Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
Hi.I called in to see a pall of mine over the weekend and he told me about a chat he had with his wife.The other day she was drying herself after having a shower and said she wished she had larger breasts.Jim said he knew of an exercise that would make her breasts larger.If she was to rub a piece of toilet tissue between them each day they would get bigger.She pulled a piece off the roll and started to rub her cleavage and then asked if it would really make her breasts grow .His reply was that it had certainly worked on her backside.
Most of his swelling has gone down now and he might be out of hospital for the new year.
Merry Christmas David
Most of his swelling has gone down now and he might be out of hospital for the new year.
Merry Christmas David
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Someone stole all my credit cards. But I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife does.
The thief spends less than my wife does.
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more
On the Eve of Destruction, may I offer this snippet of silliness?
(Caution. Not exactly politically correct)
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal
Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.
-----------------------
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40
------------------------
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................ Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.:/
-------------------
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai
brothel!!!
-------------------------
2 indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
both in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!
----------------------
The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like another Friday night
in Brixton. You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!
----------------------------
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze,
copper, lead and anything else they could get their bloody hands on.
-------------------------------
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
middle aged couple from Weymouth .
(Caution. Not exactly politically correct)
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal
Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.
-----------------------
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40
------------------------
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................ Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.:/
-------------------
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai
brothel!!!
-------------------------
2 indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
both in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!
----------------------
The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like another Friday night
in Brixton. You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!
----------------------------
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze,
copper, lead and anything else they could get their bloody hands on.
-------------------------------
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
middle aged couple from Weymouth .
Last one this year. Last one?
A son said to his father: Father, "I am Gay."
Father looked at his other son and said "What about you?"
The other son replied: "I'm afraid I am too Father"
The Father was horrified and shouted "Bloody hell, doesn't anyone in this bloody family like pussy?"
The Daughter said "I do."
A son said to his father: Father, "I am Gay."
Father looked at his other son and said "What about you?"
The other son replied: "I'm afraid I am too Father"
The Father was horrified and shouted "Bloody hell, doesn't anyone in this bloody family like pussy?"
The Daughter said "I do."
In honor of Keith's last of the year, I submit;
Q. What has six legs, five arms and loves pussy?
A. K.D. Lang, Ellen Degeneres, and the drummer for Def Leopard.
Q. What has six legs, five arms and loves pussy?
A. K.D. Lang, Ellen Degeneres, and the drummer for Def Leopard.
Dimi Terleckyj
Lifetime Supporter
Pat
I can't see the problem, you've got controls for hot and cold.
What more do you need?????????????
Dimi
I can't see the problem, you've got controls for hot and cold.
What more do you need?????????????
Dimi
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,
"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Special High Intensive Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR of INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR of INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs
-----------------------
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40
------------------------
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon
-------------------
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!
-------------------------
2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma…
the other's got a dodgy tikka!
----------------------
The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!
----------------------------
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead
and anything else they could get their bloody hands on
-------------------------------
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs
-----------------------
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40
------------------------
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon
-------------------
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!
-------------------------
2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma…
the other's got a dodgy tikka!
----------------------
The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!
----------------------------
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead
and anything else they could get their bloody hands on
-------------------------------
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth
David Morton
Lifetime Supporter
Can anyone in Australia tell me if this is legit?
If so I'll get a staff travel ticket to Sydney this afternoon.
Subject: ONLY FOUR TICKETS REMAINING-
------------------------------
By all accounts he only requires a small run up to the ramp , and no
landing ramp , what a man !****
****
****
****
*ONLY FOUR TICKETS REMAINING
**If anybody wants them, I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel
(son of Evil Knievel) show.
Robbie will be flying into Sydney to stage an event at the Lakemba Mosque
next weekend.
He is going to try to jump over 10,000 Muslims using a Caterpillar D-9.*****
****
If so I'll get a staff travel ticket to Sydney this afternoon.
Subject: ONLY FOUR TICKETS REMAINING-
------------------------------
By all accounts he only requires a small run up to the ramp , and no
landing ramp , what a man !****
****
****
****
*ONLY FOUR TICKETS REMAINING
**If anybody wants them, I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel
(son of Evil Knievel) show.
Robbie will be flying into Sydney to stage an event at the Lakemba Mosque
next weekend.
He is going to try to jump over 10,000 Muslims using a Caterpillar D-9.*****
****
Pat
Supporter
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the DUI test they're giving now!"
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the DUI test they're giving now!"
Pat
Supporter
Thoughts to guide your life
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.
The early bird may get the worm, but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.
The early bird may get the worm, but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
INTERESTING RESEARCH – WHERE YOUR TAX DOLLARS GO!!!
A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Ceduna in South Australia, and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The State hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."
Now you know!
A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Ceduna in South Australia, and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The State hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."
Now you know!
Pete McCluskey.
Lifetime Supporter
Larry the Lobster and sandy sand crab were some fantastic musicians on the disco circuit. They jammed for many years till one night, after a gig and a few beers, they stepped out of a club and were run down and killed by a Mack truck. Larry the Lobster goes to heaven and sand crab goes to hell.
One day Larry says to St. Peter, "I sure miss my old buddy Sandy, I hear he has his own disco down there. Do you think I could go visit him and jam some, just one more time?"
St. Peter says, "I think you can have a one time, one-evening pass to Hell to jam with sand crab." Larry is elated and asks St. Peter for an instrument.
"All we have in Heaven are harps," he says. Larry the Lobster shrugs and says, "That will just have to do!" So Larry goes off to hell and has a fantastic time.
He and Sam jam all night, just like the old days. When he comes back and sees St. Peter, he thanks him profusely for the pass. But St. Peter just looks at Larry funny and asks him, "Aren't you forgetting something?"
Larry thinks for a second, then smacks his forehead and says ..................
...............................................................................................................................................................................................................
"I left my harp in Sand Crabs Disco.":cry:
One day Larry says to St. Peter, "I sure miss my old buddy Sandy, I hear he has his own disco down there. Do you think I could go visit him and jam some, just one more time?"
St. Peter says, "I think you can have a one time, one-evening pass to Hell to jam with sand crab." Larry is elated and asks St. Peter for an instrument.
"All we have in Heaven are harps," he says. Larry the Lobster shrugs and says, "That will just have to do!" So Larry goes off to hell and has a fantastic time.
He and Sam jam all night, just like the old days. When he comes back and sees St. Peter, he thanks him profusely for the pass. But St. Peter just looks at Larry funny and asks him, "Aren't you forgetting something?"
Larry thinks for a second, then smacks his forehead and says ..................
...............................................................................................................................................................................................................
"I left my harp in Sand Crabs Disco.":cry:
