Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads.
He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and suchlike."
The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Toadra-capokus! You're green!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package,which is still yellow.
He says to the fairy godmother:"Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"
To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do Johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods.
As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother.
He implores her:"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears.
None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me from a mile off."
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries.
They remain purple.
He says: "My wang is still purple!"
She says: "I don't do units; you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellowdick Toad!"

 

[Garry]

THE ITCH
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Ted the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Ted revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doc tor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Ted to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Ted readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Ted would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Ted to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Ted the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Ted worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Ted left satisfied and was hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Ted found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King,Ted couldn't have cared less and with a laugh told him to 'get lost'.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Ted.

The moral of the story.............

Pay your bills

Garry

 

[Ian Anderson]

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tyred

A will is a dead giveaway

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

A backward poet writes inverse

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key

A calendar's days are numbered

A boiled egg is hard to beat

He had a photographic memory which never developed

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end

When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall

If you jump off a bridge in Paris , you are in Seine

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye

Santa's little helpers are subordinate clauses

Acupuncture is a jab well done

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference, who acquired his size from too much pi

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was prosecuted for littering

Two silk-worms had a race – the result was a tie

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation

I wondered why the football kept getting bigger. Then it hit me

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehabilitation centre said 'Keep off the Grass'

Old soldiers who survived mustard gas and pepper spray are now seasoned veterans

Don't join dangerous cults: practise safe sects

 

[Jason]

Useful warning symbols: http://homeland.gov.safenow.org - what to do in an emergency

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

<TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%; mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #f0f0f0; BORDER-LEFT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; BORDER-TOP: #f0f0f0; BORDER-RIGHT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%">

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...​

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:​

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

​

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ​

ABBOTT: Money.​

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?​

ABBOTT: Money.​

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?​

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.​

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ​

ABBOTT: Money.​

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?​

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.​

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?​

ABBOTT: One copy.​

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ​

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.​

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?​

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!​

(A few days later)​

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? ​

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?​

ABBOTT: Click on "START"............. <o></o>​

​

</I>​

</B></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>​

 

[Gary]

Definition of Irony:

Restaurant closures as seen in the Daily Breeze in Southern CA on February 24,2011

Here is a list of restaurants and food vendors closed by the county Department of Health Services for the week ending Feb. 20:

Brite Spot Restaurant

615 S. Pacific Ave., San Pedro, CA

Close date: 2/14

Reason for closure: Sewage

 

[Garry]

Turpentine vs. Holy Water
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine... He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had..
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson. '

Garry

 

[Bill Musarra]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the fucking Post Office."

 

[Graham]

Attorney's at work. Don't know of they are true, but they are funny anyway!

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'<o></o>
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?<o></o>
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Graham]

Be careful of this scam!!!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever Eastern European scam. Simply dropping into Sainsbury’s for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naïve enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends. Here’s how the scam works.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
Two extremely good looking voluptuous 20-21 year old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen. Their large firm young breasts are almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts and the water is slopping everywhere. It’s impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they’ll say no and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case Tesco at Wolverhampton. You agree and they both get into the back seat. On the way they start undressing and both get completely naked. Then when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet.<o></o>
I had my wallet stolen on January 4<SUP>th</SUP>,9<SUP>th</SUP>.10<SUP>th</SUP>, twice on the 15<SUP>th</SUP>, 17<SUP>th</SUP>, 20<SUP>th</SUP>,24<SUP>th</SUP> and twice yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend.<o></o>
PS. Aldi have wallets on sale at £1.99 each, but Lidl are £1.75 and look better<o></o>
<o></o>
Regards<o></o>
Ian<o></o>

You have been warned </SPAN>

 

[Ian Anderson]

Australian Humour

In South Sydney , a fire destroyed a multi story block of flats.
A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in the country,
lived on the second floor, and they too all perished in the fire.

Six Maori ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too died.

Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. They survived.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious.
They flew into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple survived.

The fire chief quietly replied,



"They were both at work." [/SIZE]

 

[David Morton]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr.. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse.'

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Australian Humour

In South Sydney , a fire destroyed a multi story block of flats.
A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in the country,
lived on the second floor, and they too all perished in the fire.

Six Maori ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too died.

Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. They survived.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious.
They flew into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple survived.

The fire chief quietly replied,



"They were both at work." [/SIZE]

Closer to the truth than you think.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

<CENTER><TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=6 width=415><TBODY><TR><TD width="2%" align=middle></TD><TD width="5%" align=middle>


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></CENTER>

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes
Why is air a lot like sex?
It's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud
What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background?
Deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers
Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean
What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
Klondike
What do you call a pimp who doesn't like blow jobs?
A headless whoresman What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts

 

[David Morton]

<TT> BRITISH NEWSPAPERS </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> (The Daily Telegraph) </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>was missing her Italian boyfriend. </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> (The Manchester Evening News) </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> (The Guardian) </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'. </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> (The Times) </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> ( Aberdeen Evening Express) </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>recalled - </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>'Heil Hitler.'' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> ( Bournemouth Evening Echo) </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> A list of actual announcements that London Tube train </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>drivers have made to their passengers... </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>like that'. </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>sauna, ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided.' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>home....' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>instructions.' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>yourself or your bags into the doors.' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>stuck in the door.' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>don't you understand?' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>(Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>sideways!' </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> 14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT>smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the </TT>

<TT></TT></PRE>
<TT> carriage.</TT></PRE>

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?'
Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen ask the waitress 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

Paul McCartney poem:-
We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Well, I won't take it up the arse'!

Woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for
your arse'

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients. It's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the shit out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading articles again.

 

[Gary]

Charlie Sheen: 'I'm tired of pretending I'm not special'

After his cocaine fueled hotel room episode with a porn star hooker.... he ups the ante with sh*t like "I'm tired of pretending I'm not b*tching a total freaking rock star from Mars. And people can't figure me out. They can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain." I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available, because if you try it once, you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body." - Sheen

This is some funny/sad stuff.
From now on whenever I need to make an important decision in life I can just ask myself "What would Charlie Sheen do"

 

[Grady]

<table class="yiv1675879361MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr></tr><tr><td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"> A VERY NICE SHORT STORY ABOUT AN ARMY ATTACK HELICOPTER PILOT IN HELO HEAVEN



It was late at night as the Pope, who had departed this world, was approaching the gates of heaven. There was no one around, but there was a small shack just prior to the gates with a light on. The Pope stepped into the shack and startled a young man half asleep sitting at a small gray desk.




"Excuse me" said the Pope, "but I'm supposed to check in here with St. Peter, but there is no one at the gate."


"Yea, Yea" said the young man, "Where are your orders?"
"I don't have any orders, " said the Pope.


Well it's too late to check in tonight anyhow," said the young man, "just go around to the back of the building, find a rack and dump your gear in a locker. St. Peter will be here in the morning and you can check in then."



The Pope grabs his stuff and walks around the building only to find a WWII style open bay barracks. The racks are stacked three high and the only open one is all the way at the end of the building, and its on top. He drags his stuff to the end of the building, but there is no locker for him. He takes a deep breath, thinks about it for a minute and decides this is just one final test. He crawls up into the rack and falls asleep. Suddenly he is awakened by a loud commotion outside the barracks. As he walks outside he sees a huge crowd of angels cheering and clapping as a gold convertible limousine approaches. As it draws nearer, the Pope sees a guy in a flight suit and flight jacket with Silver wings in the back seat with a beautiful angel on each arm, a beer in his hand and he is smoking one of the biggest cigars the Pope has ever seen. The Pope turns to the young man who checked him in and asks, "Who is that guy?"




"He's a Army Attack Helicopter pilot," the young man replies.


The Pope says, "I don't get it. I worked hard all of my life to do God's work on earth. As a young man I studied hard at the seminary, as a priest I labored hard to tend my flock and provide guidance when they strayed. I struggled as a bishop to serve the church and as Pope, I was able to attract more followers of the faith. Yet, when I reach heaven, St. Peter isn't here to greet me. I have to carry my own bags. I'm stuck in the top rack of an open bay barracks and I don't even have a locker for my bags!"



The young man looks at the Pope and says. "Look, we get a Pope every 20-30 years, but he is the only Army Attack Helicopter pilot who has ever made it!"

--

</td></tr></tbody></table>

 

[Mike]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince
others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the
weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them
that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your
brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to
the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your a--hole before prison..................

 

[Bill Musarra]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through
a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual
striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently
slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by
the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic
striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing
a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to
reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he
tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto
a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are
you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"Me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy
to a tractor'."

[Don't make me come splain this to you! ---Read the last line
again, slowly--out loud.]