Jokes anyone? -

[Mike]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said "Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie!"

 

[Fran Hall RCR]

Iphone auto corrects....I was crying

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Tch! tch!, did you miss post # 2186 Pete ? :laugh:

Yep, :embarassed:

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic drag queen.......



All he wanted in life was to eat, drink and be Mary.

 

[Keith]

For all Brits and those ex-pats with long memories


Q: What's the Difference between an Essex girl and a Muslim girl?


















A: The Essex Girl gets stoned BEFORE she has sex...

 

[Jack]

Keith, you bad boy!

 

[David Morton]

THE correct insurance companies for sex ........

SEX with your wife –Legal & General

SEX with your future wife-Mutual Trust

SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability

SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union

SEX on the telephone- Direct line

SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy

SEX in a hurry- Insure & go

SEX with your boyfriend –Standard Life

SEX with a transvestite- Confused. com

SEX with some one different - Go compare. com

SEX with an animal - Compare the meerkat. com

SEX with a fat bird - More Than

SEX on the back seat – Sheila's wheels

SEX with an o.a.p- Saga

SEX with a posh bird – Privilege .com

SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union

 

[David Morton]

Irish golfer



A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his

drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,

he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,

a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball

beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from

the cart and poured it over the little guy,

reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer

answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,

I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him

the three things I would want... a great golf game,

all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.

On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into

the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,

' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,

how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.

I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'

He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're

all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer

golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money

situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.

'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket

and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,

and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,

'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.

How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,

'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.

'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for

a Catholic priest in a small parish.'



</PRE>

 

[David Morton]

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor,

'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

 

[David Morton]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, Walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some Cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely Not! You CANNOT have any Cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out, no, not a gun but a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.......

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[Garry]

I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo
sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer. A homeless man sat
there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days." I told him, "I wish I
had your will power."

Top tip: If you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in
the next tent tells you that because it's so hot, she will be sleeping
with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck.....I appear in court next Monday.

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'Sorry
about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, Fatty, you're bound to lose it
eventually.'

I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair
of jeans that said, 'Guess.'
I said, "I don't know........maybe 350 pounds."

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8
inches tonight, I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like
that!"

I have a new pickup line that works every time! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner
and I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes, "Excuse me,
Love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like
chloroform to you?"

Years ago it was suggested 'That an apple a day kept the doctor away.'
But since many doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works best.

Garry

 

[Garry]

GOOD A Bend, Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pendleton, Oregon. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

Garry

 

[David Morton]

Sitting in a bar in the English Midlands, a Scotsman says, "As good as
this pub is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a
wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the
locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said an Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."


"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said an Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub,
the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then
another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had
enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid,
all on the house!"


The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman
swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"




"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen
to me sister quite a few times." `

 

[Bill Musarra]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequentlydropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 

[Keith]

Well, since we're on the ethnic minority piste, I'll throw in a 'Mexican' too..

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies:
"Ma'am, you had twins.... A boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be Christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself: 'Oh please, no, not me brother, he's a freekin' clueless eejit!'

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor," Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise" says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved.

'Wow, that's a really beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother, she thought, I really like Denise'.

Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies:

"Denephew".

 

[David Morton]

<TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" width="100%"></TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed," he replied.

"You're in America now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Curtis."

Mohammed returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammed?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in America and now my name is Curtis."

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.

Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Curtis?" she asked.
"Well ma'am, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[Paul Anderson]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after,
a story was published in the New York Times: "American
archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians".

One week later, the Council in Essex , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Colchester, Jack Lucknow, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f *
all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had
already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, doesn't it?

 

[David Morton]

A Guy Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,

“Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and whiskey and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

 

[Rick Muck- Mark IV]

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you darned proud to be an American!!!

 

[David Morton]

My daughter just walked into the living
room and said, "Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes
out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to the charity
shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the
house".


Well, she didn't exactlly put it like
that.


Actually she
said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."