Jokes anyone? -

Out of the mouths of babes

Kids’ love notes to their mums

The Mother’s Day card made for me by my five-year-old son said: ‘I love my mummy because she has lots of make-up and I can wear it.’” Lisa

“Last year my daughter announced: ‘I made you a Mother’s Day cake because I love you - but then I ate it.’” Sarah

“Mum, you have thorns on your legs.” Sonja

“My daughter’s description of me didn’t make it onto the school wall of fame. I can see why. It read: ‘My mummy sings in the bathroom, watches EastEnders, cooks on Tuesdays and sells drugs.’ For the record, I am a medical sales rep.” Carrie

“When my daughter was at nursery, the children had to draw their mums. Her best mate did her mum doing yoga; another mother was walking the dog. I was a giant wine glass grasped by a tiny version of me, splayed on the sofa.” Carol

“My husband’s parents ran a pub when he was a kid. He wrote in his news book: ‘My mum drops me off at school and goes straight to the pub. She stays there till it’s time to pick me up at home time!’” Rachel

“My son did a picture of me looking like a giant centipede with a smiley face. When I asked why so many legs he told me gravely, ‘That’s the hairs on your bottom.’” Tammy

“One of my favourite notes from my daughter said: ‘I love you, Mum, but you do shout a lot.’ There was a picture of her holding her ears.” Mary

“One of my all time favourites was my son saying: ‘I wish your boobies were on your back so I could hug you closer.’” Jai

“In a Mother’s Day assembly, the children took turns reading out why they loved their mums to much oohing and aahing. After mothers had been praised for baking cakes, taking their kids swimming, smelling nice... my daughter read out: ‘I love my mum because she has different coloured hair - it’s black on the top and yellow at the bottom - and she always wears a red cardigan.’ And yes, as all eyes swivelled to me I was wearing the red cardigan and I did need my highlights doing. “ Jo

“My son did a drawing for me at nursery for Mother’s Day. His carer had carefully written in his description: ‘Mummy on a skateboard with a monster inside her head.’” Jenny

“I love my mum becas she has wobly arms and gives me hugs.” Paula

“My mum is good at dancing but bad at cooking. Yuk. Yuk.” Marianne

“My daughter had to complete this sentence in her school Mother’s Day card: “My mum... sits at home and waits for Daddy.” I was working full-time!” Amanda
 
Absolutely brilliant Nick, the little tykes! :thumbsup:

I like the 2nd one best as our daughter is Sarah and I had to check with her mother it wasn't one of hers.

Not mothers day related, her best one came many years ago when we moved North from the West Country. At 6 she started karate lessons with her brother who had been going them for a while. After a few months, and progressing quite well, although I didn't want to frighten her I also wanted her to be prepared. So I asked her "Sarah what would you do if someone attacked you"

In my mind I was thinking Gedan Barai (Downward block), or a Mawashi Geri (Roundhouse kick) maybe a Ushiro Geri (back kick)

She looked at me with a stern look on her face and said "I'd kick him in the nuggets". Not what I was expecting but no doubt effective. Also of course I now knew my, up to that point West Country little girl was now definitely a Northern girl!!!
 
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images



A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston."


He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she responded.
"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really?" he said.

"And what kind of myths are there?"


"Well, she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."

"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best."

"I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."


"Tonto," the man said,
"Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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May be lost on our non British friends
 

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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached him for conversation.

"Excuse me sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you"

"Negative ma'am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and declarations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

'"Yes ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said,”You should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

'The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said,”You know, I hope that you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time that you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out. I mean no sex since 1955."

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,”Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."


The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,


"I hope not, it's only 2130 now.
 

Pat

Supporter
Richard is lying in his hospital bed, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A lovely young student nurse appears and starts giving him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK???"
 

Doug S.

The protoplasm may be 72, but the spirit is 32!
Lifetime Supporter
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
 
THE AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a
kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
 

Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "
 

Keith

Moderator
I suspect this is quite old, but worth a re-run..


The Confession

Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan.

The Actions
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had received a subsequent message from his now deceased neighbour.

The second message
Hi Bob,
This is Alan again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darn Auto-correct changed 'wi-fi' to 'wife.' Technology, hey? Regards, Alan.
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Larry L.

Lifetime Supporter
If I had a dollar for every gender on the planet these days...I'd have 2 dollars and a whole lot of counterfeits.
 
A thief broke into my house last night..... he started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

:
1. Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
2. Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.
3. I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
5. I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.
6. I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
7. Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
8. Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.
9. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.
10. I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.
11. I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.
12. A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore
13. I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
14. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
15. My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
16. Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.
17. I used to have a problem where I couldn’t stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I’m over it now. Happy Days.
18. My wife's working in a bowling alley.
Ten pin?
No, permanent.
19. I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing 'I'm A Believer'. Then I saw her face.
20. How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
21. Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.
22. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
23. I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.
24. Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
25. When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down
26. Dad: I’ve just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome.
Mum: Is it common?
Dad: It's Not Unusual
27. Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.
28. I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey, but I turned myself around. And that's what it's all about.
29. I'm giving up spray deodorants at the end of the year. Roll on 2018.
30. If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
31. My wife asked me if I could please stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybe.
 
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