Jokes anyone? -

Ron Poast

Supporter
Hilda and Lena went on a trip to Italy. They were walking around and looking at all the wonderful statues of the naked men. Hilda said those Italian men sure have big testicles. Lena said Ya, da cold too.





I guess I better get to work on the 40 and leave this computer alone!!!!!
 

Keith

Moderator
Hilda and Lena went on a trip to Italy. They were walking around and looking at all the wonderful statues of the naked men. Hilda said those Italian men sure have big testicles. Lena said Ya, da cold too.





I guess I better get to work on the 40 and leave this computer alone!!!!!

Yes, after that joke, I think you better had! :laugh:
 
A sensitive wogg


A woman meets a wogg in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine wogg
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this wogg
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The wogg gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:

'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'
 

Ron Poast

Supporter
A guy walks into a House of ill repute looking for a little fun for the evening. The head lady says all of the girls are busy for the evening but we have a ten foot chicken that has been very popular. The guy thinks for a while and figures, what the hey, I don't have anything else to do tonight so I'll give it a try. Well it was pretty good so he went back the next week and asked for the chicken again. The head lady said the chicken was busy but he could watch a couple lezzeys going at it while sitting behind a 1 way mirror. While sitting there he said to the guy next to him, you now this is not half bad. The guy said yeh but you should have been here last week because there was some guy in there with a ten foot chicken.
 

Ron Poast

Supporter
Same guy, same place, all the girls busy again. The madam said we have an old gal here with a glass eye and she will take it out for you and you can put it in there. He gave it a try and it was pretty good. He said to the old gal, can I come back again some time? She said ,sure, I'll keep an eye out for you sonny.




Wife even thought this one was funny. maybe I have a bent sense of humor.
 

Mike Pass

Supporter
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
 
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The Bagpiper

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never
pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before,
…..and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
 

Rick Muck- Mark IV

GT40s Sponsor
Supporter
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Lets ruin the joke: No "5.0 Ecoboost", just 2.7 and 3.5 and NO manual transmissions on ANY Ford trucks anymore including the 2016 F650/750 medium duty trucks. The "take rate" was so low they don't want to spend for the EPA certification.
 
Apologies for the offense my joke caused, should have known it was factually incorrect got it of a Republican, Personally I think it's Obama's fault :)
 
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