Jokes anyone? -

K

Keith

Moderator
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--> Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
 
G

Robert May Eng.

There are only ten timesin history where the"F"word has been considered acceptable for use.
​

They are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877​

​
7. "Any @#$%ing idiot
could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938​

​
6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926​

​
5. "How the @#$%
did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC​

​
4. "You want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566​

​
3. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937​

​
2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC​

​
1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998​
 
L

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe,

are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?"
Abe replies,"I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.

" He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies,

"I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.

"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews
 
M

Jack

Valentines Day

A husband came home and his wife was mad, he asked what's wrong, and she said for the last 10 years you've gotten nothing but bad valentines day gifts.
He said he was trying and always thought he got what she'd like.
She said no, none of the gifts have been good. I want something exceptional this year.
He said what would you like and I'll get it.
She said she wanted something exotic and would go from 0 to 200 in about 10 seconds.
He thought about it and came up with the perfect gift.
Valentines day came around and she was all excited when he got home and asked well where's my gift?
He said it's right out there in the garage. She was so excited she didn't know what to say.
She opened the door and there was a scale.
The husband hasn't been seen since.​
 
5

Mike Drew

Naval Sensitivity Training



A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.



One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff



The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"



The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."



The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.



The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."



The Admiral threw him out also.



The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.



"Do you notice anything different about me?"



To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."



The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.



The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear."
 
Pete

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
Larry L. said:
"Flash unavailable"
"We're having trouble playing this video"

'Some kind of tech diff in effect when clicking on this link from across the pond?

(I assume the link connects to one of those 'performance engine sound' simulators?)
Click to expand...
Larry it's linked through Facebook so I think if you don't have a FB page that is why the difficulty.
 
L

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
Pete said:
Larry it's linked through Facebook so I think if you don't have a FB page that is why the difficulty.
Click to expand...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...that 'splains' it then.

I don't 'do' "facebook", "twitter", "flickr", "instagram", "linkedIn", "Myspace", or whatever the heck else is out there!
 
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