Jokes anyone? -

[Anthony]

May not be true, but it made me smile.


> AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
> Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
> accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
> equivalent of the Injury Compensation board. This is a true story.
>
> Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
> Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of
> my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
> details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the
> accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
> When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which,
> when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather
> than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
> using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the
> sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the
> barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the
> rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will
> note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my
> surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of
> mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a
> rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor,
> I met I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally
> impressive speed. . This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and
> the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
> Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
> Fingers of my right hand were two
> knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my
> presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of
> beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the
> barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now
> devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately
> 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
> descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third
> floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured
> ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
> Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
> seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of
> bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to
> report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to
> move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope
> and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto
> me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

 

[Graham]

May not be true, but it made me smile.


> AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
> Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
> accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
> equivalent of the Injury Compensation board. This is a true story.
>
> Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
> Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of
> my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
> details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the
> accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
> When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which,
> when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather
> than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
> using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the
> sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the
> barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the
> rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will
> note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my
> surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of
> mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a
> rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor,
> I met I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally
> impressive speed. . This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and
> the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
> Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
> Fingers of my right hand were two
> knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my
> presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of
> beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the
> barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now
> devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately
> 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
> descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third
> floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured
> ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
> Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
> seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of
> bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to
> report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to
> move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope
> and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto
> me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

Is it true or not??? I don't care, it's bloody funny :laugh::laugh:

 

[domtoni]

IT’S GETTING THERE………………….


Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago park when one of the

boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.



Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the

dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.



A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to

interview the boy.



"Young Cub Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal" he starts writing in

his notebook.



"But I'm not a Cub Fan", the little boy replies.

"Sorry but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were", says the reporter and starts writing again.



"Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he writes in his

notebook.

"But I'm not a Sox Fan either, " the little boy replies.



"Sorry but since we're in Chicago, ' I just assumed you were," says

the reporter and starts writing again.



"Bears Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he writes in his

notebook.

"I'm not a Bears Fan either," says the boy. "Oh... I assumed

everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs, Sox or Bears.



What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Packers fan," the boy replies.



The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes...

"Little Bastard from Wisconsin Kills Beloved Family Pet"

 

[Keith]

May not be true, but it made me smile.

I don't know whether it actually happened either, but they proved without doubt that it COULD have happened exactly in the manner described on Mythbusters.

I know, I need to get out more...

 

[Keith]

This also may not be true, but it's a good story and COULD well be true....

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee sir?"

 

[David Morton]

Whilst we are on with jokes about Berlusconi and the Vatican this has a mildly funny punch line:

<TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%; COLOR: #000000" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%">This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Qantas" was the reply "we got a great rate!"

" Qantas?" exclaimed the hairdresser....


"that's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich" laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful" explained the woman "not only were we on time in one of Qantas 's brand new planes, but it was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me

Sure enough five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"


He said: "Who the Fuck did your hair?It’s horrible!"


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[Paul Anderson]

By Far The Best Engine In The World Is A Fanny
It Pulls Anything, Starts With One Finger,
Self Lubricates,
Takes any Size Of Piston,Comes In A Variety Of Body Styles,
Then Every 4 Week Does It's Own Oil Change,
It's Just A Pity That The Management System Is So Fucking TEMPREMENTAL!!!

 

[Dave Bilyk]

Song version of Anthony's bricklayers song, a search for 'the sick note' or 'the bricklayers song' will get plenty. Try this one from a Dubliner's record, it's so funny in song, just close your eyes and listen
YouTube - The Dubliners - The Sick Note

Dave

 

[Frank3]

Six Truths in Life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.





2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.







3. And discover #1 is a lie.






4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.












5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.








6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .










I sincerely apologize about this
but I'm an idiot and I needed company.

Probably works better in an e-mial , but still funny

 

[Jack]

Well Frank, guess I can join the idiot crowd too!

 

[Keith]

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."





Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

 

[Keith]

This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.


There is a moral to this story.....


In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,




'Gosh...if I go down three inches

I will feel the mist

From the water and I will be refreshed.'


There was a fish in the water thinking,



'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking,




'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches

That fish will jump for the fly...

And I will grab the fish!!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank

Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...

And that fish leaps for it...

That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is

Enough activity on one river bank,

But I can tell you there's more....



A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,



'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...

And that fish jumps for that fly..

And that bear grabs for that fish...

The dumb hunter will shoot the bear

And drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,

(as was fashionable to do on the banks of

This particular river around lunch time)



'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..

And that fish jumps for that fly

And that bear grabs for that fish

And that hunter shoots that bear..

And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .

Then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he

Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.


The fish swallows the fly...



The bear grabs the fish..



The hunter shoots the bear..



The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...


The cat jumps for the mouse..

The mouse ducks...



The cat falls into the water and drowns.



NOW, The Moral Of The Story...

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,



Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

 

[JimmyMac]

Vern was teeing off from the men's tee.
On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.
Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner : "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Vern: "Yes, sir, that's correct."
Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass."
Vern: "Was it a Titleist 3?"
Coroner: "Yes, it was."
Vern: "That was my mulligan."

 

[Jack]

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten
roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and
any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. <?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O></O>
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so
Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now
he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.<O></O>
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine
specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's
bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other
roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the
roosters coming, would run for cover. <O></O>
But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to
the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane (nee Pietersburg) Country
Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges. The
result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well. <O></O>
Clearly Jacob was a Pulletician in the making: Who else but a
Pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Do you perhaps know of a Pulletician called Jacob?

 

[Keith]

Ode to Old Age.....

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the bloody thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

:uneasy:

 

[Pat]

Ms Johnson decided to have a fun science experiment in her third grade class. They were to identify flavors by their color. She distributed candy Lifesavers and the children began to call out what they identified.

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Spit them out! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

 

[Bill Musarra]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but..... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

 

[Mike]

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing as well as they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, You are gripping the club way too hard!"


"Well, what should I do" Asks the man.


"Hold the club gently," the pro replies, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."


The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway. The next day the wife goes for her lesson.
After the pro watches her swing, he says, "No, no, no, You're gripping the club way too hard."


"What can I do" asks the wife.


"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."


The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway, about 35 feet.


"That was great," the pro says, "Nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Dear Noah,<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

<o></o>
Dear Twilight fans,<o></o>
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.<o></o>
Enjoy fantasizing about that.<o></o>
Sincerely, Logic<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Icebergs,<o></o>
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.<o></o>
Sincerely, The Titanic<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear J.K. Rowling,<o></o>
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?<o></o>

Sincerely, Anonymous<o></o>​

<o></o>
Dear <?xml:namespace prefix = ns0 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

<o></o>
Dear Boyfriend,<o></o>
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.<o></o>
Sincerely, Spiders
<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Voldemort,<o></o>
So they screwed up your nose too?<o></o>
Sincerely, Michael Jackson<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Yahoo,<o></o>
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...<o></o>

Sincerely, Google<o></o>​

<o></o>
Dear girls who have been dumped,<o></o>
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.<o></o>
Sincerely, BP<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear 2010,<o></o>
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!<o></o>

Sincerely, 1985<o></o>​

<o></o>
Dear Justin Bieber,<o></o>
Ariel would really love her voice back.<o></o>
Sincerely, King Triton<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Rose,<o></o>
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.<o></o>
Sincerely, Jack<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Windshield Wipers,<o></o>
Can't touch this.<o></o>
Sincerely, That Little Triangle<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Taylor Swift,<o></o>
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.<o></o>

Sincerely, Shakespeare<o></o>​

<o></o>
Dear Soccer Fans,<o></o>
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z<o></o>
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!<o></o>

Sincerely, Vuvuzelas<o></o>​

<o></o>
Dear Saturn,<o></o>
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.<o></o>
Sincerely, God<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Rubik's Cube,<o></o>
Done!<o></o>
Sincerely, Colorblind<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Santa,<o></o>
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.<o></o>
Sincerely, Tiger Woods<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,<o></o>
I. Can't. Breathe.<o></o>
Sincerely, Your Balls<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,<o></o>
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?<o></o>

Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio<o></o>​

<o></o>
Dear Sleeping Beauty,<o></o>
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.<o></o>
All you had to do was wake up.<o></o>
Sincerely, Mulan<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Romeo,<o></o>
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...<o></o>
Sincerely, Juliet<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Fox News,<o></o>
So far, no news about foxes.<o></o>
Sincerely, Unimpressed<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Sex Educators,<o></o>
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.<o></o>
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Toaster,<o></o>
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?<o></o>
Sincerely, Toast<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Edward,<o></o>
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.<o></o>
Sincerely, a stake<o></o>
<o></o>
<o></o>
Dear Prince Charming,<o></o>
You've got some explaining to do!<o></o>
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty<o></o>
<o></o>

 

[Simon]

a group of bikers were out riding and came across a young lady getting ready to jump off a bridge to her death. they stopped and their leader said "hey it can't be that bad"...and being one to never pass up a chance...said "give me a kiss before you jump".
she said o.k. and laid a long, lingering, and delicious kiss on the dude.
the biker was taken aback and said "that was wonderful.the best kiss i ever had. now why are jumping?"
she replied "because i catch hell from my dad for dressing up like a girl".