Jokes anyone? -

[Jack]

For my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.
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His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on.

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?

THAT , Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.

 

[Larry L.]

^^^ I don't care WHO ya are, 'at thar's FUNNY right thar!!! ^^^ (Apologies to Larry the Cable guy...)

'Shot coffee out of my nose on that'un!

 

[Larry L.]

Young Chuck, moved to Texas...
...and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.

 

[Jack]

Priceless Larry!

 

[Robert May Eng.]

IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR
A little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"
The Irishman says:
"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"

 

[David Morton]

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no idea they had a job centre!

 

[Jack]

Priceless David!

 

[David Morton]

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?
Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of nowhere!

 

[Robert May Eng.]

NHS Proposals


The Royal College of Medicine has weighed in on Prime Minister David
Cameron's health care proposals for the National Health Service.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not
To make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but
The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians
Said, "Oh, Grow up."

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands
Of the whole thing.

The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn't swallow it, it did not smell
Right, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and
The Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the
Matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
Pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but
The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up
To the arseholes in Whitehall.

 

[Nick]

The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic levels

 

[David Morton]

A Wife says to her husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk".
The husband replies "Thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab".

 

[Larry L.]

The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic levels

"...says a lot about anticipated traffic levels" and possibly the level of personal effort needed to get there as well.

 

[Larry L.]

Texas Attitude...
One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing to jump.
(fixin' in Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action).
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said : 

Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father.
He replied. My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said. Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children.
He replied, I'm not married and I don't have any kids.
She said, Well, then you just remember the Alamo.
He replied, What's the Alamo?

She replied Well. bless your heart! You just go ahead and jump.
You little Yankee Obama lovin' Democrat Bastard. You're holding up traffic.

 

[Nick]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for
TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

 

[Ron Poast]

The police were called to the local park for a horrible fight going on. When the cop got there he asked the first guy, why are you two fighting. He said, Well, I was walking along the trail here when a gal whispered at me from the bushes. She said I will take you on for seven dollars a inch. This guy came along and stepped on my ass and ran my bill up to forty two dollars.

 

[David Morton]

1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, “We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

10. Lastly---IF YOU GET AN EMAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON", DON'T OPEN IT. IT CONTAINS A NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON!

 

[Stephen Ducker]

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS


Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

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Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

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Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

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At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

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Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

The customer says, "Female"

The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

The customer says, "White"

The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

The counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"



Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?

A. Bisexual.



Q. How do Muslims practice safe sex?

A. They mark the camels that kick.



Q. What do Tehran and Hiroshima have in common?

A. Nothing, yet.



Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
A. A pimp.

 

[Nick]

I resemble that remark.

 

[Robert May Eng.]

Saw this shop the other day so decided to have a look inside, almost immediately two men dressed in dresses came over and asked what I wanted, I said 'Do you have a copy of the book on Great Britain's policy regarding deportation of immigrants? One of the gentlemen said, "Fuck off get out and never come back", I said "yes, that's the one, how much?"

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