Keith1 · Sep 14, 2011

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So, I went into this bar and approached the beautiful Maxine sitting by herself and I ask, "May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you," Maxine replied, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that" I sympathised, "do they swell?"

Maxine looked embarrassed for a moment and whispered,

"No, they spread"

Pete · Sep 14, 2011

- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 98%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

molleur · Sep 14, 2011

On a condition to marraige, I don't clean windows or mow the grass.
Her birthday was today so I bought her a new carburetor and air cleaner for her lawn mower.
No joke, true!

IanAnderson · Sep 15, 2011

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words with missing letters?

1. F_ _K
2. S_X
3. P_N_S
4. BOO_S
5. _ _NDOM

see below

Answers:

1. FORK
2. SIX
3. PANTS
4. BOOKS
5. RANDOM

You got all five wrong didn't you?

Well, Congratulations!
You don't have Alzheimer's but you might be a pervert...

mikegaan · Sep 15, 2011

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he
> turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you
> strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
>
> The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the
> total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
>
> "Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming ,
> universal health care , or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
>
> "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
> question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
> grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
> patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
>
>
> The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
> thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
>
>
> To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
> discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you
> don't know shit?"
>
> And then she went back to reading her book.

Keith1 · Sep 20, 2011

In "honour" of the very dubious Martin McGuinness and his cringeworthy attempt to be elected President of Ireland, I make no apologies for posting the following racially motivated joke

IRISH DIESEL FITTER
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto
ladies' knickers and t'ongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and t'ongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

marcus · Sep 27, 2011

The Italian man who went to Malta:

The Italian Man Who went to Malta. - YouTube

Keith1 · Sep 27, 2011

Very good Marcus! :thumbsup:

Pete · Sep 29, 2011

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of their best, top shelf. He starts shootin em one after another til they're all gone. Amazed, the bartender ask "What's the occasion?"
"First blow job" the man replies
"Well" continues the bartender, "Here's another one, on the house"
The man looks up at the bartender and says "No, thanks. If the first 10 didn't get the taste out my mouth, I don't think the next one will either.

David Morton · Sep 29, 2011

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
She said, "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,

"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Mark Pickford · Sep 29, 2011

hahahaha

Jokes anyone? -

Pete McCluskey.

Pete McCluskey.

Mark

David Morton

Al Wohlstrom

Jack

Charlie Farley

Jack

Charlie Farley

Keith

Pete McCluskey.

Jack

Ian Anderson

Mike

Keith

Marcus

Keith

Pete McCluskey.

David Morton

Mark

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