Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Interesting observations
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word she said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word she said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
No Joke, but needed sharing..
Harrier final flypast over Downing Street
It's good to see that the RAF still have a sense of humour.
Look at it from an angle or squint; squinting works better.
[The veracity of this 'photograph' is unconfirmed, but the spirit has been verified].
Harrier final flypast over Downing Street
It's good to see that the RAF still have a sense of humour.
Look at it from an angle or squint; squinting works better.
[The veracity of this 'photograph' is unconfirmed, but the spirit has been verified].
Attachments
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday for a look at the new
Silverado pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I
wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct ...
The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger
seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats
directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to
your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a
Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow
smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership........asshole had no sense of
humor.
Garry
Silverado pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I
wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct ...
The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger
seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats
directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to
your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a
Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow
smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership........asshole had no sense of
humor.
Garry
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley
when he sees a girl about to Jump off a bridge
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
<o
></o>
<o></o>
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
<o></o>
<o></o>
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he
<o></o>
didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked,
<o></o>
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
<o></o>
<o></o>
So, she does.
<o></o>
<o></o>
After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was
<o></o>
the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent
<o></o>
you are wasting! You could be famous! Why are you
<o></o>
committing suicide?"
<o></o>
<o></o>
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."
Garry
when he sees a girl about to Jump off a bridge
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
<o
></o><o
></o>"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
<o
></o><o
></o>While he did not want to appear insensitive, he
<o
></o>didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked,
<o
></o>"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
<o
></o><o
></o>So, she does.
<o
></o><o
></o>After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was
<o
></o>the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent
<o
></o>you are wasting! You could be famous! Why are you
<o
></o>committing suicide?"
<o
></o><o
></o>"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."
Garry
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
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CATHOLIC HORSES One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. <o></o>
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. <o></o>
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. <o></o>
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. <o></o>
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. <o></o>
Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. <o></o>
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. <o></o>
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. <o></o>
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. <o></o>
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'. <o></o>
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'My Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and Last Rites.' <o></o>
<o></o>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
CATHOLIC HORSES One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
></o>Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. <o
></o>Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. <o
></o>Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. <o
></o>Mitch bet big on it, and it won. <o
></o>Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. <o
></o>By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. <o
></o>True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. <o
></o>Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. <o
></o>Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'. <o
></o>The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'My Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and Last Rites.' <o
></o><o
></o></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
__.
Garry
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
__.
Garry
Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar
stool.
One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the
hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every
year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.
'Ah, England !' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history,
the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.
'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the
English - they're so arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'*
Garry
stool.
One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the
hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every
year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.
'Ah, England !' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history,
the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.
'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the
English - they're so arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'*
Garry
Not PC!
TWO COFFEES
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o></o>
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack Obama meets a man with a beard.
<o></o>
<o></o>
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks. 'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
<o></o>
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.
<o></o>
He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed? 'Why no he answers, I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.' Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?
<o></o>
'No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up.' Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.
<o></o>
Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
<o></o>
'No, my son.... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but, you look exhausted.
<o></o>
Would you like a cup of coffee.?' ' Yes! Please!'
<o></o>
As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey Mohammed-- two coffees!'''
<o></o>
Keep your trust in God ....your government has let you down.
<o></o>
Garry
TWO COFFEES
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o
></o>Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack Obama meets a man with a beard.
<o
></o><o
></o>'Are you Mohammed?' he asks. 'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
<o
></o>Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.
<o
></o>He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed? 'Why no he answers, I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.' Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?
<o
></o>'No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up.' Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.
<o
></o>Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
<o
></o>'No, my son.... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but, you look exhausted.
<o
></o>Would you like a cup of coffee.?' ' Yes! Please!'
<o
></o>As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey Mohammed-- two coffees!'''
<o
></o>Keep your trust in God ....your government has let you down.
<o
></o>Garry
After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: 'You appear to be in good health.. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
Garry
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
Garry
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
> I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
> two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing
> 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-seven.)
> A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
> resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
> He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
> 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
> Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
> ribs?'
> I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
> all red meat is very unhealthy!'
> 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
> golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
> 'No, I don't,' I said.
> He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive a GT40, or have a
> lots of sex?'
> 'No,' I said...
> He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you,
I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was
a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning
when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen
donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The Politician was very happy and left the
shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you,
I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was
a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning
when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen
donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The Politician was very happy and left the
shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read,
"Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck,
Along with his brother, Bubba,
Pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story,
And asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said,
"Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,
"I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.
It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
Peter Delaney
GT40s Supporter
----- A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Giorgio was relaxing
at
> his favorite bar in Rome
>
> when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things
> progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and,
> after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her
> senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you
> finish?"
> She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
>
>
> Surprised, Giorgio reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time
she
> thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally
> ends and, again, Giorgio smiles and asks, "You finish?"
>
> Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him
and
> softly says, "No."
>
> Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Giorgio
> reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely
> manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, and ripping the bed
> sheets. Exhausted, Giorgio falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to
> turn his head, he looks into her eyes and asks again, "You finish?"
>
> Barely able to speak, the blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
>
at
> his favorite bar in Rome
>
> when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things
> progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and,
> after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her
> senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you
> finish?"
> She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
>
>
> Surprised, Giorgio reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time
she
> thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally
> ends and, again, Giorgio smiles and asks, "You finish?"
>
> Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him
and
> softly says, "No."
>
> Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Giorgio
> reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely
> manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, and ripping the bed
> sheets. Exhausted, Giorgio falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to
> turn his head, he looks into her eyes and asks again, "You finish?"
>
> Barely able to speak, the blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
>
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
A bloke is driving across the desert and notices a head sticking out the sand.
He drives over and finds a blond woman buried up to her neck in the sand she says "Please help and dig me out"
she continues "hold on I'm completely naked in here"
He smiles and asks "What's in it for me?"
She thinks a while and replies "Sand"
He drives over and finds a blond woman buried up to her neck in the sand she says "Please help and dig me out"
she continues "hold on I'm completely naked in here"
He smiles and asks "What's in it for me?"
She thinks a while and replies "Sand"
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he
asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he
asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
flatchat(Chris)
Supporter
Tch! tch!, did you miss post # 2186 Pete ? :laugh:
blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man’s trouser leg.
The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.
A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, “You shouldn’t do that. He’ll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!”.
The blind man retorted, “I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the arse
---000---
I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03.
"Bollocks!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.
"Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."
"Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and left.
---000---
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. When he arrives, and gets out of his van he has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the puzzled homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.
A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, “You shouldn’t do that. He’ll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!”.
The blind man retorted, “I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the arse
---000---
I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03.
"Bollocks!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.
"Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."
"Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and left.
---000---
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. When he arrives, and gets out of his van he has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the puzzled homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
